tips/ advice on Dating
27 April 2021 at 8:24 pm #53451
😎Maybe cut off your nose while you’re at it.Just saying.I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it,but maybe someone else does😉 I don’t think you’re hiding anything,most ppl don’t put Any profile pic so don’t worry about that.I’m sorry you’re not having any luck at the moment and i’m sorry I can’t offer any advice only my sympathies- bc I would have no idea how or where to start🤔27 April 2021 at 8:53 pm #53454
Evening guys, beautiful weather here, hope you all have the same – not that I’ve been out in it, I’ve been sat at my desk WFH staring into the garden wishing I was out there!
I have no advice for internet dating – it’s an alien world to me. I think the best option is to get to know people the old fashioned way, face to face, which I admit is virtually impossible at the moment.
Attraction is a sensory reaction of sight, smell, sound – please note touch and taste require consent from the other person and I don’t recommend trying these without it!😁
Basically you may think you like or don’t like a person online, but you’ll only know when you actually meet.
I’ve been seriously involved with one person since my ex. I’ve known them for years and it made it easy that I knew I could trust them. They are still one of my best friends and it taught me that I would rather know someone first then go straight in to dating.
I’m usually a confident person but have been through enough that I’m wary of jumping into a relationship with a stranger, especially as a parent. However, this does make me wonder if I should get used to being on my own (as almost everyone I know is coupled up), I hope not but maybe it’s healthier to be happy with one’s own company first, then anything more is a bonus.27 April 2021 at 9:12 pm #53456
I’m sorry to hear some of your stories! We are here to support one another; as time pass by I become more comfortable with being with myself.
Lockdown is easing up , meaning that we can do more activities with friends / our kids.
Life is too beautiful to let our intrusive thoughts win! We got this, guys!
Btw – to those who enjoy films, Sound of Metal is fantastic! (Prime Video).27 April 2021 at 9:19 pm #53457
Lalaland – 😘
Thank you, love this – ‘Life is too beautiful to let our intrusive thoughts win!’
I will make this my mantra 😊28 April 2021 at 7:39 pm #53491
Really good read this thread, and someone may have asked but interested in a woman’s option
So I’m a single dad and my daughter lives with me pretty much full time which I love and would never change love being a dad!
I have a good job work hard and have been separated for just over a year.
So dating…..not done that in 18 years…where do you start!
How do woman feel about this situation i.e. single dad, works hard and a dog! I lost all my confidence when I found out my wife was having an affair and I have no idea how to get it back? Internet dating seems to be the thing but also scares me to death!28 April 2021 at 8:54 pm #53494
Ah, that elusive answer, what is it women want!😁
Quite frankly there isn’t a simple answer because us mere mortals are far from simple creatures.
From a 40 something female, good job, no dog (but I prefer them to cats) perspective you’re off to a good start, but it depends on whether my opinion is what you are after. Relationships are after all transactional. I’ll take your good job and raise you a homeowner by the sea etc etc.
As for confidence, welcome to the club my friend. 20 years for me since I’ve done all this and in those days I at least had the body to make up for the nerves.
What I am getting at is (hopefully) the good ones out there will overlook our little foibles, or missteps, as we learn how to navigate meeting not ‘IRL’ (check me out with the modern acronym🤣), so we do actually meet face to face eventually. I’ve yet to find it natural or easy to not talk face to face, but then as you may have observed by now I’m not brief in my interactions!😁
Should you know the equally elusive answer to what men want, I think there are several women on here who would be eternally grateful to know. I, for one, would like to feel that there is a modicum of hope that I will one day turn a head once again 😊28 April 2021 at 9:13 pm #53495
Now I feel old and out of date! IRL!!! Nope not a clue…….
So I am a homeowner and live two minutes from beach which I walk on everyday, made lockdown just that bit easier!
I get that in ya mid 40s we all have battle scares and bumps and lumps! Hell if we didn’t I would be more worried!
But if you have no confidence and time is limited with works and kids where do you start…….
I guess it’s the same for all of us, but internet dating just seems so brutal and cold!
Plus scary as…….! Hence the question28 April 2021 at 10:06 pm #53498
I think the reason we are all on this thread is because we feel the same way.
Many of us have said online is, as you say, brutal, cold, disposable. It’s scary because the more you judge the people you are selecting the more you become aware that is what is happening to you. Hence my statement about what do men want – how do you present yourself to at least get a shot at being spoken to- and I don’t mean lying because in the long term that is counter productive, but what makes the other person go – yes I’ll give them a chance. I am sure we all on this thread have the qualities and situations that others find desirable, but how do we sell that to the right people? I wish I could tell you, I wish I knew for me! Perhaps the answer is – be honest, then you’ll know they will want ‘you’ and not the person you’re pretending to be!?!
The alternative is, as racingred has suggested, getting yourself out there, expanding your social circle. But that requires time and space to be able to do, and for some of us that’s not always simple for a multitude of reasons, kids being one of them. However, I think it is the best option. You have to be out there to meet people if you don’t want to do the online thing.
Rest assured you are not alone in this, though some days it does feel that way!28 April 2021 at 10:07 pm #53499
Ok heads up on a few questions raised here. Clear the elephant in the room – online dating is weird, scary, depressing and mostly fake and designed to make you desperate for more. It’s usually built around a “DarkUI” that makes you addicted and crave the serotonin release associated with the accompanying notifications. There are some fairly sad but very insightful analyses of how it works these days but despite all the catphishing, fakebait profiles and pay walled features, it’s now the norm, which sadly means the actual real people on there are sucked into the shallow, skin deep instant gratification with all the biases under the sun applied. Guys – bad news. No matter how nice you are, there are 1000s of utter creeps out there bombarding every woman with likes, sleazy messages and **** pics. It’s an uphill struggle so if you have to go there, take a gum shield and get used to silent rejection. Sorry if that sounds miserable but online dating isa 99.9% toxic environment.
That said, there are genuine people on there and they are mostly people like us – with scars, a tad cynical (and rightly so!), probably single/lone parents and trying to work/parent/get by with little genuine free time. If you put some effort into it, get a few decent photos, take the to write something about yourself and actually scroll beyond their first photo, you might talk to a real person. What’s important is that you set clear expectations. If like me, you’re not exactly a stunning, then you ain’t gonna set Tinder on fire (sorry that is a horrendous unintended pun).
What society lacks is a safe, comfortable environment for like-minded people to socialise without the creeps, addicts, abusers etc. Used to be done at debutant balls, young farmers discos, college bars and village fetes etc. Not so much anymore. Now we have Tibde, Bumble, Match.com etc etc.
Perhaps this is where something like Gingerbread could step in – safe, platonic socialising for ‘nice’ people. We are social animals by nature. Hiding away can make us resilient but could we fare better with greater interaction? I think so. Maybe what we need is for the regional hubs like Cheltenham to get on it. That hub does a weekly 4-5 mile hike/coffee for members (and kids). It seems well-supported and managed. It may only be small numbers but in time they grow and friends recommend events and friends of friends etc until it reaches critical mass and people once shy or nervous naturally develop the confidence to organise a day out out or for coffee where they realise that the strongest relationships include great friendship, shared interest and mutual respect.
And no I’m not much of an idealist, honest!28 April 2021 at 10:19 pm #53501
Tibde???? Meant to type Tinder! Been a lonnnng day!29 April 2021 at 8:31 am #53509
Honestly guys when possible, join a hike group, cinema group, “whatever you into” group and leave online dating, like mentioned above, it’s toxic.
I have not had bad experiences per say but, I simply won’t find what I’m truly seeking on there! Perhaps living in a metropolis with a 50/50 co-parenting situation does helps, as I do have plenty of free time on a regular basis and therefore, able to do more activities yet, I genuinely think we should try other forms of dating…Also Tinder, Bumble, Hinge..oh lord! Lord! Too saturated with perhaps, not the right crowd.
I know we spoke about this but, how about rekindling old flames? And by old flames I don’t mean your ex but, that ex school buddy that “got away” (example) .. just an idea.
Also volunteering! What a great way to help out, learn new skills and meet new people! If only had the free time during the week…😔
To conclude, make sure that you do what makes you happy!29 April 2021 at 11:12 am #53512
JohnathandAnTwoboys we hear you. We’ve all been there and spent far too long wondering why and where the decent people are?!! And yes the creeps on Bumble/Tinder I’ve had the misfortune to meet threw me completely! It was soul destroying. I did meet some lovely guys too though and we chatted a lot. Unfortunately location wise they were too far and COVID hit, so they just fizzled out. One guy I’m still on Instagram with and he has a lovely new girlfriend and is happy after all his sadness, so it’s lovely to see good things happen. I don’t know what else to do apart from internet dating as I live in a tiny rural village and everyone is married and I work in a village school so I am never anywhere that sociable apart from the supermarket. And even then we have masks on!!! There aren’t even many local clubs around here. I love history and art but the average age in those groups are about 200 years old!! There isn’t even a Gingerbread group in this area either! Plus I have the kids nearly full time too. So its back to online dating. Sadly people are too hung up on the photos and don’t read what people are really interested in. AND really there is no enough writing room on those profile pages to really say much so it does have to be top level information too. I wish they would help more with tips on what and how to write things. So yes a more genuine, real site for people to meet other would be so much better. I did see one which was aimed at singleparents but again it was limited and not promoted so not many people on it. They are missing a trick there.
And yes Lalaland you’re totally right and are really inspiring. Happiness definitely comes from within. I guess some of us take longer to get there and it still feels so odd being without a partner even after 18 months. It certainly takes a lot of getting used to. I miss all the little things like someone to talk to about random stuff, scratch my back (although i’ve trained the kids for that) and a shoulder massage (not in a rude way but I have a bad back). Also what what would make me happy is someone to help me sort out my shed and lift all the spider infested stuff out and take it to the tip!!!! the size of those spider webs (sobs). It really is those little things we wish we could have someone around to help with. If only you could find out on dating sites if a partner was really willing to help you with the little stuff like that…..and not demand an unpleasant photo in return!!!
Keep going everyone and enjoy the sunny weather. I am going to continue cuddling and enjoying my time with my faithful cockerpoo dog, who is the best buddy ever.
D29 April 2021 at 11:35 am #53519
Right actually just been thinking about what I look for in a guy on dating apps and here are some thoughts which I hope help:
Smiley photos. ones where I can see the whole face, body language and pictures of a guy looking happy and relaxed. Ones of them and their kids are great, even ones of them at home, out, on holiday. Just enjoying life. There was one guy I liked who was fairly average looking, wasn’t the snappiest of dressers but his photos of him and his girls were lovely. They sung out that this was a warm, caring happy guy and I could see really him, his life and I could see he wasn’t afraid to hide himself or what he was all about. Unfortunately he didn’t like me, but hey can’t win em all!!
Photos not liked are ones where the guy is not smiling, hiding his face a bit, selfies in a bathroom, posed and over dressed, holding a massive fish, posing by a sports car, being over-sporty (I couldn’t keep up with that), hugging another woman (maybe a sister but who knows), wearing a wedding ring (yes they do!!!!!), sat topless holding a beer can smoking a cigarette (erm not around the kids thanks!)…..You get the picture.
Us single mums want to see single Dads and know they are. We like guys that are happy to chat about their kids and the place where they live. They will know you’ve been hurt and are still sore, they are too, but they do’t want to read about it too much in your profile. But they will love learning what you do for a living (because they are interested not after your money), what hobbies you really enjoy, what makes you happy, your favourite food and what makes you laugh. They will want to know that you are genuinely interested in friendship first, have integrity and respect boundaries. That you will enjoy chatting to them for a while and see how it goes without pressure.
I hope that helps a bit and good luck!29 April 2021 at 12:35 pm #53521
I think you are spot on with a lot of what you have said. Anything too posed is weird – and yet – I am guilty of that myself. I’ve been asked, for the first time, for photos of me – and I don’t have any. It has always been me taking the photos! So I have taken a few selfies (how unnatural does it feel doing them) and am aware how stilted they are. Maybe the one recent pic I have of me not posed I’ll change my profile photo to here and test it out?😁
Also, I’m glad I’m not the only one that finds the request for ‘other’ photos unpleasant- am I old or is it okay to be shocked? This is why I came off online, I don’t think I’m robust enough yet to put my gum shield in and face the scrum.
If it’s of any benefit I would say being a single dad is a bonus in my mind, it means you understand- you’ll get our side of things. Don’t downplay it or hide it – though maybe that depends on the type of woman you want?
Quite frankly chaps, it appears there are several lovely people on this thread – I once played Cilla Black in a school production (red head here) can we aim for a gingerbread blind date wedding that I can get a hat for!?!🤣🤣29 April 2021 at 2:35 pm #53533
Jaekae put your photo up, it would be lovely to put a face to the chat. And yes do your Cilla magic . I havnt said much but following the conversation. I have given up with online dating …. its vile, horrendous and far too painful. Having a brilliant time now doing the things my daughter and I enjoy the most and joined a few single parent groups for meet ups and holidays. It seems a far natural process and definitely more likely to meet someone special that not only shares interests and hobbies but who also completely understands what its like to work around childcare priorities for example.
So were off to climb Snowdon in June with a group of single parents and children. Cant wait.
Does gingerbread facilitate anything like this? I’m fairly new to gingerbread and have been lurking for ages. Just popping my head up for air… please be kind.