Told hubby to leave yesterday mixed emotions

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  • #39864 Report

    Grace88
    Participant

    I’ve been with my hubby 8 years and we have 5 kids and 2 have autism. We have been isolating in full as one of the kids under the 12 week rule he was laid off and I’m on furlough. Anyway cut a long story short one of his family members wanted to come and stay for the weekend but I said no they can’t due to child on 12 week rule and also because he could have been in contact with anyone and infect us !! Any other time would be okay just not right now …

    Anyway things got a bit heated and he kicked me in the thigh I told him to leave out of shock , I blame lockdown partially for his behaviour but no excuse. He left peacefully and I’ve not heard from him yet. Part of me wants to give him another chance but then I’m saying to myself no way. He can be unkind with words at times but is a great dad.
    The whole situation sucks and I’m scared to be a single mum to 5 also when he’s done so much in the past and worried about my job.
    I’m a wreck

    #39866 Report

    Sunnydays18
    Participant

    Hi Grace

    It sounds like you did exactly the right thing asking him to leave. Its a known fact that verbal abuse often esculates to physical abuse. Yes it must be very difficult for you right now, with the kids.. It is very early days and you will probably have him back. But, he is not calling to apologise? You had every right to say no to his family member staying. He was wrong and then to hurt you?! I would wait it out, i know its not easy, but let him make the first move, really see what he thinks/feels. Be honest with yourself, be kind to yourself and dont take any rubbish.

    #39874 Report

    Waunderful
    Participant

    Totally agree with the above. I’d wait for him to contact you, has it been long?  I wouldn’t rush into any choices.

    Well done for sticking up for yourself and the wellbeing of your children!

    Hope all goes well xx

    #39878 Report

    Bunnyhop
    Participant

    You absolutely did the right thing asking him to leave. And no lockdown is not an excuse for his behaviour. We all go through stressful times but we dont all go around kicking people because of it. I understand arguments can get heated and everyone is under a lot of pressure but, and I hate to sound harsh here, would you have made excuses for him if he had done it to one of the kids? Violence is never ok. Im not condeming the guy or going to tell you to split from the guy. But Im not going to tell you to take him back either. What I would say is perhaps now is a good time for both you and your partner to sit down seperately and re-evaluate your relationship etc. If you decide to split that doesnt mean he cant still be a good dad to the kids and it doesnt mean he cant still be around to help you with them – he can still be very much involved with the kids if you both wished for that to be the case. But dont take him back out of fear of raising the kids alone because you wouldn’t be alone – there are many resources and lots of support available to single parents from online communities such as this to charity organisations and much more. And as the kids get older it does get a bit easier as they become more independant, it doesnt stay so hard forever. If you are still undecided and are thinking about giving things another go despite all this then I would say at the very least remain seperated temporarily until things have calmed down. You’ll also have to consider the fact he’s now out of the house and broken quarantine so if he returns to the home now then your child who is shielding is at risk of being exposed to the virus which is exactly what you fell out about in the first place. So you’ll have to consider that. Things are tough just now and these are crazy times but just remember there is help available to you and your children should you need it. But ultimately the decision about whether you take him back or not can only be made by you. My only advice at this time is take some time apart and think hard about things but dont make any rash decisions and dont be pressurised. If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me. Hope you and your family stay safe

    #39931 Report

    Grace88
    Participant

    Thanks for the advice. It’s been 48 hours and no contact yet from him. I’m still weighing everything up but will do what’s best for the kids and me.
    It’s still so raw and I’ve mixed emotions

    #39932 Report

    Bunnyhop
    Participant

    Its totally understandable to be experiencing mixed emotions right now and of course you are right to take some time to mull it all over. You shouldn’t feel rushed into making a decision. In the mean time there’s your kids to consider. I dont know the guy so cant say why he hasnt been in touch yet. But perhaps you need to get in touch to discuss with him how you are going to arrange temporary contact for the kids until you have reached a final decision. Im sure the kids must be confused as to whats going on right now and, of course its your decision and this is merely advice, but Im sure it would be good for everyone if the kids could see or speak to their dad and get a bit of reassurance from you both. These are crazy times as it is. So even if it was a video call for him to say a quick hello to them, if you both could come to some sort of agreement, it would benefit the kids. Of course its your family and you should make our decisions based on what you feel is in the best interest of yourself and your children. I hope you and the kids are doing ok and hopefully whatever the outcome is going to be this will be resolved quickly for you all one way or the other

    #40005 Report

    Grace88
    Participant

    Thanks for your advice ….

    He came and got a few things over the gate day before yesterday. But most of his stuff is still here. He’s going away for 2 weeks and then we will chat I guess.
    But today he’s going to video call one of the girls who misses him lots , I can’t deny her that.
    I’m so heartbroken and it’s just the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
    I’m not condoning what he’s done but I’m in pieces and it’s so hard with all these kids esp the 2 with autism. He helps so much , I miss that help and his hugs. And when I see or hear his voice later as I will coz my daughters just turned 5 I’ll fall apart I think ……

    #40006 Report

    Waunderful
    Participant

    The hurt makes sense, emotions kick me in the ass every time I have a relationship fail or a breakup, even if I’ve been the one doing the dumping

    He’s barely talked to you and is now leaving for two weeks it doesn’t sound like he is being very considerate of your feelings or the kids.

    #40007 Report

    Bunnyhop
    Participant

    I know its hard but you are both doing the right thing taking some time apart. What happened shouldn’t have happened, there is no excuse. You need to decide whether it was the breaking point of your relationship or whether you want to make a go of things. Obviously most people will tell you to be strong and kick him to the curb, that if he has done it once he will do it again etc and they are saying it rightly so. But you sound like you might not be on that wave legnth and that you want him back so I dont think telling you to leave him is going to help. What I would say is if you both decide to make a go of things then your man should do anger management classes and you should say thats a mandatory condition to you giving things a go. Because even though things are stressful right now the way he lashed out at you isnt a healthy way of dealing with emotions and there’s a risk it could happen again if he doesnt learn to deal with whatever is causing this rage he has. And just remember your decision affects your kids too and they will pick up on more than you even realise. If he is the one who decides the relationship is over then like I said you can get support to help you, you will not be abandoned to look after those kids yourself if you reach out for help then there’s help there for you. Whatever you decide I hope you and your family stay safe

    #40020 Report

    Grace88
    Participant

    Thanks everyone , he’s going away so we can get  space to think. As much as I love him what he did wasn’t acceptable. And I’d only consider taking him back if he proved it by doing some kind of sessions or classes for his issues or at least talking to the health visitor. He’s not really into all that but if we mean anything he would.
    I think I’m going through the motions kinda grieving maybe. It’s more likely we will finish unless he does take action which I doubt will happen. But I’ll see in a few weeks how I feel after I’ve calmed down but myself and kids come 1st

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