Unsure how to handle situation
23 October 2019 at 11:26 pm #31941
I have 2 children and split up form ex over 2 years now, he was verbally abusive and an alcoholic. He denies all of this however and made it very difficult for me by refusing to leave the family home. Also forced me to take legal action Over jointly owned home.
in the beginning I tried to keep contact going, but he was unreliable and refused to tell me where he lived so I didn’t let him take children off by himself. Things deteriorated when he would be drunk and crying of FaceTime and smelling of alcohol. I stopped contact. He finally took me to court. We have sold family home and moved away. Court proceedings took a year and I proved he was drinking heavily still and at final hearing he dropped case. He had declined contact centre option also. More or less straight after final hearing he is back threatening me with court again, and begging for face time with children.
I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do?!children are very young24 October 2019 at 6:42 am #31943
It’s horrendously difficult. My ex is an alcoholic although not as bad as yours. Well done for getting this far.
One thing that helped with my ex was offering FaceTime at 11.30 on Sunday mornings. – time to sober up from previous night & shower, but not start drinking that day. Otherwise don’t waver. It is best for your kids but horribly stressful. I hope it gets easier26 October 2019 at 6:40 am #32020
In your situation I would be communicating with the ex via email only. They tend to be more careful of what they say in emails rather than over the phone in case he does drag you to court, you then have evidence of how you have tried to maintain contact between him and the children. but it is not your job to maintain contact between him and his children, it is his job. The idea of a Sunday morning is a really good idea but as your children are very young they will be limited as to how long they want to talk with him on face time just because they are young children but that’s not your job to make it work, it’s up to your ex so don’t stress about it if he does threaten you with court. Let him take you to court, it really doesn’t matter as the courts are not going to force your children to be in the unsupervised care of a drunk man. All you need to do is be confident that you have done your best. xx26 October 2019 at 6:46 am #32021
Thanks for your reply, I am not sure what he will say in FaceTime so am wary of him making promises I won’t allow. I feel very mean being the one who is ‘stopping him have contact, but he has been given many opportunities to see them, but as he says he won’t jump through hoops!26 October 2019 at 6:57 am #32022
Thanks for your reply, yes I absolutely keep to email contact, unfortunately he managed to get a what’s app message through!
The problem is he just asks to talk to children, cafcass recommendation was contact centre or email correspondence which I agreed with. He did not, if I let him see speak to children it negates everything court was about! The kids haven’t seen him in over a year so would need reintroducing.
the other problem is he’s a narcissist and it’s mainly about him! He never asks me how the children are or what they are doing. My son misses him and I don’t know what to tell him other than daddy loves you but can’t see you at the moment. My daughter barely knows him she was one when we left and he never really spent any time with her!26 October 2019 at 7:59 am #32025
You are not stopping contact, you are ensuring that your children are safe. He is the one that refuses the contact offered and that’s up to him, nothing more you can do to fix that.
Love is such an easy word to say but it is just an empty word without actions to back it up.
If the courts have not ordered face time contact tell him no when he asks for it if you are not happy with it. If he wants to take you back to court take it in your stride and don’t worry as you will have done everything you can do in the best interest of your children, that’s all the courts want to see.
In my experience text messages and whatsap type messages are not brought to court, you may be best just deleting it and get on with your life as best as you can and put ex on the backburner in your mind til he starts behaving like he has the children’s best interest at heart.31 October 2019 at 10:39 am #32260
Thankyou Kath, it’s helpful to hear that! I expect it will be difficult to explain to the children as they get older, but I will be as honest as possible without badmouthing him!! And not worry too much about it at present.31 October 2019 at 9:44 pm #32282
You’re welcome chick
As hard as it was when my son was younger and he used to ask me why his dad never came to see him the most honest answer I could give him was ‘I don’t know why’ Of course it was left up to me to pick up the pieces of his broken heart. It’s a tough job being a single parent with no other parent involvement I’m afraid xx31 October 2019 at 9:54 pm #32283
ive read your messages, the support your showing one another is great.
min 38 years Old
I have a 21 year old and a 14 year old whom I’ve raised alone…. however I find myself 15 weeks pregnant, and the relationship I had has fallen apart due to his issues with alcohol.. I’m scared, I’m not sure I can do this again at my age!
x31 October 2019 at 10:38 pm #32284
Hi, I have just come out of an abusive relationship of 25 years due to alcohol..my children are older, so they understand. But my youngest is 11 and he is finding it hard to handle the separation. I’ve always tried to protect my kids,but a situation happened last year and I knew I had to leave. It’s been horrendous ever since. He won’t support me financially, as I left him, and The amount of abusive phone calls, messages when he’s drunk is unbelievable. It’s so sad to hear other people are going through the same thing as myself, and it’s the kids who also have a hard time dealing with it. I really hope it works out for you all, as we’re the ones who have to pick up the pieces xxx1 November 2019 at 10:27 pm #32337
Yes defo we are left to pick up the pieces and explain everything!!!
i only hope my children don’t blame me in the future as their dad wants to see them, but I am stopping him (for their protection) , but if he really wanted to he would’ve accepted the contact centre option he was given!!!
im very lucky I gave excellent support from my family.1 November 2019 at 10:33 pm #32338
Hi, you will find the strength to do it! I was left to fend for 2 under 3’s alone and multiple court cases and working. It was the stressful 2 years of my life, but am coming out the other side now. The only thing that mattered was that the children had a safe home and hope for the future and I fought for that! He didn’t like it however and is still trying to bring me down, but I won’t let him.
it is so hard, I always doubt what I’m doing is the right thing, but supportive words (in here) from people in similar situations is so helpful.