victim of emotional abuse

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  • #58462 Report

    lmk7777
    Participant

    hi , I’m a single parent since 2018 i left my sons father because he was emotionally bullying/gas lighting me .ย  I tried to do things his way for 3 months after we split but in the end I couldn’t cope with how he was making me feel.

    i tried mediation he said no and he wont go to court , the last time he emailed me was last October announcing he was having a baby { his 3rd child with 3rd baby mum } . before that i would get a message every 3 to 4 months saying i can have my son wed to friday . not asking what works best for my son and me not discussing it just telling me what was good for him.

    my son has started asking where he is and could he see him ,5 times I’ve tried to start a process to arrange for him to do so but every time I’ve stopped because I don’t know what to do , I’m finally getting better more confidant more me again , i want him to see his father but i want to protect myselfย  and my son from getting manipulated and emotionally bullied .

    can anyone advise or help because i really don’t know what to do for the best , i just want what’s best for me and my son

    #58465 Report

    Belle.belle18
    Participant

    Hi!
    I am so sorry to hear you had to experience this.
    I have been through a similar situation

    maybe consider some sort of mediation or supervision of contact?

    feel free to contact me

    belle x

    #58479 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    it’s good that your encouraging your ex partner to see his son, but I don’t think there is more that can be done if he is not interested. if he is not available to see child in person, you could offer telephone/video calls?

    #58500 Report

    lmk7777
    Participant

    hi thankyou for your reply’s, sorry been at work first day today ..

    I tried mediation he doesn’t feel the need for outside help , if i knew things could be easy and fair and ok id arrange stuff between us but unfortunately it isn’t and I’ve worked to hard building myself back up from the shell of a person i was when i made myself leave him , to just let him control and manipulate me and my son.

    if I’m honest i don’t feel he would be any good to my son but it is his father and he has been showing interest about him so i feel i need to try and arrange something but also need to keep myselfย  and my mental health safe, cause if i fall down im no good to both of my children.

    i was gonna go to court but hes already said he wont go , then i was thinking contact centre ? but every time i just get overwhelmed and dont know what to do for the best .

    #58518 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    I think if your allowing him to see child and he’s not interested, then court would not be a good idea. court is useful if a parent is being denied access to children and they go there for help. court can not force him to see his kids. you can leave the ball in his court. you could ask him if hes able to pick child up from school and take to his place? school is good place for handovers, and you won’t have to see eachother.

    #58868 Report

    lmk7777
    Participant

    the thing is i dont know if he will bring him back ? and with doing this without a plan in place where he has to do it or …. im scared he will just walk all over me and try to control me again . i dont have anyone to be the third party either so would have to be me .

    #58869 Report

    lmk7777
    Participant

    also he hasnt seen his dad since before he was 2

    #58878 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    Hi KLM,

    so sorry to read you’ve had this experience, but wonderful you have escaped. Seems like you have really tried your best to make things work.

    sometimes i think there is this harmful myth floating about that kids need a father, even if he is abusive or that it’s a mothers shame, blame responsibility or fault if he isn’t around… It might be worth looking up the effects of emotionally abusive fathers or having a chat with the national domestic abuse helpline, which could help you feel stronger to know that absence is less harmful than an abusive presence, and that this is not your failing or responsibility if he doesn’t want to be a responsible parent. I do understand that especially after emotional abuse it can be too easy to blame ourselves or feel like we are responsible to fix them…. but really it’s not your fault. He is his own responsibility.

    If your worried he would bring your son back or that contact will effect your mental health or he would continue to be emotionally abusive in any way; you have a legal right to refuse contact so that you can protect yourself and your son. you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong in using your legal right.

    he is not the only bloke in the world capable of being a father to your son. literally millions of people you could potentially meet in time, when you are ready & have a wonderful healthy relationship with who could potentially be a wonderful father figure to your son… you son would thank you for giving him a good example more than a bad one who caused so much distress.

    hope this helps, you both deserve better ๐Ÿ™‚

    #58880 Report

    lmk7777
    Participant

    thankyou JBLA your email has brought some comfort to me this morning , i do feel bad about my son not having a farther figure around and i do blame myself even though both councillors that ive had and many other people that ive seeked advice from have also said the same thing , but when my boy asked to see his dad or where is he i get that guilt feeling all over again … i will contact the people you have suggested and go from there i think,ย  thankyou for giving me some hope today

     

    #58881 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    You are most welcome KLM ๐Ÿ™‚ you deserve support to manage this xx

    It’s totally normal to feel bad about anything our kids want and we can’t give them & it can be tough to explain difference to a child, maybe this has more to do with wider pressures in society to… Which are ridiculous when you think about it as families have always come in so many shapes & sizes! I found it helps to say to the kids… There is nothing wrong with our difference, some families have two mums or two dad’s or one parent, some kids grow up with grand parents or aunts & uncles & some kids a fostered or in care, but we can all be happy & nothing wrong with any of us!

    It’s only been a recent idea really & only in some parts of the world that a kid needs this so called 2 parent set up. Humans have never really worked like this & I’m not sure it does! it’s always taken a village so to speak! – if this helps ๐Ÿ™‚

    It can be very ‘normal’ to still have these moments of doubt too, even after counselling – although it’s great you’ve had this too xx – recovery is always ongoing for all of us, no shame in this ๐Ÿ™‚

    You did the right thing reaching out ๐Ÿ’™ – hope the helpline can help ๐Ÿ™‚

    – women’s aid also have a great survivors handbook which can be useful too & survivor forum xx

    I’ve found healing from this stuff is a bit like a sprained ankle, sometimes we need a little extra support when working out for a while after to keep it strong ๐Ÿ™‚

    You sound like a fantastic mum, am sure your boy will grow up feeling this more than anything else ๐Ÿ’™

    #58932 Report

    lmk7777
    Participant

    what a lovely message thankyou so much , its so nice to be able to share on here and get support

    thankyou so much

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)

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