Up shit creek
2 September 2021 at 5:37 pm #58629
I posted a little while ago about the situation I am in with my twins Father (He wants Twin 1 to live with him and change school and Twin 2 to stay with me and remain at the school they currently attend)
Things have got a whole lot worse recently. He has had Twin 1 since 23rd of July and has refused to bring him home. Obviously this is causing me and his brother massive distress. We tried to meet and arrange something mutually but he would not compromise with me because I would not give him what he wants and he is not used to that. A court application has been made.
There was a situation on the last day of term where he stalked me around our town for an hour in attempts to intimidate me because he’d made plans to pick Twin 1 up from school on MY day and I wasn’t included in this decision so I picked the children up early. The whole following debacle scared Twin 2 and he said that he didn’t want to see his Father throughout the summer holidays. Twin 2 is a very anxious child. He has only seen his Father when I have been there for the past 6 weeks.
Fast forward to this Tuesday (31st August) it was the Father’s step son’s birthday – I dropped Twin 2 off at the party destination with the understanding that he would be bought home at ‘around 8’ – Now ‘around 8’ to me is between 7:50 & 8:10.. 8pm came and went, Twin 2 wasn’t home and I’d had no contact from his Father saying that he would be late. I messaged both him and his girlfriend to no avail, phoned him to no avail. Naturally my anxiety was through the roof at this point because I thought he wasn’t going to bring Twin 2 home. At 8:30pm I made my way to the party destination to see if they were still there and bring my child home. As I arrived there I had a phone call from the Father which was Twin 2 asking if he could spend the night at his Father’s. I said no, because he hadn’t communicated with me and it had already taken me all the trust that I had to let him go with his Father today without me being there. A whole situation ensued after that. Father’s girlfriends family were all recording me on their phones, trying to get me removed by security etc. It was not a nice situation at all.
I went outside to speak to the police to see if they could help (they couldn’t) and the party came out and tried to leave with Twin 2 knowing I didn’t want Twin 2 to go with them. I followed them and Twin 2 was being egged on by his Father to swear at me and run away from me. I held the back of Twin 2’s tshirt, and had a LOOSE grip on his arm to get him to come with me. A member of the father’s girlfriend’s family then punched me across the face so I punched her back in self defence. Twin 2 was upset that someone had assaulted his Mum and then decided he wanted to come home with me. As I was walking away with Twin 2 a different member of the girlfriend’s family ran towards me and grabbed my neck calling me a “F*****g evil ****** so I punched her in self defence. She was so intent on hurting me she DROPPED HER CHILD. I then got ushered into a corridor by security to keep me safe as there was more of them than me.
The police were called and I made my statement, they spoke to Twin 2 who said “I really did want to go home with Mum, I was just too scared to upset my Dad”
Now the Father has messaged me asking if he can pick Twin 2 up on Friday. I’ve ignored him because I do not trust him to bring him home, and after the events on Tuesday I am very very anxious about it. I didn’t tell Twin 2 that his Father had messaged me as I knew he would overthink it because he’s a naturally anxious child. My Mum mentioned to Twin 2 that his Father had messaged me now Twin 2 keeps chopping and changing his mind on whether to go or not.
What the hell do I do if he decides he wants to? I’m so torn & emotionally drained. I still don’t have twin 1 back. I’m scared if I give him Twin 2, he’ll keep him until court then I’ve lost both my boys.2 September 2021 at 7:45 pm #58644
Putting the fight aside, the police can investigate and deal with it..
I can only go on my experience on my relationship with my twin brother.<span style=”text-align: right;”>For us to be seperated and to live seperatly would have devestated us. It depends on there age but the court will usually take into Considerstion what the children want and as a twin I can honestly say to live seperatly would have caused us so much pain. </span>
Theres no right and wrong answer to anything at this point but to follow your gut Completly.
Im in the position now we’re my child is with me most of the time and goes to her dad on a set day for days out as he has nowhere for her to sleep and it’s devestating for her to get used to but we have kept her relationships with everyone else in her family the same since the break up, to try and soften the blow.2 September 2021 at 10:08 pm #58646
I think as it stands, and to avoid any more trouble, it is better now to leave things as they are and wait till the court date. can leave it to them to sort this out.4 September 2021 at 4:50 pm #58730
Rights of women will be able to connect you to a family law solicitor trained in dv, who can help you get your son back & assistance with legal aid if needed; Family law – Rights of WomenRights of Women4 September 2021 at 4:53 pm #58732
Hi Ashyrose <3 love the name
So sorry to hear you have experienced this! Sounds like a highly abusive & toxic environment for you & the kids, but well done for sticking up for yourself.
To be honest they all seem a utterly horrid for any of them find it acceptable to separate twins in the first place, let alone all of the abuse & violence they clearly feel is acceptable. I’m not sure anyone could argue this is putting the kids first & seems like they all have power & control issues as their priority.
You don’t owe people like this anything. You & the kids deserve to live free from abuse & violence. It’s a human right!
Although things are getting better, at times the police can fail to recognise abuse, it can also be difficult to have these issues heard in a family court without expert support or solicitors trained in domestic abuse, as family law (child custody disputes) are completely separate from criminal law (abuse/ criminal behaviour); so many lack training or awareness of each other. Although these issues should trigger child protection assessments in the least.
Personally, i think you need to get expert domestic abuse advice & support to have all the tools & information to understand this, overcome the issues they are putting you through & heal. It is possible to escape this. With his harassing/ stalking tactics so far & supply of violent harpies subjecting you to more abuse, it might be worth considering support from accessing a refuge to escape this situation & get all the support you need to get your son back. Often refuges can provide wrap around support with easier access to expert legal support to get your son back, counselling & therapy, accessing financial support, negotiating housing after the refuge & much more. Whatever he tries while you are there would be documented by professionals; which would carry much more weight too. You wont have to contend with his nightmare behaviour alone, it could be the only way to prevent any further abuse in the future too as… it’s very difficult to see how these people would or could change. – this is too much for a family court to fix.
please do reach out to the national domestic abuse helpline, they have an online chat too; Home | Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk)
He & his harpies might be trying to put you up shit creek… but its important to realise you have paddles, this is their shit, it’s not your fault, you don’t deserve it. Your not alone & help is out there.
love & luck to you xx10 September 2021 at 1:25 pm #59027
Hi Ashyrose7, I’m one of the moderators at Gingerbread. Please look out for a direct message from me with some information you may find useful. best regards, Helen