Well that escalated slowly
14 October 2019 at 8:44 pm #31669
To cut a long story short, I’ve (man) been married almost 18 years…9 of those varying degrees of bad/awful/lovelessness (I hung around, as I wanted our 3 kids to have both parents on hand 24 x 7 – didn’t want to screw them up) …during the past 7-8 years my wife has slowly escalated the marital woes (hence the title), but since August something has changed (big time) and she’s gone full on odd/weird/cold/remote (lie her body had been taken over by another person!)…in essence almost every night in September/October she’s gone out under the pretence of playing tennis or meeting friends – about 1.5 weeks ago, I caught her out at a local pub at 10.00pm in evening drinking with another guy…she was shocked that I’d found her & instantly reacted that he was ‘just a friend’ – I don’t believe her.
to be honest this is just the final episode in a long a tragic descent …I should have baled out ages ago, but like I say …kids.
She’s now saying she doesn’t owe me any explanations about where she’s going or who’s she’s seeing…she just goes out …night after night after night (sometime home very late)….I guess she’s right (since we haven’t operated as man & wife for a couple of years), but what has got my goat here is that in the past 6-7 weeks, she’s basically turned her back on our kids (as she’s not around here at home for them now ).
ok, to the point…this can’t go on, I need to start divorce proceedings …the obvious reason for divorce being ‘unreasonable behaviour’ (I have reams of bad behaviour that I can use!), *but* here’s the gotcha – I don’t want to move out as I’ve done nothing wrong (at least not until a judge has decided the final settlement/arrangements), but it seems that if I’m using ‘unreasonable behaviour’ that I cannot continue to live in our family home (which is a rental) with her after 6 months of the “most recent episode of unreasonable behaviour” – if I do, apparently a judge will deem that if I’m still living in the family home with her after 6 months that I’ve accepted her behaviour (as I’ve not moved out) & it can’t therefore be “unreasonable” therefore won’t grant the divorce on unreasonable behaviour grounds!
So to my question – for the purposes of ‘unreasonable behaviour – is the date in play the actual divorce filing (application) date …or the date my divorce application actually goes in front of a judge …because if it’s the latter apparently non-contested divorces are currently taking 6-12 months, then clearly when he comes to cast judgement re the divorce in say 8 months time …if I’m I’m still living here in the family home, then he can’t/won’t grant a divorce.
Or is it the date of filing for a divorce that counts?
it seems absurd that I have to be the one to move out …when she’s the one who is acting unreasonably.15 October 2019 at 7:24 am #31678
could you and the children move somewhere together? I know it’s not the best but maybe for your sanity it would be for the best, I would go to a citizen advice and see what your opinions are. good luck x16 October 2019 at 9:09 pm #31715
I am currently going through a divorce- my husband has had an affair, so slightly different however he refuses to move out. So we are currently cohabiting! I have applied for the divorce and we will continue to live together whilst the divorce is processed- and this isn’t effecting the process as far as I am aware!
I can’t afford to move out and pay both our mortgage and somewhere else and can completely understand your situation.
Seek solicitors advice (use the 30 mins free you’re entitled to- I asked loads of questions this way)
I don’t know if this helps
Lindsay x17 October 2019 at 1:55 am #31717
Re the suggestion about me moving out somewhere with our children – as much as this current recent turn of events is intolerable to me (& borderline cruel on our children) – it would be brutal to try & take the children away from their mum (I couldn’t/wouldn’t do it). And for all she’s pretty much turned her back our children over the past 6-8 weeks (due to constantly going out when the children are home …i.e. evenings + weekends), prior to this she was at home more….and my kids (like most kids) like having mum around.
I personally think her past 6 weeks (jaw dropping) absence is due to “happy chemicals” flowing around her body (you know – the dopamine related ‘hit’ you get when meeting a new member of the opposite sex) …this is all I can put the vast change in character to down to – July was normal (in the sense we weren’t getting on but at least she was around at home a bit more), then I took the kids away for a couple of trips in August & *everything* changed upon our return – she went from going out once or twice per week prior …to a full-on 7 nights a week! (& and absent Saturday & Sunday during the daytime too!) …she’s rolling in late (sometimes very late), she’s hungover the next day, sleeping it off in the afternoon, before going out again that same night – it’s affecting our children (my eldest lad (16) in particular, but my other two younger sons are showing signs of bemusement & hurt too)
I’d much rather she reigned in going out soooo much – and that we just sit down & work out/agree to a schedule where we’re she is *present* (around) at least every other week …she’s already suggested we each do alternate weeks/weekends, but knowing what I know about her social trends/habits (she literally can’t turn down a night out dancing/socialising in the West End of London …. nor can she refuse someone suggesting playing a game of tennis with her)…I therefore know all too well that when it’s to be her week/weekend ‘on’, she’ll not be disciplined or sacrifice & still try to go out regardless (I’ve a busy home-based job which sees me working into the evenings- so I happen to stay in a lot, so this puts me in the situation of I’m ‘always here’ …which gives her free reign to go out & leaves me feeling abused “Dad can you drop me off at my mates”, “Dad can you make lunch”, “Dad can you sort xyz”, Dad can you pick me up from the Gym” – it wears thin when it’s only me at home …plus it’s galling when I’m at home working in the evening, trying to keep my business on track …but being an Uber driver/Chef/hunter gatherer (Sainsburys run) … while she’s out partying without a care in the world).
Alas, re agreeing a schedule – she’s already indicated that when it’s her weekend ‘on’ she’ll sort the kids out (which I took to mean, she’ll knock up some food for them…but still go out socialising anyway) – this is not an acceptable ethos – it’s akin for example, to say one parent being granted custody of the kids every other weekend…and when it’s their turn for ‘access’ …they shirk & simply go down the pub or to a social event leaving the kids at home! It’s outside the ‘spirit’ of such an arrangement.
No, I really need their Mum to be in …to be around for the children when it’s her turn …these are disturbing unsettling times for our children, they need to feel secure that for all Mum & Dad are splitting up, at least both parents are here for them….but what we have at the moment, is Mum going out until 4.00am, getting up with a hangover,playing some tennis then going to sleep watching TV all afternoon …it’s toxic.
The other issue is she won’t talk to me about anything now (she gets shouty at me within seconds). Due to what I’ve found out about her ‘dark side’ I’m very wary of her now (it’s as if she’s another person – it’s whacky – I’ve been with her for 18 years & thought I knew every aspect of her, but in the last 6 weeks, it’s really like I don’t know her at all) …so I want to clear the air & have her tell me the truth about recent events (what triggered them etc.)…only when the truth is out & I know I’m not being lied to can I then consider mediation (it’s just how I’m wired…I need to be given facts to reconcile things in my head, a little bit of time to digest & then move on to the next stage) …but she’s chosen to ‘pull the shutters down . Personally I think that’s callous & debases the 18 years we’ve been together.
Hey ho… thanks for your comments & apologies for the mini rant-ette!