Wanting to establish regular contact between my son and his father

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  • #8234 Report

    DD
    Participant

    Hi New to this so please bare with me.

     

    Me and my ex split over a year ago, we have had periods of being at each other throats and periods of getting alone.

     

    We agreed when we split he would have our son every other weekend, this worked for a while but he is in the forces and was posted away for 3 months. After he returned he got straight into a relationship and has since been very hit and miss having our son.

     

    This was very frustrating however i didn’t kick up too much of a fuss because the excuses for not having him was “painting the house and fumes” or he himself being ill but i’ve soon come to realised through social media that this is just lies, he is in fact just having fun weekends with his plus one.

     

    My question really for this group is can i have agreements set in stone that his is to have our son every other weekend despite a better offer coming along? I just feel we had our some TOGETHER therefore despite the relationship break up he should still see and support his child. My son loves his dad and is always wanting to see him but the feeling is clearly not reciprocated.

     

    My Ex should do his share when it comes to weekends and  school holidays as i work and cant afford the childcare or this holiday time off? he pays me very little for how much he earns (£180 a month, his annual pay is £40K a year)  and makes out like i should be very grateful, therefore as of today i’m starting proceeding with the CSA or whichever company it is now.

     

    Feel slightly alone in my situation and hoping someone has experience similar frustrations. I probably should just except that he doesn’t want to see his child but why should he just walk away from his responsibility and i’m left to raise our son 100% on my own

     

     

    #8236 Report

    DD
    Participant

    My son is 4 and a half. I completely agree with what your saying to lower my expectation however I just wanted to know if I have any rights

    #8237 Report

    Chris95
    Participant

    Hi there

    i was in a similar position. The kids dad had taken me to court to get residency, he didn’t get it and was given every other weekend and every Wednesday night. Well what a nightmare that was for a year! He’d turn up when he wanted disrupting many plans and he’d bring them back sometimes 3 hours early and drop them off at my work where they’d have to wait til I’d finished work. (They were 4, 8 and 9 at the time)

    i took him back to Court and the judge told me she can’t make him see them.

    so that was that! For the next 5 years I let him come and go as he pleased (through gritted teeth might I add)

    then 3 weeks ago I decided enough is enough (very proud of myself by the way) and said if he isn’t here by 12 on the Saturday, they ain’t going! I’ve sadly had to block him from my phone as the mind games and nastiness still haunted me but I now feel like a new woman.

    ive learnt that fighting and expectations get us nowhere. But I’ve also learnt that respect, time keeping and not allowing for disappointments are the key. I hope this helps. I know it’s hard to hear but now 6 years down the line, I’m free from all that. I wish I’d have learnt this years ago as it would have saved 5 years of heartache

    #8238 Report

    Chris95
    Participant

    I’ve studied this whole thing of why the doting dad suddenly stops doting and my conclusion is that men just can’t accept not being part of the family unit. I’ve racked my brains of all other possibilities but none of them fit. Not just with my situation but with other single mums I’ve met too.

    i don’t wish to upset any dads reading this and if you disagree, please enlighten me

    #8244 Report

    I think as Anonymous said above, all you can do is take responsibility for your own actions, nobody else’s.

    I’m assuming there’s no court order in force?  Can you say our lad will be available every other weekend from X til X.  Please confirm by 6pm the night before that you will be collecting him.

    That way you all know where you are?  Expect to have a weekend just you and your lad and if dad confirms on Friday night that he’s coming well that’s a bonus for your little one.

    Sometimes if we start with low expectations the only way is up 😉

    #8247 Report

    DD
    Participant

    Thank you for all your great advise. It’s looking like I might be best not wasting, the little money I have on solicitors and court fees and just accept he’s not going to be a permanent figure in my sons life.

     

    Its just so disgusting that there are good dads out there fighting to see their kids yet our deadbeats can’t even be bothered when the opportunity is available

     

    Just scary that someone can just give up/walk away from their child. It makes you think that if we had the same mentality as these men our kids would end up in care. Thanks god one of the parents have the love, care and support these children need!

    #8253 Report

    Chris95
    Participant

    Absolutely! That’s the spirit. It’s their loss. They will never get these years back

    #8254 Report

    Chris95
    Participant

    In hindsight I wouldn’t have taken him to court. I stupidly assumed that a court order was the law and they were breaking it if they don’t comply. I must admit I was pretty shocked when the judge said he doesn’t have to see them even with a court order in place. At least I learnt that though. After that I didn’t get so frustrated when he didn’t turn up

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