Untrustworthy ex

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  • #16268 Report

    UnicornKim
    Participant

    My ex and I became pregnant within months of meeting. We didn’t ever live together and he’s not on my daughter’s birth certificate.

    He has only seen her once since her birth 4 months ago when he came to the town (100 miles away) where I am living with my family to see her. (He’s Algerian and we suspect on a dodgy visa as it’s a marriage visa from a French girl he married and she’s lived overseas for a couple of years but they aren’t divorced. She’s been asking for a divorce but he claims it takes five years.) When he came here my dad asked him various questions such as has he told his family, he wasn’t planning so as Muslim and he’s obviously not married to me, and he wouldn’t answer any questions about what access he’d like or where he sees things in the future, or even if he plans to stay in the country. He refuses to show anyone his visa. He also lied about his name the first few months and later admitted he’d used someone else’s ID.

    He became very controlling in my pregnancy, trying to tell me to not go out, what to wear etc. Which I ignored entirely! I broke up with him after the birth when he kept trying to take my baby to hold and praying to her in Arabic, knowing I am not Muslim. It was a traumtic birth. He even tried to stop me having an epidural as didn’t want a man touching me. Again, I ignored. My mum was also at the birth thankfully as it was awful him being there.

    I’m worried how he will affect her if he’s in and out of her life, attachment wise and obviously his controling behaviour isn’t acceptable. The thought of him being alone with her ever makes me feel physically sick. I’m worried reading these posts that courts can make you have to give access so not sure what the future holds and it scares me.

    He’s never paid a penny apart from paying for hypnobirthing classes.

    Any advice gratefully received.

    #16270 Report

    Schubert
    Participant

    So he’s not named on the birth certificate? So does he have parental responsibility ? I think the rules are that he needs to be added to the birth certificate . You suspect that he’s here on a dodgy visa, used somebody else’s id, that’s fraud?

    I don’t believe for one minute that he would persue this through the Courts. You could. Is he in this country illegally?

    #16272 Report

    LT87
    Participant

    If he is here illegally on someone else’s visa he would not be persuin it, fact. If it does go through the courts and he states he’s biological father, the courts will have a paternity test. If you both choose through courts to put father on birth certificate then father is liable to help pay towards child. You can’t expect him to pay towards child if he’s not on birth certificate and you’re saying all this about him

    #16273 Report

    UnicornKim
    Participant

    So it’s up to me re access and he can’t push for parental responsibility (which he doesn’t have) if I dont agree? I don’t want his money and he earns a small wage anyway, I mentioned that he hasn’t contributed as often relevant it seens.

    He initially worked using someone else’s ID but his visa is under his name which was extended due to him marrying the French girl. But as she left the country two years ago it must be invalid.

     

    #16274 Report

    Schubert
    Participant

    I think that you need to take advice on this.

    As far as I know, he could apply to the courts but I wouldn’t imagine that he would.

    So he has a spousal visa? That’s why he’s so reluctant to divorce the French lady. When the divorce happens, he will have to either apply for a visa in his own name or leave the country.

    If he wants access to your daughter he can issue a C100 against you. However, if he does that it could open up a can of worms for him as his right to be in the country will be questioned.

    I would take some sort of advice on this. Good luck

    #16287 Report

    UnicornKim
    Participant

    In my mind a baby shouldn’t be told they are anything. She’s an individual and can decide on any religion she wants when she’s older and can make an informed decision. She’s free to be whoever she wants to be, I’m not telling her to belief in anything.

    With the five years do you not need to prove you are still in a relationship with the EU citizen before the next visa is granted? Surely it goes against him she hasn’t lived in this country for over two years? (And she’s been asking for a divorce for months.)

    I’ve spoken to one lawyer and I think mediation is the only way forward as he refuses to answer what access he’d like, how he sees himself in her life in the future and if he even plans to stay in the country. My dad asked about his family and background in Algeria (as obviously part of my daughter’s heritage) and he told my dad that his family is none of our business.

    I really appreciate all the replies everyone. 🙂

    #16299 Report

    Nightrunner
    Participant

    There are some similarities to my issue.  My girls Dad is British born Bengali so he should know the law.  He had told me he was married but said he would divorce.  As soon as I got pregnant certain things and issues started popping up.   His wife could not carry a baby.   But the way he is I should imagine it had caused her stress.  He has tried to control  me. I am Caribbean British.

    For the first few weekends he dropped ne at my parents house.  This became a habit.  Me and the girls stopped at my parents house over night every weekend.  I found out after 4 years by tracking him that he was going back to his house. Where  his wife lives.

    Because he has runin with the social workers i think they will keep an eye out.  However I don’t know if he had children for a specifc reason un beknownst to me.   Its very strange.

    There are cases where muslim couples cannot have children and will use other woman to have children.   So be careful.  I would probably report it too the police.  Thats what I was advised.

    #16301 Report

    UnicornKim
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing .It’s probably a great idea for me to speak to the police, and also someone else said pit a marker on her passport.

    I didn’t know he was married until I was pregnant. I have no idea what’s true and what isn’t either. He point blank refused to answer half my families questions about his family or his intentions with my daughter. He’ll certainly never be left alone with her but she needs to know who he is.

    I didn’t put him on the birth certificate and am not linked to him in anyway but it’s a dark cloud over me having him in the background.

    #16308 Report

    Nightrunner
    Participant

    Definately tell the police.  They may put a marker and alert airports around the country.   Inform social services too and speak to womans aid and Karma Nirvana.    Defo speak to the police just phone 101 and let them know What you know and about how suspicious he is.  They may recommend that you do not even let him in the home.  And you need to follow their advice.  I knew this guy was married but he lied about staying with her.

    Its discusting.  Its common amoungst some muslim men especially here in the UK.

     

    #16313 Report

    Nightrunner
    Participant

    I meant to say he told.me he was married later down the line telling me he and her where separated using his culture as his reason for taking time to file for divorce.

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