Waiting for the bad news

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  • #42733 Report



    Since separation, I have been the victim of a prolonged campaign to damage my reputation by painting me as an harrasser and abuser of my ex. In the meantime I have received countless emails criticising me about my parenting, insulting me, calling me vindictive, spreading hateful stories about her, being deliberately awkward, feeding negative information to our child etc etc.  She has commented publically about me being an abuser of her. I have been attacked in the street, and verabally abused in public, amongst other stuff. None of these people have witnessed a thing, it is all hearsay. I do not care about that, but I do care about our daughter being brought up in this environment.

    Now I am convinced that my ex has been applying for a non-molestation order to be made upon me. When I hear the postman come a chill runs through me.

    She has not replied to any of my  emails (regular emails, about arrangements an things, to coincide with drop-offs) for weeks. I am 99% certain that she has already tried – and failed – to get one previously, and now she is going back. On the “balance of evidence”, i.e. if she complains for long enough, the Courts may well feel obliged to do something “just in case”. Perhaps this will be aided by the fact that there were two minor incidents that I admitted to from before I left her. (Naturally, she did not admit to hers.) And when she claims verbal intimidation by me at her door (no, it is not true!) , I do not suppose that she will show them our agreement to do verbal updates.

    I feel a fool for agreeing to move away from Court-ordered written updates. I wanted to cooperate, for the good of our child, but now I feel that I have just made it more likely that she loses her father even more.

    What can I to to protect myself and our child please? I just want her to stop. I have even wondered if killing myself is the way out but then I think of our child and my other loved ones. Can I claim harrassment myself? What good would this do anyway?

    Importantly, can I find out if a non-mol application has been made against me, and can I make representations to the Court in anticipation of her claims?


    #42735 Report


    Unless there is an immediate risk to your ex partner then the courts are unlikely to issue a non mol order without consulting you. Non mol orders are not easy to obtain and you have to prove that you have been harassed and distressed as a result of someone’s repeated behaviour. If someone makes an application against you, then you will be notified and you will have an opportunity to voice your version of events. Don’t spend your days worrying about a potential, start to work on ways of resolving the issues you have such as minimising communications directly, only discussing things that absolutely need discussing, consider communication and handovers by 3rd parties (family if poss). This allows you both time with your child individually without needing to see each other. Some people use a communication book that transfers with the child if you need to pass on specific information.

    #42736 Report


    Thank you, Greenfinger. We were  using a communication book before, but the Mum refused to use it unless I went to email. Then she suggested we did it verbally, and now has stopped talking to me. I feel that I am being led on. Thank you for your advice.

    #42738 Report


    don’t worry, had one attempted against me.. similar situation.. judge gave her a complete grilling.. my counsel did not even have to say a word.. and then judge said is it not me that needs the order.. without proper evidence and real reason everything is heresay and to be honest the court system is not there for people to manipulate to their advantage and the judges see nonsense daily and will not tolerate it..

    #42794 Report

    Family Time
    1. Hello sorry you feel this way , it’s sad when the children get caught in this cross fire . My estranged husband is living with his gf and her three girls has not seen ours since January 2020 he keeps or shall I say she keeps calling the police on me their have been four false calls about harassing him and one to say his children are not safe ni my care , I feel he keeps calling in the hope they will put one on me it does emotionally batter you I too sit and wait for the next call to the police I can’t see them stopping all I know is Iam trying to parent the best I can and this is childish behaviour .
    #42875 Report


    Thanks everyone. It does help when you know others are going through the same kind of stuff.

    It depresses me that you get people like your ex, Family Time. He has not seen his girls since January but says they are not safe with you? So what does he want then?

    singledad01, it is reassuring to know that the Judge can be sensible in these cases. The amount of hearsay and complete lack of evidence from my ex is overwhelming.



    #42878 Report


    Been there. It is awful and takes you to your limit. But you have to remind you, it is all about control. They want to be in control of your life and that is where she or he will ultimatively fail. If the narrative doesn’t live up to the truth, they will be found out. Just stick to everything you have on paper and do not abriviate from it. If you are there for your child and do not engage in any battles, keep away from your ex as much as you can, you will make it through. I took a friend with me, when I picked up our child, which really worked well. The best thing that happend was, when she once chased us down the lawn, our youngest one and me, on an open day at university. She was kicking me and screaming, our son crying, just in front of a police stall. The police came and cautioned me, I am the male and that means I am the abuser. They made a note for social services and our son was assessed. What a good thing that was. Our lifes improved, our son got help, the school became aware of how the situation really was. He lives with me most of the time for quiete a while now, is a happy chap, not violent any more and his marks in school have rocketed.  So the moral, if there is one, you are in for a marathon and lies don’t last longer than a sprint. She still, to that day, doesn’t stick to times, is always late or tries to alters any arragement we have. I am on time, we wait for her, I don’t alter anything, just stick to what we have agreed to and if she doesn’t want to I just walk away. I am always friendly but distant and if she oversteps the mark, I show her the door.  The only thing you are really in control of in your situation is your behaviour. Be consistent, control yourself and be there for your child. In my case that was the best I could do for our children. And it worked. Our oldest one is 17 and was 13 when we split up. He could chose where to live and moved in with me. So there is the age threshold anyway once they become older. And don’t give up for them to have contact with their other parent. What ever pain in the back that might be, your children will be grateful if you do.

    #42884 Report


    In all things, never regret the gift of life. Never contemplate death.

    Compose yourself as a man, this is a storm you are going through, it will calm down with time.

    Praying that you overcome it all.

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