Unsure of how to manage a break up for the best of everyone
9 February 2019 at 5:29 pm #20851
Hi, my husband and I are separated now, he walked out on me and the kids. Last 5 years have been horrible anyway and not first time he’s walked out or cheated. I decided not to take him back this time tho. I’ve struggled with him for a long time but was scared of not doing the best thing by the kids and also he made me believe I couldn’t cope on my own and that I wouldn’t meet anyone who would wanna be with me with the kids. Stupidly I believed this for years. I do feel selfish now coz the break up was the best thing for me but I am still scared of how it’s affecting the kids.
I want things to be nice between us so we can manage things involving the kids and the divorce respectfully but it feels like he’s trying to hurt me as much as possible. And when I ask him if we can be respectful he just says that this is what break ups are like! I’m sure it doesn’t have to be tho.
Were communicating through solicitors at the min which isn’t ideal as it feels more like what the solicitors think is best is what’s happening rather than what we think is best. I have been advised to start the divorce to get the financial stuff sorted as this is really stressing me out as I don’t know what he is wanting so is he going to try and get money out of the house meaning that I will need to sell it. (In my name and was mine before we were married but we lived in it together so he has right to claim if he wants to)
i want to talk to him about this before he receives the divorce papers as I’m not wanting to hurt him but he’s so horrible when we do have contact that I’m unsure of how that conversation would go either!
I have also started seeing someone who I do see a future with. I’m in no rush but know I would like to introduce him to the kids at some point in the future. I know he’s been seeing a friend of mine since we separated (he denies it obviously but I don’t have contact with her anymore anyway) and that he sees her with the kids (they have told me) they have been a bit confused by this because they’re seeing her with daddy rather than mummy. I don’t wanna confuse them anymore so I’m really put off doing anything myself. I was thinking again that a conversation with my ex would be nice and respectful. I would like us to agree on how situations with new partners and the kids should be handled to make it easier for the kids. I’d rather him find out from me that I’m seeing someone rather than through the kids to minimise hurt and a bad reaction from him in front of the kids. And i would like the same respect in return although I know this is doubtful.
Am I living in a dream world?? I guess what I’m trying to figure out in my head is – Should I speak to him and do it the way I see being respectful or do I just let him receive the divorce papers? And I can put off introducing someone new to the kids but eventually I worry I will have to or it may ruin things between us and same problem would just likely arise again in the future with someone else. I don’t see it going down well with my ex either way but just wanna do the best I can.
How has everyone else handled these situations? Thanks! X9 February 2019 at 7:59 pm #20857
I haven’t been in this situation but my friend has had a similar one.
Obviously I don’t know him but it sounds a bit like he’s game playing/purposefully making things difficult.
I would suggest the main thing is getting legal advice and following everything to the letter so he can’t manipulate things-protect yourself and the kids first and foremost.
Having said that be true to yourself even if he’s going to be childish and go behind your back if you feel better being honest and upfront do it, you’ll know you’ve tried to do the right thing even if it falls on deaf ears.
I don’t know how old your kids are but if they’re a bit older you can speak to them and see how they are feeling about things this might help you with decisions going forward.
Good luck, think you’ll have some tough times ahead but you sound strong and determined I’m sure you’ll be fine 🙂