What can he do?

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  • #18722 Report

    So, I’ve been separated for 3 years, divorced a year and a half. I have wonderful kids who are my world, age 5 & 7 – I’ve changed careers to be best mum I can to them, esp as oldest has a serious health condition. We’re in a very rural part of Scotland.

    My ex is a very controlling, irrational character – but is on the whole a good dad. I’ve done all I can for them to maintain a good bond – my dad was my best friend so I’d never jeopardise my kids having that. Despite desperately wanting to leave this area when we separated.

    His job is his priority (always has been) and kids (and I when we were together) always come second. And then he had new girlfriends to fit into his time too. I put up with him picking and choosing when he had kids for long enough, but he used it to control what I was doing – even made it impossible for me to scatter my dad’s ashes without kids there and I used the upset to form anger, to approach a solicitor. So since September 2017 we’ve had an every second weekend arrangement. It’s worked, and although there are periods he’s either trying to be all friendly (when his current woman blows cold) and times he makes me out to be a psychopath (when he’s got her on board to play the hard done by card), it’s generally settling for kids and I to have a routine.

    Over time I’ve been able to see it all for what it is… And I am no longer the fool. But just recently he’s made communication impossible – even at our sons iep meeting at school he acted unforgivably appalling and left me to apologise for his behaviour. It seems we cannot act as a mutual front for kids. He thinks I’m using them against him, because I pulled him up for lying recently! He doesn’t like being caught out, but turned it on me being jealous 😂

    Anyway, he’s previously threatened to go for sole custody – to bring in a live in nanny to take over my role. I lost all respect for him then when I realised he wanted to cut me out their lives. That threat settled, but this weekend, he said he wants to go through courts… All because I’d sent a suggested/proposed/draft schedule for first part of year – I used all those phrases and said it was all negotiable, but he went off the deep end – saying he thinks we should go through court to discuss. There was no change to current set up, except that I’d asked him to have them during a week in March.

    I know this is a lot of info, and don’t expect big responses – it’s sometimes just good to put it in writing!

    But my main question is – what can he actually achieve from going to court? If he’s not looking for sole custody, what can he have settled in court?

    I’m petrified – I’d give my life to these kids and know if he goes for a rigid structure it’ll affect him more than me – I have reorganised my life to be here for them; I have no one else to consider (deliberately not in a relationship) and will sacrifice anything to be their constant. I couldn’t step aside, and thought of a nanny cutting his slack makes me sick.

    What can he actually achieve?


    #18723 Report

    New to this! Just ticking the notification by email box…

    #18741 Report


    Hi, if you are a loving mum and your children are well cared for, the courts won’t do that.  Why would they?

    They may suggest 50:50 custody but if he has always put his job first, your ex is unlikely to demand that for long. Very hard to go partying with new women with two small children in tow.  Plus full time nannies – or even part-time nannies – aren’t cheap. Is your ex likely to pay out £10,000 a year?   Every year?

    as a previous poster says, stay calm, communicate only by email or text so everything is timed, dated & in black & white, be polite and reasonable but don’t be bullied.

    If he can’t do that weeekend in March, you can’t make him. You’ll have to rearrange. But don’t show you are upset. That’s what he wants. Just breezily brush it aside.

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