Visitation schedule for an 8mth old? What to do :(

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  SLM19 6 days, 23 hours ago.

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  • #33648 Report

    vmarsh82
    Participant

    hi all 

    my ex is wanting 50:50 access which I don’t object to long term. But our son is only 8mths old.

    currently he’s seeing him 3-4 days a week 3-4 hours at a time.

     

    and he wants to extend those and start overnights as well

    my preference would be that he saw him for an hr or 2 on the other days rather than making the blocks longer. And I don’t feel overnight is right yet.

    but I don’t feel I have a leg to stand on. Our baby is very relaxed and happy so I feel I must be wrong for saying no to him about this longer day visits

    he’s still breastfed and can’t sit up yet.

    has anyone had any experience of this?

    #33651 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    I’d say once at twelve months point and can have cow’s milk, I’d suggest that he extends 2days contact, but perhaps by building up one first. BUT if you intend returning to work and need to use childcare refusing him longer days wouldn’t be an ideal situation.

    Does he work? How can he manage four days for that length of time?

    Ideally, overnight would start at 18-24 months. But obviously that’s not set in stone.

    #33709 Report

    SLM19
    Participant

    Hi there, my ex husband left when our LG was 8 months old and he used to see her for a couple of hours mid week after work, in addition to one overnight stay at the weekend. I felt exactly the same and wanted to build up contact, but was essentially bullied into overnight stays too early, (it was a toxic relationship and I was scared of his consistent court threats etc). I believed little and often was best under 1 year, and it sounds like overnights could certainly be something to work towards, however from my own experience, my daughter has real seperation anxiety with myself and I think it’s because of the conflict of parenting styles etc. On the other hand, my brother in law seperated with his ex when his daughter was 8 months and has had her regularly once overnight every weekend with no problems.

    If you can agree between yourselves, I’d definitely recommend working together rather than through the courts as it’s so costly and traumatic.

    We now have a contact arrangement court order whereby he has her every other weekend, and once overnight midweek, (she is now 2 years old).

    Perhaps once your son is one, you could look to start extending, but I think your suggestion of building contact is fair before extending to 3-4 overnights. I did so much research into the child’s development and what would be best, so if you’re in a position to discuss such things with your ex partner that may help. Trust your gut though as its so easy to doubt yourself and feel pressured/bullied by the other other person’s want, it becomes a tug of war but your sons welfare is the most important thing.

    I hope you are doing OK, and I hope you can work out an arrangement that suits your son. Its tough but you’ll be fine.

    X

    #33710 Report

    vmarsh82
    Participant

    Thank you

    The other week I said I would prefer little and often rather than bigger chunks of time. Which he agreed to and I think has forgotten.

    So he asked to have for a larger chunk again.

    I had a research and that did seem to suggest little and often was preferable.

    My first I was bullied into allowing him to go away overnight very early. He’s 7 now and only just stopped having issues at handovers. We had a terrible time at pre-school and school as well. He would never want to leave who he was with. I assume because of that worry he wouldnt be able to see them again.

    I obviously want to avoid this this time around. Plus I dont have post-natal depression this time, so its a terrible seperation feeling I get when the baby is away whereas before it was a relief so I didn’t think that baby might have been having issues.

    He does see him regularly.

    Ive made plenty of suggestions of extra times for him to see him, told him to let me know about what times activites are on (like swimming etc) so we can be flexible. But he never has taken me up on any of those.

    It’s just incredibly hard to not feel like I’m being selfish or am wrong when I’m suggesting that our baby needs to not be away from his mother for more than 4-5hours at a time!

    I find it so very stressful and really struggle not to overreact and panic/get stressed. I’ve never really experienced this before but I all my body is telling me is that I hate this person and he needs to be away from me and my family. Except of course theres no basis to that apart from the emotional hurt of the breakdown during pregnancy. I know things will settle down but everytime he forgets what we spoke about or asks for more time in a block I immediately get this response of that I need to protect my baby! *sigh*

    Thank you again – it was helpful to read your replies. xx

    #33714 Report

    SLM19
    Participant

    I totally understand and can identify with what you’re saying, but you’re doing everything you can, and more!

    Yes I think you’re right, at such a young age they do not understand that the person they’ve just left will be back again etc.

    I hope you can work something out as it is so hard x

     

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