Too many times let down
12 June 2020 at 2:48 pm #40907
I’m unsure how to handle the current situation with my daughters (9) dad. We aren’t together and haven’t been since she was a very young baby. Over the years I have tried all sorts of ways to ensure that she has a good relationship with him which he hasn’t taken up. Six years ago he met his current fiance and they have just had their first child together. I have never had or shown any resentment towards her as I don’t know her and I haven’t had feelings for my daughters dad since even before she was born. My daughter being his priority has lessened over the last 6 years. I could write out countless things he has done that have left my daughter feeling let down, but I’ll just give some examples to paint a picture.
– He has only attended one of her birthday parties. He has been invited to all and his work doesn’t get in the way of him attending.
– This year he didn’t contact her on her birthday.
– When he moved in with his current fiance, he didn’t have my daughter stay with him out of choice. Instead he would pop round to his parents and then go to his new house when it was my daughters bed time.
– By the end of last year my daughter was occasionally staying over at his, but told me there was an incident that made her feel “scared”. Therefore, I wasn’t happy with her staying there until he built up trust.
– He has never been one to phone or text, but I raised this as something our daughter wanted. He began phoning everyday for around 2 weeks, then just stopped and hasn’t phoned her for over a month.
– She had started to go to his during the day for a few hours, but has said his fiance always takes their baby out whilst she’s there and doesn’t get to spend time with her new sibling.
This weekend was meant to be the first time my daughter stayed at his over night for a while, but yesterday while my daughter was at his mum’s, he picked a fight with his mum and stormed out without telling my daughter. He didn’t phone to say goodbye or explain why he’d gone. My daughter came home really upset. His mum explained that the reason why he’d started an argument was because his fiance had dropped the baby round (she doesn’t like to go in the house) and then continually phoned my daughters dad saying she didn’t want him or the baby there. He then got angry and took it out on his mum. His mum said she doesn’t feel comfortable with my daughter going over as she knows (and couldn’t tell me at the time) my daughters dad and fiance haven’t been getting on.
My daughter adores her dad and I want her to have a good relationship with him but he’s making it so difficult. Last night she spent the evening distraught and this was happening regularly before I confronted him and said she wasn’t going to be staying there (around late January). When I confronted him about his actions and the negative impact it was having on our daughters emotional well being he became very hostile and defensive. As I’ve said he started phoning her more, but that’s gone completely out the window and now there’s this incident where he’s loosing his cool in front of her and she’s left upset.
I feel like after 9 years of things like this happening and it only becoming more frequent, and with her age (being more in tune to it all and it negatively impacting her emotional well-being) he’s had more than enough time to be the right kind of dad and to stop letting her down.
I’ve spoke with his mum, because my daughter has a very close relationship with her and her granddad (They’ve pretty much being second parents) and told them how I feel and that I am not going to do anymore to accommodate him. I don’t know if this sounds terrible or not but I feel like saying if he continues to behave this way and not put his daughter first then I’ll need to tell his parents to stop contacting him about when she’s at theirs and that he should be the one phoning and texting to find that out. He has never liked being in contact with me and so me trying to communicate with him has never gone well (often resulting in him being verbally aggressive and uncooperative).
I’m going to look into if theirs counselling available for my girl, as she’s finding it particularly difficult and confusing.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and could give me advice? Or just some pointers?12 June 2020 at 2:54 pm #40908
One of the other things I didn’t point out, but now maybe feel I should’ve, is that my daughters dad no longer pays maintenance. I always knew it came from his parents account but they told me he, for some strange reason, didn’t want it coming out of his. He has a stable job but always told me he wouldn’t tell me details so I could calculate maintenance. Anyway, his mum recently admitted that she pays for the support – something I’d sussed when a couple of years ago the money increased. She told me he rarely pays them the money and hasn’t done for a long long time. When I’ve asked him for financial support to help cover costs of before and after school care he told me “it’s your choice to work so you should pay for when you can’t look after her”. The money situation has obviously always bothered me, but I’ve always being more concerned with my daughters emotional well being and trying to ensure she has a good relationship with her dad. However, if anyone has any advice on this topic, I’d really appreciate it.