Two teenage boys, Dad doesn't see them

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  • #7844 Report

    Bo
    Participant

    Hi…I don’t think this can be solved but here goes.  I separated from my partner of over 25 years, we never married but I’m allowed to keep our joint home for the time being.  He pays maintenance to the penny which I appreciate.  The future once the youngest turns 18 is very uncertain but hopefully I’ll be able to support the kids somehow.

    When we split my ex partner told me that the kids, then aged 16 and 13, would be better off with his new partner and her two boys because I was ‘too irresponsible’ to care for them.  However, he had them one, maybe two weekends before he stopped having them over.  My youngest was blamed for what was most likely attention seeking behaviour that angered his new partner and has still not been fully discussed with me.  Since then he has bought a house with his new family unit and contact with our boys has been scarce, down to two hours so far this year and barely any phone calls/messaging.

    Apart from the constant stress of sole responsibility I’m okay with this.  We are warm, fed and have a good relationship between the three of us. I’ve stopped trying to suggest times for them to meet and finally made it clear to the kids that he’s just not going to see them and it’s not their fault.  It’s surprising and difficult for us to understand considering that he worked from home so the kids were a big part of his life. The kids have little male influence in their lives now (I’m led to believe that this is important particularly for boys?) and clearly miss him.  I’m not sure the gap can be bridged now – should I try at all or just try to carry on filling it myself (along with the obvious time/work/money problems?).

    I don’t think there’s anything I can do but I wanted to ask for other people’s opinions in case I’ve missed something!  Thanks for reading.

    #7847 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    Hi Bo

    Im a firm believer of ‘you get out what you put in with kids’, none of my 3 children currently see their father (same dad) unfortunately, not through mine or the children’s fault, but his own. My eldest has been let down so many times, he refuses to talk/see his dad. The younger 2 are still encouraged when dad makes himself available, I imagine that they’ll eventually learn the same lesson as the eldest and may respond in the same way. I just pick up the pieces. I did wake one morning though upset, wondering who i would delegate the responsibility of showing my eldest how to shave, such a privilege I felt. I spoke with my son about my worry and he said ‘I’ll ask my uncle, anyway mum, my moustache is not as big as yours’ 😱 Kids…I wouldn’t miss a moment! (Just for the record, I don’t have a moustache!)

    #7868 Report

    Bo
    Participant

    Hi DMP

    Ah, I’ve done all the awkward talks, shaving and suchlike – they don’t have any uncles unfortunately but I do have male friends I can check the really awkward stuff with.

    Thanks for replying 🙂  We have fun too. There’s currently loads of homecooked snacks in the fridge so I showed my sons as I felt all proud and the eldest said ‘well done, it’s only taken you until now’ and was gently slapped down the hallway!

    Yeah, it’s just my sadness for the loss they must feel really.  I tried to encourage both parties to keep in touch at first but after just a two hour outing this year it’s perhaps time I stopped.

    #7874 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    All I see is how settled and content the kids are until they return from the occasional visit with their dad, it takes a day or 2 for them to settle down again. He’s not liking the fact I came off Facebook 6 months ago and he no longer knows my every move! I think the kids get interrogated.

    I’m impressed you’ve managed to stock your fridge with homemade goodies! I can imagine when you look in there tomorrow afternoon it’ll be resembling mother Hubbards cupboard again 😂

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