Torn/ grey area

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  • #29872 Report

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    so long story short (as possible) ex split with me in June has only been in the kids lives every other weekend for around 3 years and even the interaction etc was limited with me doing most things. They have an older sibling that through past circumstances they have only seen a handful of times in the last 3 years (their dads kept him away) . Ex now wants all kids every other weekend. I understand this is his right and legally I can do nothing about this. However he’s spent a total of 5 weekends with the kids and already thinks it’s time to reintroduce them. Our kids however are saying already that they want time with their dad alone ( he’s had a friend and her kids their each time so far) they’re also naturally  effected due to the split and have shown signs of anxiety. I feel he has convinced them they want this even though to me they’re saying something different to me. I have tried to express their concerns at their request but I have been ignored. Essentially he does not believe me and does not want me to have a say. The children have said nothing to him and when asked said they had not said what they had to me, putting me in a difficult situation as obviously I was their voice. Although they are still young quite young I believe when they are saying things unprompted this shouldn’t be ignored. I have on going concerns about his ability to cope and have yet to see him manage them on his own let alone adding a 3rd. My issue is I feel it’s to soon to be taking the steps he seems to be and I don’t quite know what I should do, if anything. He basically says he knows his rights and I can’t help but feel he’s not considering the children’s needs. Hopefully I explained this ok I obviously want things done the right way for the children as I’m aware if it’s not then it could effect things for them. Any advise would be appreciated as I’m so torn what to do

    #29873 Report

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    Participant

    Just to add he has not discussed or informed me of any of his plans this has come through 1 of my children and I’m not sure how to handle this. As we don’t have an agreement as he left mediation threatening court as I wasn’t able to agree to exactly his terms but was willing to discuss and compromise and work out what is best for them (not him or me)

    #29885 Report

    Lorraine123
    Participant

    This is such a difficult one. Yes he does have rights but it doesn’t sound like he’s putting the children first. It’s a confusing time for them and I think parents need to be careful about introducing new people into their lives. I asked my ex if I could be introduced to his new partner before him introducing the children as it’s important to me to know who is going to be part of bringing up my children. I was told no and I have had to go along with allowing my children to spend time with a woman I’ve never met. My children are teens and I think I may have insisted on meeting her if they were younger. I’m sorry I don’t really have any advice as such but just wanted to say I understand how difficult this is. I think you’re right to be concerned but I’m not sure you can really do anything about it. Could you explain to him the way your feeling and tell him you just want what’s best for them? I hope you can work things out so that everyone is happy with the arrangements.

    #29887 Report

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    Participant

    Thankyou for your reply. It’s nice to know I’m not just being over protective. There has been a lot going on and I really feel he’s rushing things as it’s what he wants. I raised the issues at the first mediation session and suggested reducing the time they’re with him, just pulling back for a few times while they’re still adjusting but unfortunately he refused to take these points on board and instead said no he wasn’t doing this. And has since said I have no right to have a say. Which isn’t strictly true as I know that legally if I feel it’s not best for the children at this stage I can stop contact if I don’t agree but I really don’t want to do that to the children. And I think it’s counter productive, unfortunately unless he’s willing to come to an agreement I feel my hands are tied. I appreciate knowing that What I’m concerned about isn’t ott though it’s a crucial time for them I feel as they are so young and don’t really understand that if it’s handled badly they will be the ones who suffer for it.

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