Unwanted gifts

[Alexa83]

Please help!

I have 2 children with my ex husband & we separated Feb 2019 after I found out about his excessive drug use (and tonnes of other stuff). Long story short he was emotionally abusive to our 2 children & me and so I told him contact must be through a professional. He has never bothered at all, not seen the kids since August 2019 and doesn’t ask after them. Despite having my number and living ten minutes away. The kids don’t want to see him or his dad or sister who have also had no contact for this long. They are just seemingly not bothered about them.

 

The weird thing is they send Xmas and birthday presents for the kids! They have just sent them Easter eggs too. This really upsets my little girl (9) who wants nothing to do with them. She cannot comprehend (and neither can I) why they don’t bother with her but send gifts.

 

I need some advice please on what to do.

1. Do I contact and ask for them not to be sent?

2. Do I just get rid of them?

3. Do I continue to give the gifts to the children but don’t say who they’re from so I don’t upset them?

 

Any help would be gratefully received because at the moment my little girl is just getting upset every special occasion….

[Lulublue]

sounds like a very similar background to me. I have had the same thing happen for the last 2 years, but my child is a lot younger now 3 1/2. I used to tell her they were from her nan as she would be the person who passed the gifts on. It used to drive me nuts and I could never understand why she’d get gifts but he’d refuse and attempt to arrange contact with her. I put it down to him easing his guilt.
Now however, it doesn’t bother me and I will say they from your dad, she has a good relationship with his mum and she knows who she is to him.
It’s a really difficult one especially because your daughter is older and remembers the abuse. If it was me I’d speak to the children and ask them their opinion.

sorry not much help. But you’re not alone

[sirtobi]

This is probably the only way to show his children , “I am thinking of you” because all other avenues of keeping in touch with them are either blocked or involve getting in touch with you, which he obviously doesn’t want. Once the children are older and in a position to get in touch with him, he might want to explain himself without going through a filter. He is probably very hurt and just wants them to know, it is not you I am angry about. One day they might understand. So I don’t see it as a bad attitude at all, it is just desperate. He doesn’t seem to know how to handle things different. I hope this helps, and you might want to encourage your children of thinking positive about this particular behaviour, because it might be.

[Coast2Coast]

I agree with sirtobi.   What is dad supposed to do to be involved with children despite being 10 mins away.  Things are very hostile and he probably thinks if he knocked door or rang he will get represented a non molestation order or face being arrested. Not suggesting you will do this , but this is likely his mindset especially when you said he has to go through a professional. He also probably has no idea what to do or how to go about it so has just stuck to sending gifts on special occasions. If you go down legal route it costs thousands unless you are able to do things yourself

[Alexa83]

Thanks all. Things aren’t hostile between us they are just non existent.

By a professional I originally told him it must be a third party who could sueprvise contact (eg contact centre etc) or at the very minimum professional clean drug tests. I’ll just add at the beginning I bought him home tests and asked him to do them before bringing the children to see him and he thought he had it hard then… I did all I could to promote contact but he was vile to me infront of the kids and that was no good for them to see. He was much more interested in me than the children.

 

He seems to be clean now but still no attempt at contact, I know he has had an inheritance recently so money isn’t really the issue here. Well I’m guessing it is because he has better things to spend his money on.

 

I’ve had a good conversation with my little girl this morning and she says she wants the presents but not to know they’ve come from him or his family so I think that’s what I’ll do for now. Not including his mum as she still sees the kids regularly and there is a good relationship there. It is just so tough, what frustrates me is not the gift as such (I don’t see it with any malace it’s obviously a nice thing to do)  it’s the impact it has on my daughters emotional wellbeing. She goes inside herself and gets so upset for nearly a week afterwards.

 

Thanks again all 🙂

[Coast2Coast]

Maybe you could consider speaking to his mum and seeing if he does want to see his daughter and perhaps to start with that his mum supports contact until trust is rebuilt . You could also arrange it so you dont see him either. Just an idea

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