What to do…
23 September 2019 at 9:33 pm #30627
So here I am, sat on the sofa I’m my pyjamas drinking a cold cup of tea basically feeling like rubbish! Last Wednesday I asked my husband whom I had be married to for 15 years to leave.
He is an alcoholic, suffering from mental health issues including anxiety who would use emotional blackmail to get what he wanted! For years he never went out we would stay in the same four walls of our flat for almost 5 years, while I was out working 2 jobs, taking the kids to school, shopping and paying all the bills and yes buying the Alcohol! If he ran out it was me that was told “you need to go out and buy more beer”! Anyway in August me and the kids went away on our first proper holiday to Cyprus with my family and I realised that I don’t want to do this anymore! They say an alcoholic will never give up and I think I finally realised that after the many attempts of me trying to help him cut down. But it was draining! then came the emotional blackmail….constant telling me I love you and that I will give up, telling me that if you ever leave me I would kill my self! God when I think about it now I feel so angry with myself for putting up with this for so long! It got to the point where I was either going to have a mental breakdown or I was going to have to do it! And well I did! It’s been 5 days since I asked my husband to leave….now I just feel down, very down! The only thing keeping me going is my children 2 boys aged 13 and 11, they both said the me “mum we know it’s for the best, we know you were not happy” and to be fair they have been amazing! My eldest son has got his head on his shoulders and acts older than he really is. My problem at the moment is that we have a joint tenancy with the local council and the ex (I can call him that now right) has every right to come back! I’m prettified! He does not have a key but what if I cannot do anything?? He keeps ringing and texting, I’ve asked him to stop! I’ve even unplugged the house phone and blocked him on my mobile! What am I going to do!
sorry for the rant! But I didn’t think I would feel as bad as this
M x23 September 2019 at 11:13 pm #30632
Stick to your guns. You did this for a reason. You’re doing it for your boys to allow them to grow up in a happier environment, afterall having an alcoholic around isn’t a great role model. There will be days along the way where you feel lost, lonely and you regret asking him to leave… but in those moments, remind yourself of the bad times. Remind yourself of the emotional blackmail and how good it feels to be free from that side of things.
You’ve got this 👍🏻24 September 2019 at 10:34 am #30637
I’m one of the forum moderators at Gingerbread. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a hard time. It’s great you’ve reached out to the forum and hopefully you’ll get some good advice from others who have been through similar experiences.
In the meantime, don’t forget that you can always call our single parent helpline, where our expert advisers can offer advice on a range of issues, including housing. The number is 0808 802 0925 and the opening hours are: Monday 10am-6pm, Tuesday, Thursday & Friday 10am-4pm, Wednesday 10am-1pm & 5pm-7pm. Please do be aware that the helpline can get busy so you may have to wait, but once you get through your adviser will be able to help you work out your options and make a plan going forward.
All the best,
Jessica24 September 2019 at 11:23 am #30640
It’s no wonder that you’re feeling not so great at the moment but you’re going through the tough part, in the coming weeks and months things will get better and you’ll be able to rebuild a happy life for yourself and your children.
It is definitely worth phoning the helpline, one of the organisations that they are likely to signpost you to is the National domestic violence helpline 0808 2000 247, it doesn’t matter if you arnt together any longer and remember that they deal with all forms of abuse not just physical, they will go through what your rights are regarding housing and what steps you can take to stop your ex’s harassment.
Hope this helps
Mark24 September 2019 at 6:32 pm #30706
sound like you definitely did this for the best, stick with things . you have the kids with you . keep going things will get better x30 September 2019 at 10:42 pm #30982
Can you talk to the Council and explain and get them to put the tenancy only in your name?2 October 2019 at 4:56 pm #31048
Well done to you for making a very difficult decision : ) Those first few months can be very difficult and whilst my situation was different, it was definitely my 2 children that got me through everything – and still are 4 years on! Every phase we go through in life is temporary – I used to encourage myself with that during the darkest days! If you feel able, try and find some fun things for you to do – even if they’re very basic ie having a walk/doing exercise etc. I’ve coped by taking one day at a time and not thinking too far into the future. Things do get better! : )2 October 2019 at 10:36 pm #31065
He keeps ringing and texting, I’ve asked him to stop! I’ve even unplugged the house phone and blocked him on my mobile! What am I going to do!
Let me get this right. The man you’ve been married to for 15 years has a mental health problem but he loves you very much and, presumably, loves the children as well?
And his life has changed suddenly, as a result of a unilateral decision you took, from having a family around him to losing his wife, his children, his home.
He must be distraught!
I don’t want to make light of the problems you’ve faced, but sometimes we need to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. His reactions are going to be influenced by the trauma of the sudden loss and compounded by whatever mental problems he has.3 October 2019 at 11:37 am #31075
It is important that when posting on the forum that the community guidelines are adhered to. These have been set to keep the community as supportive and encouraging as possible so that single parents can connect and share experiences. Here is a link to the community guidelines and I encourage posters to take a non judgemental approach to other users to facilitate connection and support.