What do you do when you can’t do it any more?
27 May 2019 at 4:37 pm #25518
I’m new to GB and have had some helpful advice so far from a brief conversation on here and an advisor but I’ve reached a point where I don’t know how to keep going. I don’t mean in a depressed or suicidal way, just that I’ve got absolutely nothing left to give.
My ex has my children (8 and probably aspergers) and 5 once a fortnight for two nights. Generally picks them up Friday after work at 7pm and drops them back Sunday at 3pm. If there’s a weekend they have a family commitment such as a wedding or an activity and it falls on his weekend then he just doesn’t have them as he won’t be flexible with dates.
My children have had an awful run of ill health; tonsillitis, chest infection and last night my son was sick and has been very nauseous all day refusing his antibiotics which he still has two days left to take.
I was due to go out with a group of my daughters friends and so I rang his dad this morning and literally pleaded with him to have our son because I’m not great at dealing with vomit and it allowed me the time to take my daughter out as planned though I was exhausted.
When i picked up my son his dad told me I should be grateful he had altered plans for me (for my son and daughter surely?).
This brings me to the crux of how I feel; I don’t know how to keep going, I manage to pick myself up after a weekend ‘off’ but then I reach a point of exhaustion that I can’t come back from. I don’t know how to finish my masters which was part of a career change, keep doing enough work to pay the bills (I work from home) or job hunt because I’m just too exhausted to do so and can’t see how I would pay childcare. I don’t have family to help and friends offer and I do accept but that is very occasional.
I’ve been offered advice from friends to just let stuff slide but there’s nothing I can let slide and life seems so unfair. Why is it so easy for the non resident parent to pick and choose what they do?
Sorry this was so long, I just desperately needed to let off steam.27 May 2019 at 7:12 pm #25519
I had to reply to this as I totally know how you feel…my ex husband just does whatever he pleases,pushes for contact then wants to bring my daughter home early…she comes back without her hair done,face unwashed just generally looking dishevelled! Absolutely hate it..and I spend 6 nights a week indoors while he’s now living rent free at a mates house. I keep thinking that surely karma bites eventually doesn’t it? But a lot of people tell me you can’t control what happens but you can control how you respond and I’m just trying to deal with things as well as possible. It’s a long road but life will improve-nothing stays the same forever. Just keep going, it will get better. You sound like you’re doing a great job xxx27 May 2019 at 9:05 pm #25524
Sending you both hugs💕
It is not easy to deal with a complex selfish ex, who does not put their children at the top of their priorities.
And it’s hard, and tiresome. But we have no choice but to be there. For our children.
Klw77 – do you have a formal agreement with ex?
G.27 May 2019 at 9:27 pm #25530
Thank you, you’re right, nothing lasts forever and that’s a good perspective.
My daughter in particular comes back incredibly disheveled, hair not brushed etc.
Changing your reaction is the right thing to do but I become so consumed by how overwhelmed I am and how little he wants to actually parent that I forget sometimes.
We don’t have a formal agreement, we went to see a mediator who to be fair was pretty awful but we didn’t reach a formal agreement and now he won’t go and see another one, not for childcare nor a financial consent order yet he wants me to continue with the divorce petition I started.27 May 2019 at 10:07 pm #25538
Firstly, I’m sorry that you’ve ended up with guys like this – just to reassure you, some of us are decent, and I hope it hasn’t put you off for life! As NSM says, things will change at some point for the better – and you’re doing great, your kids will remember who was the caring parent in the future when they get older.
Sounds like a control thing possibly, as well as shirking commitments. Can you get a formal legal agreement in place if you don’t have one already?
Keep going, it will get better – sometimes it doesn’t feel that way and we have a lot of really crap days, but the clouds will clear.
Sleep well, and hope that tomorrow is a better day for you 🤞🏻
SD27 May 2019 at 10:25 pm #25543
Thank you, I don’t for one minute think all dads are the same. I know quite a few dads who are no longer with the mother of their children but do their utmost to ensure their children are safe, happy, loved and cared for.
I’ve downloaded a parenting plan but it’s quite basic though that’s maybe not a bad thing. Is that what you mean by a formal agreement?
Tomorrow can only be brighter than today was, you’re right. It all just gets a bit too much at times, appreciate all the replies 😊27 May 2019 at 10:44 pm #25551
Not sure if that’s the one, was thinking of an agreement that’s maybe witnessed by a Solicitor so it’s legally binding. A GB Advisor might be able to guide best on this one.
Glad that all blokes aren’t tarred with same brush, although the way some of them treat their ex partners and kids, I’m surprised sometimes!
That’s why I love this place, no-one judges you, and everyone knows what you’re going through – just what we all need sometimes 😀27 May 2019 at 10:50 pm #25552
Absolutely. I find my happily (or not so happily) married or coupled friends don’t understand in the same way.
I’ve had a few signposts from a GB advisor so will continue to pursue those avenues and look for a formal agreement, thanks. It’s the little things like I was ill last week and my ex just refused to help or have the children. It’s a rare occurrence I ask for ad hoc help and I was horrified that his social engagement came first. A formal agreement might be just what I need to not feel so overwhelmed at times like that.