This is too hard :’(

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  • #7281 Report

    Jvp2018
    Participant

    my ex moved out around a year ago, and has his own house with his girlfriend and her children. Our children divide their time pretty equally between us and it works well and they seem happy.

    But I am just not coping. I have done literally everything people have suggested; I’ve redoorared, I’ve set myself challenges, I’ve worked hard to build a small friendship group and keep busy etc. I make every effort to really put value in our time together when I have them. But when we’re apart I just am not coping. I’m sad when they have swimming lessons without me there, I’m sad when they make memories without me, or eat food that I wouldn’t allow, or learn something new. It just hurts aaaaaaall of the time :’(

    #7315 Report

    Jvp2018
    Participant

    Yeesh, this forum made me feel brilliant! I’ll give the Samaritans a ring instead I think

    #7318 Report

    Hi , I understand, what is it that you are not letting be? You need to see the positive in momentary seperation and inbrace it! Feer of missing out when your are not is natural. Be willing to experience different emotions and ask yourself what you have chosen to teach yourself and except full responsibilty for all unwanted emotions. Then decide to create a buitifull future for you and your child. Be gratfull others love your child too and allow them the grace to put love and positivity into the universe you are part of. Create more with your child getting involved in there world and super quality time, your confidence and knowledge of your relationship is unique and regardless of others influnece is itself. Trust yourself and your self respect and be happy are helping too.

     

     

     

     

    #7320 Report

    jasmin3
    Participant

    I am so sorry to hear how upset you are. How are you managing? You arent alone x

    #7321 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    JVP2018, I understand and can relate to missing the kids whilst they are with their dad. I feel like I’ve been able to move on from this and whilst I still think about them when they’re not here, I cope much better than I did initally (it’s been 6mnths). I’m not sure what helped me to get this place. I suppose it’s my perception that altered. I recognise that these kids have 2 parents, both offer different styles of things (love/life/opportunity), and I respect my children for engaging with both parents. I have no feelings (love/hate) for their dad, it was a turbulent relationship and I think that helps. Their dad has new partners frequently and I pride myself in offering the stability and consistency in the kids lives that I feel they need. As they are happy when they are at home I don’t feel the need to ‘compete’ with what dad offers on his alternate weekends and telephone contact. I see their happiness daily and get to witness much more of my children’s characters (laughs and sadness) 12days out of 14 days. Yeah I tell them off (it’s your place to offer guidance) when needed. They don’t love me any less for it and we move in quickly. I focus on when the kids return rather than their absence, I’ll make their favourite cookies/cakes for when they come home etc. I feel ok when they return and tell me about something nice they did with their dad, I smile and say that’s fantastic, that’s what the kids need to see. In reality it goes in one ear and out the other! I have a fantastic relationship with my children, all 3 and know ultimately that they will all become adults in a blink of an eye and they will be my judge. I can genuinely say, I have always made decisions and presented myself to them (I might rant at my poor mother!) in a way they feel safe and loved. I did read your post the other day but thought someone else might have been better able to offer support, so I read and ran, sorry 🤦🏼‍♀️

    #7333 Report

    Vickyh
    Participant

    I’m also struggling at the moment, I keep telling myself I will get through the emotional pain, it’s was really good to read your post dmp, hope it helped you too jvp2018. We all need to keep going and being strong it just takes so much energy emotionally and physically…

    #7334 Report

    Jennifer18242130
    Participant

    I totally understand. I find the pain comes and goes. Sometimes it seems overwhelming and so physical. Then it goes and I am back to normal.

    My ex left two and a half years ago and kept me thinking he may come back. On the last Xmas day he told me he was in love with his girlfriend and had filed for divorce. I thought the girlfriend was a new thing but he had been with her for a year and a half. And all that time he played me and let me think we may be a family again.

    He has the kids 3 nights a week which is more than I would like but the kids are happy and well-adjusted and I have to cope.

    I was a stay-at-home mum for 13 years so hate it when they aren’t near me. What can we do? I tell myself my happiness isn’t important as long as my kids are happy.

    #7339 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    Jennifer, our happiness (mums) does matter…immensely. We were someone before we had kids, we enjoyed hobbies, we had character and didn’t feel the need the comply with social norm, or I certainly didn’t. We were ok with who we were, someone fell in love with that character and from that our children were created. We are amazing people! We just got to find and be happy with ourselves again. It goes without saying that my children will continue to be my priority, but we’re also individuals with interests and a list of things we’d like to do prior to becoming too old/frail. Don’t let life pass you by without achieving what you want, don’t sit on that sofa waiting for the children to return, get out there 😀

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