What should I do

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  • #55003 Report

    Nicki44
    Participant

    I’ve posted a couple of times regarding my partner of 29 years leaving me and our 3 children at the beginning of the year for another woman.He used to see the children three days a week then they caught him lying so they told him they didn’t want to see him,so he went 10 weeks not seeing or speaking to them.He has done nothing but have a go at me and then said he couldn’t continue paying the bills.Im in the process of sorting out universal credit as I’ve been a stay at home mom for a few years.
    He was about to move into a place with his woman then it suddenly hit him what he had done and lost.He has had a big breakdown and desperately wants me back he’s been put on strong antidepressants.I have helped him sort things out with the children,so he has spent sometime with us all over the last few days.We have spoken a lot and got a lot out in the open,he can’t even remember half the stuff he has said or done and he is heart broken by what he has done to us and he desperately wants us to get back together,which I would love but I’m just scared that I can’t forgive,forget or trust him again.One minute I want to go for it then the next minute I know I can’t?

    #55006 Report

    Anon321
    Participant

    Your call, but if you do, go into it cautiously and with your eyes wide open. I recently thought my ex of 10 months had changed and wanted to make a go of things. He’d been sending me flowers, gifts, getting us takeaways and wine to have together once baby was in bed, asking us out for dinner etc. Then out of nowhere, bam, another horrible solicitors letter and we’re back to being hostile again. I feel very hurt and led on. Please be cautious x

    #55020 Report

    Fluffylittleclouds
    Participant

    I understood this is a stressful time. My husband left, telling me he needed to sort his head out. He has depression and has been on medication for years. Promised there was nobody else and we would work on our marriage and get back together. I eventually found out there was someone else all along. I forgave him and he promised it was finished with her and he moved back. For 4 weeks it was fine . Then I found he had been contacting her again and he left, this time telling me he wants a divorce.  The worst part is the confusion. Why did he move back? Was any of what he said true? Why spend 17 months stringing me along ? Had he Planned to have us both or was she meant to be a fling? Was I the back up if it didn’t work…..

    I expect you have lots of questions too. In hindsight I’d say don’t be too quick to forgive. You can make a marriage work after an affair but you need to work out why they did it. Is there something missing for them in your marriage because its likely they will do it again if there is. You deserve to know because if its something you cant change that might sway your decision. Secondly try to attach some conditions so you have more reassurance that they are really sorry and are coming back because they love you, not just because life is easier or the other woman had just dumped them. For example counselling and setting some boundaries before they come back. For example I don’t accept you going to x place without me or I need to be able to look at your phone etc. I feel so sorry that my daughter had 17 months of uncertainty and then realized her dad was a liar and a cheat. Its impacted her well-being a lot. My forgiveness was seen as weakness. For my daughter I had to have the courage to not accept being used anymore. Its easier if you don’t have kids but I’d say really look closely at the messages you are sending. Forgiveness is good but when you are being used, you need to show that’s not acceptable.

    #55142 Report

    Nicki44
    Participant

    Thank you for the reply’s.This is what scares me,what if he was to do it again?

    its the trust that I find hard to think I can ever get back,I can never forgive him or forget the things he had done and the stress he put me and the children under.

    he is adamant it will never happen again and he is disgusted by what he he says and did and says it was his way of trying to hide his depression and that he will stay on medication forever if he has to.

    its just so hard knowing what to do I want to take him back but just don’t know whether i can risk taking him back

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