Weekends what to do?

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  • #14409 Report

    Gingey28
    Participant

    Hi guys, sitting here on a Saturday night single parent no plans wow what a difference from a couple of years ago used to be out most weekends only worry was if I had work early next day and how rough I would feel from drinking.

    Anyone else think the weekends seem the worst? My week seems more busy but I never have plans anymore it’s 7days a week of pretty much the same.

    Do I get myself out again have a night to look forward to? What dya reckon peeps

    #14411 Report

    Isabella87
    Participant

    Hiya,

    I know exactly how you feel about the weekends. They are honestly the hardest when you’re alone with children. It really helps if you have a bit of money but of course a lot of us don’t always have cash to spend.

    Having a night out is nice and it gives you a break…but if you have small children it can be quite hard to completely enjoy it and relax because you’re always worried about them and if they’re ok. Also getting back to reality can be really hard when you’re nursing a hangover or tired from being up late.

    I’ve tried to base my weekends around things we can all do together, but in a way where all our needs are met. I really like having a nice meal and being out and about so at weekends I try to get ready and dress up a bit so I feel good, and then I go to a shopping place, either outdoor or indoor with a park. There are also lots of restaurants to choose from. I’m not sure if you have a place like this near you…but you could just start with a park.

    Getting fresh air and moving around always helps me to feel good and start releasing endorphins. Then after an hour or so (maybe much more) I begin to feel hungry and so do the kids. So we go and find somewhere nice to sit and eat. I know it can be so stressful eating in public with small children but a lot of people really understand this and won’t give you a hard time if the kids are screaming etc….

    I try to distract mine with crayons and things like that or I have a conversation with them and make them laugh. It’s so nice to be out and about, especially in the evening. You can get that same feeling like you’re out and about but the kids are with you. This also really tires them out.

    When I get home I put on a movie and make the room cosy with fairy lights and lamps. I’ve found the lighting in my house really affects my moods. Anyway the kids are tired and I end up watching something on Netflix. A good gripping movie always makes me feel better.

    I know all these suggestions can feel a bit boring and tedious but for me it makes me feel like I still have a life and that I’m still getting out and about and feeling good. Lots of places allow kids to come inside, even pubs. If you have a safe way of getting home and you are responsible with drinking etc you can actually have a really fun evening. You’d be surprised how many people still go out for drinks and socialising with their kids.

    Having a night out without the kids of course is great at times ! but for me it’s such a rare thing and when it does happen I just don’t have the same feelings I used to, and I can never enjoy a lie in.

    I was the biggest party girl before I had kids. I partied during the week, I had no bed time or routine so this change of lifestyle was major !! Try to remind yourself that this is a phase and our kids will grow up and be able to have sleepovers with friends and family where we won’t have to worry so much…. we will get our freedom back and be able to have some adult fun again. For now we can have fun in a different way and make the most of the weekends in our own fun way.

    Oh and another thing, once we get out more we start to meet more people with kids and make new friends to connect with. Suddenly people start contacting you at the weekend asking what you’re up to and arranging to meet up. Once you start making plans with people and doing stuff together or having people over, the weekends wizz by.

    I hope this helps and you can always message me if you’re bored lol we all feel the same. It’s the Saturdays that hurt the most!  haha x

    #14413 Report

    Gingey28
    Participant

    Hiya aw was nice to hear from you and hope your doing well. My son is 10 months old he is crawling and wanting to do more. It’s brilliant to engage with him but living on your own means you also have all th3 housework and washing and I feel sometimes I get lost in this.

    I have recently moved out of my mums so it’s a massive change for me plus I have had issues in the flat since day 1 and don’t find it easy to relax it doesn’t have the homely feel I want so I think I will look to move again end of the tenancy.

    I have great support from family and friends but it is lonely and sometimes there is only so much I can do like go round the shops or for a drive. I am looking forward to him growing up and him being able to enjoy more. I was going to go to Blackpool for a week but thought it won’t be much of a break for me it’s just doing the same but spending a few hundred to do

    I hate days when I have no plans and my son gets bored in all day too

    How old are your children?

    #14415 Report

    Isabella87
    Participant

    Hi, my kids are actually 14 years old and 19 months, 13 years apart in age 🙈 one teenager and one toddler….probably both the hardest years to cope with separately let alone together.

    My teenage daughter is lovely and helpful at times but other times she’s just rude and lazy… also she constantly wants new things so each time I’m eyeing up that new pair of sunglasses thinking about how much they’ll cheer me up, she requests something that she needs. It’s all about constantly putting them before our own wants and needs, and sometimes that can be tough to adjust to.

    I know exactly how you feel about not feeling like your home is very homely. I was offered a brand new flat and accepted it but the area it’s in is just awful and right by the motorway. It’s literally teaming with people on drugs and drinking on the street. Also the flat was unfurnished and I got it when I was pregnant so I was trying to get all the baby stuff plus furnish a 2 bedroom flat….when I first moved in I had to blue tac newspaper to the windows because I’m on the ground floor and it was like a goldfish bowl and I hadn’t got any blinds or curtains yet.

    For the last 2 years I’ve just had to really be patient and get things gradually to make the flat feel more homely. For the first few months I was scared to leave the flat because the area is so rough. Then my neighbour upstairs took a disliking to me and started knocking on my door intimidating me and questioning me about how I got the biggest flat in the block with the garden. By the way the flat isn’t even big and the garden is tiny. I was on a housing list for 12 years after my first daughter was born and living with my mum also.

    The woman above me has honestly made my life so hard because she wanted the ground floor flat. She threatened to rip my head off when I was pregnant and I even had to have police involvement at one stage. Now she constantly throws her rubbish into my garden and despite constantly raising this complaint with the housing association, the situation continues.

    I went back to live with my mum at one stage when I was about to give birth because the woman’s abuse got so bad that I was too afraid to stay in my own flat. When I returned back to my flat not only was I really worried but I was also hit with the full responsibility of looking after the kids alone again.

    Literally not being able to even poo in peace. You’re just there on the toilet and this baby comes in and tries to put their bottle down the side of the toilet. Also you literally can’t even turn around to catch what’s happening on the news for a split second because before you know it you’ll be in A&E all day and night. I actually went into my garden this morning and another neighbour came onto her balcony and looked over me and said ‘what’s happening with your grass’ I just thought bloody hell I haven’t even been able to shave my legs let alone cut the grass!! It’s hard work and there’s no breaks, co-workers or sick days !! It’s just constant.

    I know what you mean also about going away and feeling like you’re just doing the exact same thing as you do at home. Honestly though a change of environment really does help me and also the lamps help too. I put my lamps on and do my best to tidy up because even though I don’t like where I am and I don’t feel safe either, once things are slightly more tidy and I have the right lighting I do feel more calm.

    Also music helps me so much. Sometimes I have days where I can’t move myself and I just go deeper and deeper into self pity. The minute I put music on (even in headphones if baby is sleeping) I honestly start to feel alive and happier…it’s become such a therapy for me. I actually love that maya angelou quote which says ‘some days there will be no song in your heart, SING ANYWAY !’

    I know all these positive quotes and life affirmations are all a bit cliche but some of them really do work and sometimes I remember that I have to fake it until I make it…some days I really do feel awful and I just act like I’m happy until I actually break out of the awfulness.

    Another thing I’ve started to do with free evenings is watch documentaries. Sometimes it helps to see how other people all over the world are living and all their struggles etc…I can watch something which makes me realise I don’t actually have such a bad life, and that really helps me and distracts me.

    I totally get it when people are telling you to do stuff like leave the house or go away on holiday or do this and that, and you’re just so tired from all the chors that you can’t even find the strength to get ready let alone leave the house. Don’t ever put too much pressure on yourself to do stuff or please anyone else. Just get your environment exactly how you want it to be because that’s where you’ll spend most of your days and it will help your moods if you have things how you want them. Even a pretty picture or mirror can help make things nicer. Also making the weekends special, going out, dressing up a bit and visiting someone or a restaurant. When I’m too tired I just have a strong coffee and head on out !

    These are the hardest years right now but we will come out the other side and be those old people that look back and say ‘those were the best years of my life’ and along the years we will laugh as much as we cry I promise you that xx

    #14417 Report

    Gingey28
    Participant

    You are really refreshing you have done it all and it sounds tough what you had to put up with at the flat. People really don’t care how they treat others I hope you are gettin on better now and yeah great ideas for making you feel more calm.

     

    My issue is I suffer with depression it comes and goes but always there. It’s not major but certain days I just feel its all too much

    I moved into the flat and since then I had insects all over the living room, some in downstairs bedroom and in kitchen it was horrible. I got told it was down to me and landlord wudnt do anything. I didn’t accept this and sent a letter to landlord and wow the estate agents organised pest control. That didn’t work he came again didn’t work and I had not been able to use my living room as insects were in their thousands. The floor had to be ripped up it was found to be rotten and crumbling away, this helped, they had to do the hall a few weeks later as that was damp and rotten. While tbese wprks were gwtting done i was constantly moving furniture into diff rooms, tv was upstairs and I had to stay at my mum’s for 3 n half weeks.

    While it’s massively improved I am still seeing insects and have had enough my son is crawling and i don’t feel comfortable there and rather go out or go round other ppls as he is more free to roam about. We had slugs the other night and urgh I js was put right off. O tried to get tenancy ended but they said no and landlord offered me 100pound as a sorry for trouble and if bedroom need a doing they will do in couple of weeks. Hate the place but like u I buy things to make it more my own, pictures of my son and nice little ornaments help. I will just not buy any sofas or a new bed cos may as well wait till I know if move or get my head round and stay

    I was harassed by text my someone who got told to by baby’s dad police didn’t do anything it made me feel uneasy but I changed my number and know it’s his way of tryin to get a reaction from me. We weren’t together it was casual buy he called me a liar and denies baby is his and got away wuthpaying as self employed and child maintenance won’t do anything so I was annoyed big time but left it, moving from my mum’s means I am not so close bybhim but he still grates me

    #14418 Report

    Isabella87
    Participant

    Hi,

    Thank you for sharing all of that it’s really brave to open up and let people see you vulnerable. I do it a lot in the hope that others will know they’re not alone, but it’s not always easy so well done for that.

    I suffer with depression too. It’s such a complex illness and so hard to prove you’re unwell as it’s an invisible illness. I totally get you about your feelings and everything you’re saying makes complete sense to me.

    I had my first daughter when I was 16 and I struggled so much with feelings of wanting to just be dead. Nobody knew what was wrong with me because depression wasn’t as accepted or talked about then. My doctor kept sending me away to read stuff or telling me to try St. John’s wart ? I got more and more sick and ended up self medicating with alcohol and drugs….of course I wanted help but no one would give it to me.

    Eventually my parents stepped in and sent me to a private doctor who diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. He prescribed me with fluoxetine and my life literally changed in a month ! I started getting out of bed in the morning and feeling good about my life. I started eating and sleeping better and I started going to college which then led to employement.

    I was on anti depressants for 10 years but I’m not on them now. I still get low from time to time but I’ve learnt to fight it and not let it take over me. I view it as my enemy and the last thing I want to do is let my enemy win. I do everything I can to change the triggers and to work through the worst spouts of depression that I get.

    So many people have made fun of me in my life for being depressed and self harming and I know that these same people expect me to have just fallen by the waste side and given up. My drive everyday is to get up and prove to everyone that no matter what you get hit with, you can still succeed and make a happy life for yourself. I love making my daughters happy and I love the journey I’ve been on to get here. The highs and the lows have taught me the most valuable lessons in life and made me so compassionate and understanding towards everyone. Everyone is struggling with something x

    So in regards to depression you are really not alone there and never feel bad about the illness or yourself because of it.

    With your flat I am honestly so gobsmacked that the landlord and whoever else thinks that’s a habitable flat for a baby to live in. Please go online and find out who your local MP is and write to them. Even if it takes up a whole day and your son is going crazy as you write it, just do it. Lay it on thick and mention your depression and how much your living standards are having an extremely negative effect on you. One thing I’ve learnt is that when people at the bottom won’t help you, go above.

    There are all kinds of things online about the legal requirements of a home before a child can live there. If there are insects and all kinds of other things going on in the house then you have every right to make a fuss because you’re not comfortable and this is effecting you and your sons well being. Remember the squeaky wheel gets the oil! Often people will just ignore you and brush you off in the hope that you will go away….a lot of landlords don’t want to deal with you because they can’t be bothered. If you carry on everyday and don’t let it go, I promise eventually someone will take you seriously and realise that this is an issue that you’re not letting go. It’s so easy to give up and let things go because we’re too tired to deal with them but trust me we can’t afford for our home environments to be uncomfortable. You’re not being too picky by wanting your son to be able to crawl on the floor freely….that’s normal !!

    Theres lots of help and advice online but your best best is to write to your MP and really don’t hold back on your struggles. These people are paid to help the community and be a voice for people in situations they can’t cope with.

    As for exes and child maintenance, well I totally understand you there. My youngest daughters dad is earning a lot of money and has never contributed towards her upbringing so far. He was awful to me when she was born. He said i’d ruined his new relationship and that i’d done something wrong to his other children by having this child. He made me feel so guilty for having my daughter and even had me saying ‘sorry’ to him. He transfered me £100 once and then up dated his profile picture to a picture that said ‘don’t take my kindness for weakness, the Wolf inside me is sleeping not dead’ 😂 it’s just laughable….

    I went to child maintenance and he was instructed to pay me a certain amount of money each week but he didn’t make his first payment last week…. it doesn’t surprise me at all and I just view him as a pathetic person whose missing out on the one thing money can’t buy… my aim is just to work myself up out of this and give my kids such a great life that they never even miss anything or want anything that they don’t already have. Also we will always be able to move on and romance isn’t off the cards. Plenty of people find loving relationships with children and we never know the love of our lives could be out there feeling like we do and just waiting for the day they meet a like minded soul.

    It’s so nice to have a place we can share our fears and frustrations. It definitely helps sharing stories and getting things off our chests x

    #14421 Report

    Gingey28
    Participant

    I have spoke to everyone and no one really sees the issue, mp never rang back,  citizens advice useless, shelter, solicitors, environmental health not bothered and as the landlord has done something that counts but i thibk its made me so down and as i say id rather be out than there even if the problem is going I still have had a rotten time of it

    Yes some days I am overwhelmed I cry a lot even in front of people and just say how I feel. Everyone else has someone and doesn’t live alone it’s tough but in my own mind I know we all do a great job and not many people realise how hard it is but I do feel proud I am doing it

    #14422 Report

    Gingey28
    Participant

    I’m glad you are off the tablets I’m on and off them I can’t decide if they are good or not but don’t really help. Been referred for counselling but I had that before will it help Don’t know

    #14423 Report

    Gingey28
    Participant

    Yes as I say it was casual he had a gf too but he knew what he was doin a 50 50 and he didn’t once want to use protection and he knew I wasn’t on the pill so yeah he is pathetic and is a low life who is missing out. My Dad was never involved in My life it’s sad but the way it is for a lot of people having only one parent

    I have exhausted every avenue and I am fuumin they let me and my son stay there. We have put our beds in smaller room upstairs all been so inconvenient it’s unreal but I won’t buy any furniture

    #14435 Report

    Isabella87
    Participant

    Hi,

    Ok so regarding your MP not getting back to you, you need to keep trying and put it all into writing. If you want you can send me a direct message with the ins and outs of what you’re experiencing and I can put a letter together for you. Don’t let being ignored put you off….you have to knock down doors to get the attention of the people who can help you. Do not give up. I actually threatened to go to the local paper when no one was taking me seriously and then all of sudden my housing association started coming over and wanting to talk with me. You can’t just let people disregard your concerns, you have to keep banging on until someone somewhere takes you seriously. Remember all of what we do is for our kids most importantly, so we stop at nothing !

    You know before I stopped taking the tablets I actually went through so much hell. I was in and out of abusive relationships, both romantic and just friendships where people didn’t treat me properly. I promise you that it really does improve eventually but we have to do stuff to help ourselves too. For me my diet was really bad so I improved that and I started going to bed earlier and doing more walks during the day etc…. I cut off anyone who didn’t make me happy or treat me with respect. It took years of changes for me to actually feel like things were changing, but then when they actually did, I can’t tell you how good it feels now. And yes you will feel this too…. NO ONE stays down for too long. We always rise just as hard as we fall !

    For now it’s all about survival right ? And getting through each day. I would definitely go for the counselling because it helped me so much to be able to talk about my feelings and actually digest them by going through them all… we have to let it all out and crying is actually really healthy for us because we’re able to just let go of all that built up emotion AND it’s so much better to cry it out rather than self destruct or develop bad habits to handle it.

    I know it’s so easy to say ‘forget your sons father’ because that’s impossible at the present moment, but remember he’s going to have to deal with the repercussions of being an absent father and not providing any support. No one wants that kind of guilt in their heart and we all know how heavy guilt feels. We’ll never have to feel that because we live everyday to protect, love and grow the little humans that will grow up to love and admire us for all of what we’re doing now and bring us so much joy xx we won’t be stressed, tired and frustrated forever !

    The best thing we can do to deal with these absent fathers is just get better and better and happier and happier….we never know our true strength until it’s dragged and beaten out of us but I promise we have so much strength within us, greater than we ever know. I know you can feel weak and defeated at times, I get that too but remember when our body’s properly heal from the overwhelming ordeal of pregnancy and birth and bringing up a toddler alone…we are going to get stronger and things are going to get better as our moods change and hormones level out.

    #14438 Report

    Gingey28
    Participant

    Hi

    The Insects are dying off I’m just fed up we has to put up with this since we moved. Ideally I need a place where bedrooms are on same floor I have my son in with me I want him to have his own room. When I ring anyone I don’t think I have a case to end my tenancy early because there isn’t evidence of a problem

    I should be back at work in 2 months. That will be strange and I’ll be like the new kid but all the old pressures will not be there as I am just going part time. Before I was pregnant I got a full time contract and promoted to trainee supervisor, it was horrible I couldn’t do it, now I have a 10 month old so I do the hardest job we can do and yeah well proud

    The weather now makes me miserable days shorten, all wet and yukky

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