Wanting the best conditions for everyone

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  • #58882 Report

    Ant
    Participant

    Dear all,

    I am Antonin and I am doing all what I can to do the right thing for my child, my ex-partner and myself

    Our little one was born early on the 14th of August and I have not been able to meet him. My ex-partner and her mother chose to give me very few information and pictures and since the 3rd of September when they were discharged from the hospital they stopped any contact. They justified this as I was advised to ask to a solicitor to contact them regarding contact with our child and regarding the birth registration as they chose not to declare me as the father and chose not to let me meet our child.

    I am seeing a counsellor, I am working with a solicitor and I am reaching any help and contacts which could provide information about what are the best conditions I can established to be able to bond with our child. I aslo receive a lot of support from my family and friends.

    It is a very challenging time for me but I believe it is also a very challenging time for my ex-partner and for our child.

    I believe that my ex-partner has been very unwell during the pregnancy having panic attacks before and after the beginning of the pregnancy. I don’t think I provided the support she needed but I believe that only a counsellor could have done that as she could not talk to me about her feelings. She chose to end the relationship and accused me of things that I didn’t do telling me that I wanted her to fall when we were walking outdoor or that I wanted to have her mother’s money. During the pregnancy I told them, my ex-partner’s mother being very involved, that I wanted to be a present and active father.

    They chose not to declare me as the father and accusing me of being disruptive when I wanted to be the father that soon or later I will be. For example telling me that I could not go to the hospital because of covid regulations when I know, after being in contact with the hospital, that it was a choice of my ex-partner. For example, telling that they could not take the clothes specially bought to fit our premature child because of the space in the room at the hospital.

    Could you please let me know if there is anything that I could do for everyone to have the best conditions for everyone’s wellbeing? I know that it is going to be a matter or family laws. I am so reluctant to do it when we could find resolutions without the emotional and financial cost.

    I am also afraid that my ex-partner could move as it is something that her mother did twice with different men.

    This recollection is of course my perspective and I understand that my ex-partner has suffered a lot too.

    I am also very tired and drained, please forgive my writing.

    Antotnin

    • This topic was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Ant.
    #58889 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    Hi Antonin,

    Sorry to read things are tough for you in this journey. It’s great to read you are getting counselling and trying to find the healthiest solutions for you all.

    it can be really tough to be fully accountable or not let our feeling cloud or inform our judgement, but it does seem like you are trying to be empathic with your ex-partners difficulties … really think its worth sticking with the counselling as it generally does take time to work things out fully.

    As much as you are trying to be understanding & recognise where as you say you may not of been the best support,  it does sound like perhaps your still holding some harmful judgements; that this is all about her mental health, or using her mothers experience set in a harmful narrative of something she ‘did’ towards other men… (as opposed to understanding why or what caused this reaction or need perhaps).

    pre & post natal anxiety are very real health issues and can happen all too often to anyone… as much as yes, they do require professional support or healthcare to over come – it could be worth while trying to look up how you can best support or help someone experiencing these symptoms.  Too often the responsibility is placed on the unwell person to explain what their issues are or teach somebody how to help this, which is an unfair burden & extra stress; especially when information can be easily found from specialised organisations.

    looking at what is the healthiest options with so much stress & difficulties so far, it might be better to take a very gentle gradual approach to heal this & re-establish respect & trust. Charging ahead with the legal route is likely to be more stressful for you all and might not help anyone’s mental health.

    would it be possible to try to work with a charity like relate? – they can potentially support you both individually if wanted, could offer mediation &/ some sort of family counselling.

    I’m not saying this will be easy, but over time… if you can gently establish that you are doing all you can to overcome any of the issues you had, learn as much as you can independently about how to support the mental health, and find small ways you can provide or support your child, (would the accept maintenance?), and try to get healthy professional support to come to agreements, over time this could mean you are more likely to rebuild a co-parenting team for your child.

    if this really doesn’t work maybe in 6 months or so when things might be settling down, it could be worth re-exploring the legal options, and be prepared for the financial costs or emotional hardships of this.

    hope this helps

    #58893 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    Hi,

    it’s going to be very tough, but now I would suggest you to be focused completely on your child. try to be amicable with your ex. using solicitors for all contact with your ex is going to cost you a fortune, and perhaps she has taken this route to be vindictive and financially ruin you. it’s out of order for you to not be able to hold your child in your arms. I went through the courts and they ordered ex to give a private room at their family home for me to see baby 🙂 maybe you can give her a few weeks to calm down and let off steam. but would suggest do not wait it and let months pass before you start taking action to see your son. your a father, not a cash point.

    #58894 Report

    Ant
    Participant

    Hi Steve,

    Thank you for your response.

    Her financial situation is more precarious than mine and I started with a solicitor to offer an amicable solution which was used to block any information that I could have about my child.

    How long did you wait to ask for a child arrangement order?

     

    #58895 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    I did not hang around for long. had my mediation appointment on day the child was born. after you submit court papers, there is around a 2-3 month wait before you go to your 1st hearing, and then there is still no guarantee that you will get to see your child after that 1st hearing is over. it all depends on your situation. if your dealing with someone who wants to control you and is using child as a pawn, then either you let her control you and dictate everything, or you can rely on court to sort this out.

    #58896 Report

    Ant
    Participant

    Hi JBLA,

     

    Thank you for your response,

    I am not judging her or her mother. I have described too simply what has happened but I understand constructions and representations. However, what I have been told was that my ex-partner was happy during pregnancy but I suppose that all was not shared. It is the lack of openness that has created the situation we are in and this is not coming from me. I accept the situation and grow with it.

    I know that making choices are limited by our awareness and I do adapt my views understanding this. That is why I think that the work with narrative analysis should include others’ narratives and critical thinking. I do think that the emergence of knowing ourselves and others can’t be done without the recognition of our intrinsic unity. I believe that there is no other option to understand more and to live fully.

    In that sense, I respected what was asked to do by my ex-partner and her mother for months but now it seems that they don’t have the resource to emerge towards accepting what we are and where we need to go for everyone’s wellbeing. I still believe that not meeting my child after 25 days is wrong and harmful. I am accepting it and it empowers me.

    I tempted many times to bring a common evolution offering to share as safe and caring place to do this.

    I understand pace, time and distance when needed. Not it is a matter or my child developing.

    Thank you JBLA, your response made me think and reach some perspectives.

     

    #58897 Report

    Ant
    Participant

    Hi Steve,

    Thank you for sharing,

    I am glad it went well for you and your child.

    Mediation is not an option at that stage or even before.

    I understand that I am not going to be able to meet my child for a very long time.

    #58906 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    you are most welcome, sorry if its not what you’d like to hear and of course it’s totally alright to disagree.

    You asked for the healthiest solution; and coming from an evidence based & expert by experience perspective, as a personal experience of somebody who’s parents wared through courts, have survived IPV, have mental health issues myself… a difficult relationship with my mother, and working as a former independence domestic abuse advocate, having spent 5 years both as a survivor & professionally contributing to the domestic violence bill….& single parent of two…. i can only give you my honest perspective of how to negotiate this situation as you say with the most wellbeing prioritised for all, in our current system, full of lived experience.

    informally, as a  peer replying to on an anonymous single parent charity forum, as you say;

    “could you please let me know if there is anything that i could do for everyone to have the best conditions for everyone’s wellbeing? I know that it is going to be a matter for family laws. I am so reluctant to do it when we could find resolutions without the emotional and financial cost.”

    Sitting in my kitchen 🙂 if you were here i would likely make you tea, we could sit in the garden & have a chat. Probably interjected with random discourse regarding the flora & complaining about housework, while doing emails, cupcakes & shopping, meetings ..normal life stuff 🙂

    i’m in a city. the builders are effing & blinding’s about school bills for the kids next door, the noise is deafening. But the buntings & prayer flags are still up in the garden, the crocosmia is still out, apples hang from the tree around the kids trampoline & swing set. i have ptsd. maybe this is best served with lemon balm tea… the kids grew some, if you’d like. 🙂

    I’m sorry if my tone is off. im not saying your wrong for feeling pissed off or desperate. i have a kicking headache & fibromyalgia flare.. trust me, i know pain. i’m here finding solace in being part of a community of people who have understanding & sharing the wealth of lived experiences. i’m sorry if i was offensive in any way or caused difficult feelings. it was not my intention. i’m not saying i’m right or have any guarantees, im limited to generalised information in this context, but ive lived & worked in this system. gentle it is not. Unless there is a greater risk harm from a sustained harsher environment & effect, much evidence suggests this can be more harmful for well being than on going attempts with family therapy & ensuring mum & baby have as much healthy input from you as is healthy for all of you. im not saying this is an easy option either. i’m sorry you are all experiencing this. It’s not impossible to resolve with healthy outcomes, and there is never a limit to how many times the door of healthy option needs to be within reach. it doesn’t mean it will be easy or less painful at times. with an evidence based approach .. set a reminder to make an email address or online storage with something you do for you baby each day that’s healthy & might be needed if they read or see it. Even just silly happy stuff for the days you don’t see them. it wont fix anything but t might help you feel more involved.

    Perhaps i should of rephrased this as; the charity ‘relate’ can provide mental health support and mediation in a safe(r) environment for you all & help you all work towards communication.

    – Gingerbread helpline could be worth calling about this too, perhaps they could signpost to more support services locally who could help too?

    if you want to be the best dad you can be… the first question is… does mum have everything she needs for her & baby to be healthy?

    i hear this is tearing your heart & mind apart, this hurts. i get it hurts more than any feeling know so far. this parenthood!

    I’m not saying you are doing the wrong thing, but it will be likely more useful to have a longer term view for the long term healthy solutions. Sometimes the laws are not the healthiest process or practice needed. You have some fantastic mantras & affirmation in practice, you are not doing badly, but without passing judgement.. my advice is … do you really want to start this journey in a stressful court process & environment for all… remembered. Or see if this can be fixed with 6-12 months of family therapy & mediation first, with the long time pay off being a potentially healthy working relationship & easy access to on going professional support if needed to assist with any mental health/ parenting issue in the future? Especially if you can afford it. Could likely be less expensive than court, the money you save can be saved for things your child will treasure & value. taking a gentle approach, potentially if it’s family therapy with the grandma aswell, you could likely see your child sooner, without animosity or hostility, in a safe(r)place. if you have any safe-guarding concerns, the charities are usually very good at signposting or referrals to any other support needed if possible. it would mean your child is more likely to start with more resources & support.

    For now your child has a mum grandma, drs, lots of appts, health visitor & who ever else mum has for support & help with any difficulties or issues. this hurts, but is not an emergency. lots of fathers miss the birth of their child, this in its self (if you can build a healthy long term relationship afterwards), doesn’t  necessarily cause any harm to a baby. You’d be surprised if you knew the stats. it’s not always for a bad reason.

    25 days must be very tough.

    Congratulations on becoming a father. 26 days is big xx you sound like you are really trying your best to be the best father you are, in difficult circumstances. a bit of paper doesn’t invalidate your heart, love or difficulty faced.

    best of luck to you all.

    #58927 Report

    Ant
    Participant

    Hi JBLA,

    Thank you for taking time to respond.

    I do not want to hear anything. I don’t need validation, my way of thinking is a “volitional” process.  I have the will to will to think.

    I appreciate your kindness and your will to have a reassuring tone. I do appreciate your will to explain and I do appreciate that life can be difficult to go through as you know very well.

    I am accepting the situation but it does not mean that the situation is right. I do not have to accept a flawed system that makes fathers or mothers not able to see their child. I do understand the structure of the law and the structure of psychological care. The situation is detrimental to everyone and this is maintained by how the society is organised. I accept that too but I am without resource.

    My ex-partner has not been sharing since she chose to break up. I do not now her situation and I have proposed opportunities many times and this is was not welcomed. I have offered many amicable solutions and those were declined. The animosity is not coming from me, I do love everyone but I have an issue with imposed suffering even if I understand that honesty is an ability which is challenged in difficult time.

    I am still going to explore the possibilities that would minimise harm for everyone. Thank you very much for your advice. I contacted a Relate branch.

    I do appreciate your will to be reassuring but the harming situation is already here for everyone and it is also through this acceptance that everybody could be more opened and evolve. Even the avoidance to build an healthy environment is harming but because of the state of analysis of individuals and professional this is not addressed.

    For the moment my son is with a manipulative grandmother, has care that could be harmful, has shared detrimental feelings about me and about  parenting, is not having the love of his father…. I do know that my relationship with my child will be caring, understanding and loving but it should be now and again I accept the situation and the resources of everyone.

    I would not say that our child is at risk at immediate harms but as my ex-partner is and her mother this is a terrain for difficulties.

    I apologise for being a short. I do so much and I am so tired that I can’t explain everything.

    Thank you again for your openness and will to share,

    Emeric

    #58930 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    If I were you I would remove your name from your posts. you never know one day this may be used against you! I hope things work out for. just because a relationship or marriage breaks down, that is not a valid reason to deprive you from being with your child. can you imagine if it was the other way round. you would probably have all sorts of people banging at your door.

    #58948 Report

    Ant
    Participant

    I am going to do my best in this situation. Any advice welcome

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)

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