Trigger Warning – Rapist
26 July 2020 at 12:49 pm #42531
New to the forum and feeling very alone right now. Just wanted to be able to speak these thoughts and feelings in a safe space.
Bit of background – I met my ex at college in 2005 (both 17 years old), was in a five year relationship with him resulting in 2 sons and ending in a 5 month long marriage which ended when I found out he was cheating on me.
We have tried for the last 10 years to co-parent in a civil manner, he has the boys 3 weekends in every month and for weeks at a time during holidays. We split birthdays and Christmas’s half and half and have maintained a level of communication regarding arrangements for these things but nothing else.
Here’s the kicker… the secret that I have kept from all but a few people very close to me. Early on in our relationship, my now ex-husband raped me. I was unconscious and in no position to consent to sexual intercourse. He had sex with me anyway and when I woke up, panicked and ran from the house barefoot and crying he chased after me to bring me back to the house. We never spoke of this moment again, and at the time (as a very drunk, confused 17 year old) I did not think too much of it.
I am now 31 and I have started to increasingly struggle with living with this experience. Every week having to wave my children off in a car with a man who attacked me tightens my chest like you wouldn’t believe, the knowledge that one day I will have to share my children’s graduations and weddings and other life events with a man who raped me is unbelievably hard to fathom. I haven’t ever wanted to reveal this to my children, it’s not their burden to carry, they are still only 10 and 12 years old, and his actions towards me should not affect them. But how do I keep on communicating with this man without ever being able to acknowledge the hurt and pain he has caused me? How do I send off my pre-teen sons to the house of a man who behaved in that manner towards a girl. I want to raise them to be kind and forward thinking young men, how do I relinquish them every weekend to a man who is capable of that?
I am really struggling with this. I need to know if anyone has any advice. I have avoided this topic for so long not wanting to rock the boat or negatively affect my children’s lives in any way but I am becoming increasingly concerned that my silence on the subject is worse. Is there a way for me to work through this pain without hurting them in the process?
sorry for the long post. I am on my own currently as they are with him. My mind is racing and I needed to get these words out of me head.26 July 2020 at 8:30 pm #42539
I am so sorry that you had to go through this, and that it continues to be in your life. I am afraid I have no useful advice….but I couldn’t just run without saying anything.
I cannot begin to understand what you have been through….is some form of counselling an option for you? To perhaps help you work through the feelings that you have every time the boys go to him?
Take care of you xxxxx28 July 2020 at 5:46 pm #42586
I’m so sorry this happened to you and continues to affect your life.
Rape Crisis is a free confidential service for survivors and victims of sexual violence which can give specialist support to help you think through your options and next steps. You can find more information about the face-to-face, telephone, and online support they offer on their website: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/
Very best wishes,