unsure what future looks like
30 May 2019 at 11:40 am #25672
Apologies if I’m breaking the rules as I’m not separated. However, over the last few months out 7 year olds behaviour caused us to start family counselling. he has had some issues with his temper and it is in no small part down to my other half’s temper and his own upbringing. we have hit a crossroads where i want different for my children (7 and 4) and have had to threaten to leave the marriage for my husband to take action. he starts anger management next week and our son is doing really well in play therapy. However, while I’m grateful my husband has listened I feel he is doing this for me, rather than because he truelly believes he needs to change. the norms from his own childhood have taught him this is not that bad. it’s not what I want for my children though and our therapist has told me if our son reports anything untoward she will have to refer to social care. what has been going on at home is probably not that bad to some, and I’m sure it goes on in millions of houses up and down the country. I can see the detrimental affect it has on our son and how much worse the years will get if we don’t tackle this now though.
other half knows if there are any further incidents we have to break up (this will be further enforced in my mind by the fact other agencies will get involved, and I can’t let this happen). he is certain he can change, will go etc etc but I see the struggle he has when our son is confrontational. I’m around as much as I can be but sometimes have to work. I plan their time, get others involved as much as possible but other half resents this as he knows I don’t trust him and feels he is doing everything I’ve asked. in my heart I don’t know if he can change, I’ve given him credit for what he’s done so far and things are much better for us as a family but we are on a knife edge.
I saw the therapist alone yesterday and she said I need to me smart and plan for the eventuality that me and the children may end up alone. my husband and I own our 4 bed detached house and he earns double the money I do. I work 3 days a week and earn enough to rent a small 3 bed, and just about cover the bills. we only get the normal child allowance. my mum lives nearby opposite our children’s school and would take the 3 of us for a short time if needed but my dad is set in his ways and would struggle with this for long. I don’t know if my husband would willingly go , if he did it would be nicer for my children to stay in their home but my husband covers the mortgage, with me paying bills, and there’s just no way I could afford it on my own.
the other issue with separating is how could I let him have the children alone…that would just be worse than the situation we are in as the kids have very little alone time with him now. it seems dramatic to call him a danger to them and say he has to be supervised. really though I would want him to see them with me around , or his mum or brother. he would react badly to this and I worry he would go all out to be mean regarding money or start throwing accusations at me.
over the years he has done very well at work, loves his job and works 60 hour weeks. we’ve both been happy with this in honestly as it works…i enjoy being a home maker he loves work and it helps him avoid his short comings as a father with the kids, being around them without having to get too involved. financially we have a good life, as we have got out of the baby stage I’ve felt my life get much easier. I have a cleaner, nice holidays, kids have loads of Days out, all they want. I don’t think I could even afford the therapy my son needs if we broke up.
I love my husband and I don’t feel there’s anything else wrong with our relationship…but my children are everything. I’ve loved being part time and having so much time with my children, I fear working more and penny pinching. and I don’t know how i would afford the childcare, my mum’s at the limit of what she wants to do to help. I’ve tried talking to her and she part sympathized, but part thought I shouldn’t over react. my own dad would grab and smack me on occasion and often has a temper so it’s the norm for her too to an extent.
I did the benefits calculator and it said I would get 270 a month loving in this house (without child support) the truth is though I’ve never got very involved about the mortgage etc and feel powerless as don’t properly understand it.
I just wondered if any single mum’s or dad’s have advice on how to get prepared should the worst need to happen.30 May 2019 at 2:50 pm #25696
Thanks for posting on the forum and sharing your story, parents who are thinking about separation do use the forum so I hope you can get support from others on here.
You may want to look at some of our website content on making arrangements for child contact – lots of helpful advice on there. It also includes some information on if you have concerns about your child having unsupervised contact with their other parent.
If you want to find out more about what benefits and other financial entitlements you could call Gingerbread’s single parent helpline on 0808 802 0925. It’s free to call and lines are open 10am-4pm Tues, Thurs, Friday and 10am-6pm Mondays, 10-1pm and 5-7pm Weds. Although expect to wait to get through as lines are busy.
Rose30 May 2019 at 3:51 pm #25702
thanks Rose I will give them a call. I’ve read so many posts from amazing brave single mum’s and dad’s. I worry I won’t be nearly so courageous 🙄 this us such a fantastic website and an amazing support so thank you x