26 December 2019 at 10:25 pm #34472
My eldest child has developed some kind of anxiety which she attributes to me staying in an emotionally abusive relationship. Rather than address her possible anxiety, professionals are suggesting I do parenting courses etc to understand her behaviour, which I have been. I am doing everything I can to make it better for her but at same time I’m having to walk on egg shells so that she doesn’t have a panic attack. She is refusing to stay at her nans if her cousins are there, I only go out once a month but this isn’t possible if she doesn’t agree to childcare arrangements. She is 15 and has anxiety about being home alone. I dont mind staying in but I’m a student so sometimes I dont have adult interaction for 4-6 weeks other than on texts, then my daughter gets upset about me being on my phone. I have two other children and I feel like we are all watching what we say in case we upset my daughter. She is lovely but clearly my past relationship has effected her but I can’t seem to get anyone to support me in helping her, I am trying but some of her triggers are beyond my control. Any advice for how I can help my daughter, deal with emotionally abusive ex and split myself between 3 children?26 December 2019 at 11:59 pm #34476
I am listening to her but she needs help beyond what I can give her. I have 3 children, not just her and her anxiety is dictating how we live. I can’t cut contact with my ex we have a son but I have very little contact.
I’m not ditching my studies as I’m 4 months off graduating after almost 4 years of studying, plus this is almost my only form of adult interaction. I get what you are saying but I listen to her but the issues she has are deeper rooted than what I can help with (I didn’t go into detail as my post was long enough).
With respect, I asked how I can share myself between my 3 children whilst not just being a mom and you have basically told me to isolate myself and my other two even further to help her when I am saying I can’t physically or emotionally do anything else for her.
😥27 December 2019 at 7:50 am #34482
Hey hun – can you go back to your Health visitor and insist on a referral for therapy or psychologist ? (For your daughter). I think they cover up to 16 years old now. You have to be firm and tell them this is what is now needed.
or try the same but at the doctors…. don’t struggle alone when professional help could be needed.
As to the rest – you can’t give up your studies or yourself – this will only make you more unhappy and an unhappy parent spills over to your children so you shouldn’t feel guilty about this
xxxxx27 December 2019 at 10:00 am #34483
Hi, can I ask, your daughter is 15 now but how old was she when you were in an abusive relationship?
My grown up son suffered due to me being in a violent relationship when he was 6 years old, when he was 15 he still struggled with the past but in a different way to when he was say 9/10 and in a different way to his age now which is 20!
Children remember childhood trauma in different ways as they get older and see things through older eyes. xx27 December 2019 at 3:30 pm #34490
Thank you. I have been out of the relationship for 5 years but he has continued to control me. I know this has affected my children, although at the time I was in the relationship, I didn’t realise the control was taking place (or I maybe didn’t want to believe it). My daughter seems to have some underlying sensory issues which trigger her anxiety and as such, she is actually quite controlling. I don’t have an any visitors to the house, I can’t speak on the phone at night and I constantly have to tell my boys to be quiet. I feel sorry for her because it has only just come to light that she is struggling and all of the professionals say she might have ASD or anxiety but the doctor ignored her and just kept asking if it was because I dont spend enough time with her. She has even said to me that he ignored her when she was saying she doesn’t like loud noises and he twisted it and told me all that I do is shout. He told me it was my fault for not listening to her and leaving my ex but I already live with that guilt and I’m trying to get as much help as I can to be a better parent but I feel that asking young boys to be quiet all the time is unreasonable and is affecting them.
I dont want to appear selfish but I have worked hard to get as far as I have with my studies so I cant give that up. I have spoken to school but my daughter denies theres an issue there because she doesn’t want them to label her or treat her differently. The doctors referral to CAMHS focused on my downfalls and not the underlying issues she was trying to tell him about.
She has agreed to see another doctor but I suppose last night I was just looking to vent. The burden of bringing that man into their life is already weighing very heavy and I have very little adult interaction as I am focussed on my children but at the same time I’m trying to overcome being controlled by my ex and now it feels like my daughter is controlling me (although I understand her reasons for doing so are different).
Thank you for the advice everyone.27 December 2019 at 6:05 pm #34494
New to the group. But wanted to comment and see how you are? Tough time of year to be going through all of this. It seems he is wanting all blame for the relationship on you I.e him twisting your comments and much more. Do your 2 younger children have an outlet? Rugby, acting, karate? Anything like that they can focus on for a little time each week. If not, then it’s just a thought. Your 15 year old daughter… you talk about triggers? Have these been investigated so people can help you to prevent such triggers if she’s suffering such anxiety? Also, is there any possibility of contacting a group who work with teenagers using therapy dogs for anxiety? Look, you’re an amazing mum! Totally kicking ass! 3 kids, one seriously struggling and you’re a few months from finishing a degree! That’s bad ass in anyones book! Dont give up! You can do this. Being tired and drained from study wont be helping but you’re nearly there. Are there any groups you and your daughter can join together that focus on past abusive relationships and anxiety? X27 December 2019 at 6:34 pm #34498
My name is Sandra, I’m one of the moderators. I’m sorry you have been having a tough time. I’m wondering if you have come across YoungMinds? They help parents with children who are experiencing mental health problems, you can take a look at their website https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/
or also call their parents helpline on 0808 802 5544 – they are the experts in this, and are so supportive and understanding
Sandra27 December 2019 at 7:00 pm #34499
I would also look at your child’s diet and maybe include omega 3 oil fish supplements like an oil you can slip into;their food and drink . There is a good one from Holland and Barrett that I also take with my daughter. It’s known as brain food and we are Both much more calmer since knocking it back. It’s called equazen and there is a citrus one I put in put in our orange juice and it was recommended to me.
Obviously it’s not a cure for mental health illness and I’m so sorry for you all. I went back to studying and despite all the difficulties it was the best thing and am so proud to have a lovely job so is my friend who has 4 kids and is now a social worker . You will get there and your daughter will start to feel better. Ignore what people comment on here as they are not in your shoes. Good luck .27 December 2019 at 7:19 pm #34500
Thank you for your comments. I am waiting to enrol on a course with womans aid to work on my own esteem and anxiety in the hope that I can be more support for my daughter. We have made a list of her triggers and I have done things like brought her a set of plates and towels that only she uses and she doesn’t like the thought of someone else using them, even if it’s been washed and I dont have people around etc as she doesn’t like the noise but obviously it’s just hard as sometimes I just tell her I’m not going to stop my sons from being children then she takes it the wrong way, like I am choosing their happiness over hers. It doesn’t help that I contacted childrens services for help and they accidentally rang my ex so he thinks someone has referred me to social services and is revelling in it.
I guess it will all work out, I will look into the suggestions that you have all made.
I want to continue with my studies so that my daughter can see that this situation doesn’t define us or stop us from moving on and I hope that it has a positive effect on her. In the meantime I will attend all the parenting courses I need to and I will get her back to another doctor who might listen to her this time.
Thank you all for the support and advice.27 December 2019 at 7:23 pm #34501
And sorry yes, I take my boys to football so they have time out and I have a schedule so that they each get one on one time with me so they do not feel left out. I just sometimes want a night off and then my daughters struggles means I have to stay in, which I don’t resent but it gets lonely, which I sure you all understand. Thank you again27 December 2019 at 10:53 pm #34506
So new to this forum but have some experience professionally in this area. Womens aid in our area can offer counselling to children of victims, also some schools can access counselling, I know my daughter also age 15 has had some twice, once following death if my dad and again following our separation due to the negative effects his behaviour had on her. Also contact school nurse who will have experience and know your local support network, CAMHS often have lower level support available (often outsourced) again school nurses will know. Stay strong27 December 2019 at 11:35 pm #34508
Thank you. We are trying to get her to speak to the school nurse but it’s hard to get her to engage as she is worried that people will label her and she be made fun of. I will keep trying, atm I just let her have her outburst and I cuddle her and tell her it will be ok but sometimes its hard to tell if she is anxious or just being a teenager. I am trying to give her boundaries but when I am trying to be firm she takes this as me just telling her off and not the boys. It’s very complex as there’s lots of little issues but I will keep persevering. Thank you28 December 2019 at 10:57 am #34522
Hi thank you yes, I have spoken to my tutor about mitigating circumstances. My focus on my degree keeps me going so I don’t want that to be the sacrifice I make. I need school or a GP to see beyond the surface of what she is saying and recognise there is an underlying issue that she needs support with. I’ll keep trying with them.