Trying to stay positive about the future

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  • #45189 Report

    Julie123
    Participant

    Hi, everyone. I am new to this. I am an older single parent, with an 15 and 19yr old. My marriage of 25yrs came to an end at the beginning of this year, when we found out that he was having another affair. I have been so busy trying to make sure that the girls were OK and sorting finances out, that I haven’t really thought about what I want. I have always put everybody else first, and now is the time to, that I feel I need to. I am hoping that I can meet new friends, and start to get a social life!! I moved up to Merseyside, from London with my husband along time ago, so I only have my mum, the rest of my family are in London, it can be very isolating. I find the days aren’t too bad, but it’s when I am on my own in the evenings that I feel lonely. Its so strange still thinking of myself as single, having been married for so long. Is anyone else out there feeling the same?

    #45205 Report

    lovemyteenagers@49
    Participant

    Hi Julie

    I’m also new to being a single parent.  I’ve just had the most awful half time it was so hard not being with my children full time.  I live in London & left my husband & the family home 3 weeks ago & I’m really struggling with not waking up with my kids.  I did want out of the marriage as I’ve been unhappy for so long & in the end felt it wasn’t fair for the kids to keep living in the toxic atmosphere between my husband & me but that meant I had to leave because he wasn’t prepared to go.  I’ve been a Mum for 14 years & all of a sudden I’m supposed to be ok about not waking up with my children.  I’ve rented a flat nearby & keep asking them to come over but at the same time trying not to pressure them into feeling like they should see me all the time because I miss them.  Sorry if I’m rambling I just wanted to reach out to you.   It’s such a big adjustment to life I’m the same as you all I know is being a mum & its so hard to move forward I don’t know which way to turn.

    #45240 Report

    Julie123
    Participant

    Hi, thank you for replying, it’s nice to know that you are not on your own. Sometimes it seems like the world is against you. I can sympathise with with you, this was my second marriage, my first was very much like yours. My first husband was very controlling, I felt very unhappy and isolated. He wouldn’t leave the family home, as he was self-employed, he was always around, so it was impossible for me to take the kids with me. I went to stay with my parents, it was so hard not being a full time mum, I couldn’t get used to not having the noise!! I was mentally unable to fight for them, which he took for granted. Don’t make the same mistake as I did. Fight for them with all your might, make sure you have your day in court, and try to stay strong, no matter what he does. How many children have you got? Are they old enough to say that they want to be with you, that can help, mine were too young. I come from Battersea, where are you?

    #45284 Report

    Julie123
    Participant

    Hi, Broken 123, I think the ages that your boys are at, the court might take into account what their wishes are. Have you thought about seeing a solicitor? With my first husband, we divorced because of unreasonable behaviour on his account (and abuse on his side) the court didn’t know about this, as I was ashamed, that I had put up with it and I didn’t want to be defined as a ‘victim’. Looking back this was a mistake that I later regretted. The court ruled in his favour. I later tried to get shared custody, as I felt stronger (after having a breakdown). The boys were 12 and 14 at the time, the court had to speak to them, they were classed as being old enough to decide for themselves unfortunately they had been brainwashed and didn’t want anything to do with me. It might have changed, I am going back 26yrs!! How do the feel about what has happened? If you get a solicitor, they will take in your concerns about the boys, they will probably agree with you that it is to early to involve a 3rd party. For your own peace of mind, you need to protect your family, and find out where you stand, with possible arrangements with the boys and financially. You need to try and get some of the control back, then it might help to give you focus. I have been lucky, that my parents have always been my rocks, my anchor in life. The only ones that I have been able to depend on. I would have never got this far in life without them, my father has passed now sadly, 10yrs ago, I am glad that he didn’t see this one coming!! Have you got anyone /family? That can try and keep you up and support you.?

    #45299 Report

    Renata L
    Participant

    Now is not the easiest time, but we try to not lose optimism. We moved in with our parents from the beginning of quarantine to be closer. I have two sons, and we are all worried about each other. My children feel when we are nervous, so I try to stay strong for them. I am sure that everything will be fine soon.

    #45313 Report

    Councilpopmom
    Participant

    I’ve been there my children never left my side ever until the day that me and there dad split up and to then have to share and be without them was absolutely awful I missed them like crazy and I hated the time by myself over thinking …I can say it does get a little easier you will always miss them when they are not with u but their little faces will light up when they return and see u ..u can have your time to do the bits and Bob’s u need to or get out and find yourself again…. your kids are yours no one can take that from u…. my children struggled at first but they soon might warm up to the thought of two Christmasis or birthdays lol

    Always here if u need a chat on the lonely times

     

    Take care xx

    #45315 Report

    Julie123
    Participant

    Hi, Renata L, I think if you’re struggling with anything that’s going on in your life, this situation with Covid just seems to highlighted it. If you don’t keep busy inside the house, your mind just goes, where you don’t want it to go.!! Personally, it hasn’t helped me, I felt that I had wasted 25yrs on him, only the children being the positive, I wanted to get out and try and rediscover who I was, and what it was that I wanted. I felt very guilty having this feeling, I felt as if I was being selfish. But I have to try and keep faith that things will get better.

    #45317 Report

    Julie123
    Participant

    Hi, councilpopmom,

    The children are so important,what ever time you have with them.They keep you going,however  dark the day is, you know that you have to keep moving forward. It’s surprising  how resilient they can be.

    #45483 Report

    D0na
    Participant

    I’m in the same boat here. Just separated from my husband of 25 years after his drinking and an emotional affair.  We have a 21 year old son at uni. We rent our house in Sussex which I’m unsure if I can afford to keep. I’m totally scared of what the future holds but has to better than the alternative which is staying with my husband. He’s not wanting to separate and begging to come back  but I have too much respect for myself then to have him in my life. Hopefully my new life will be better than the one I have now

    #45489 Report

    Julie123
    Participant

    Hi D0na, I feel the same, you feel like your just on the scrap heap! It’s very scary being single again after so long. I have always had the fear of getting old, and the situation just seems to have highlightened it. This is my second marriage that has failed, so it doesn’t really do much for my confidence. Like you say, we have to try and have faith for the future, just because we haven’t picked well in the past, doesn’t mean we don’t have a good future. We have to be determined to make one.

    #45490 Report

    Shepherdess
    Participant

    Hi

    same boat 2a years married and 27 years together I find myself lonely with 3 teenagers who spend the majority of their time in the room . Also battling covid restrictions as eldest daughter keeps going off out . They see their dad once a week and he is now the nice guy who tells them what they want to hear and thinks we should all carry on regardless of covid restrictions and the law . He cheated on me and I now feel as though he is the good guy no shouting like he did when he was here , no stress all nice and telling them what they want to hear!! It’s horrid happy to chat and all support each other x

    #45494 Report

    sarah83
    Participant

    Hi

    I my husband left me at Xmas for a younger woman after 17 years of marriage and is now living a millionaire lifestyle with her. I struggled at first with my teenagers attitudes as some days I just needed time to myself and to be honest at the beginning I had abit of a nervous break down. My children seem to be horrible towards me or seem to play up more. The worse thing is I work with teenagers and doing a degree in youth and know they going through it to but it’s so hard to pull yourself together at the time to help them too.  Then when my 2 younger children went to their dads his new GF is like a child and plays computer games all day with them and has all the latest make up and nail stuff. Their dad also says some horrible stuff about me  and they come back and had a bad attitude to me. This really upset me and then I try and hide it from them as I know it’s my issue. I struggle with them going so much as I have to work full time, study and hold the house together and his GF does not work as she lives of him so has all the time in the world. They haven’t seen them for 4 months cos he works away and they been on holidays on the time he was home and I have got my children back in a good place but he is due back next month and I know this will all start again.
    I feel guilty how I feel as I know they need time with their dad but it breaks my heart too.

    #45626 Report

    Julie123
    Participant

    Hi, Shepherdess, I know, it’s very lonely, my girls spend a lot of time in their rooms. I feel quite vanerable being single again. They seem to move on very quickly, as if your time together didn’t count.

    Hi, Sarah 83,i had a bit of a breakdown, like you. I think they have the easy way out, they only have themselves to sort out. We are left to try and hold everything for the kids. I have found it very hard to try and stay strong. It doesn’t take a lot for me to worry about the future. When a girlfriend is involved, it’s very hurtful, my got with someone new, soon after he left. All you can do, is accept it, have faith that your children love you, that this other woman can’t replace you, you are their mother and they can’t take that away. Stay strong, don’t let this bring you down.

Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)

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