This is scary I need help

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  • #10334 Report

    Jenni
    Participant

    HI,

    Not really sure where to start.

    I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that my relationship is toxic and I am depressed.

    we have been together 4 years and have a 20 month old.

    I moved up north 4 years ago to be together, and now we are about to separate. I’m scared of what happens next as all the people I know here are through my partner. He has control of our finances even though I work too. I’ve asked him to leave but he won’t so I am now in a situation where I’m panicking about what to do next, I don’t want my child to not have her father in her life. It feels like he has all the cards. I feel like I’ve failed.

    He is happy to live in the same house but separated so we are still a family but it’s tearing me apart.

    Any advice on where to go from here? I.e. Help with accommodation and finances such as will I still get help paying nursery fees as a single parent?

    My worst fear is becoming a single mother and not being able to provide.

    Please help

    Thank you

     

     

    #10335 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    Is the mortgage only in his name? Why are you handing all your money over to him? Do you mean it goes into his account and not a joint one? It’s a bit lacking in info at the mo. But try this line – they’re very good.

    Support with any parenting problem: Family Lives 9am-9pm weekdays, 10am-3pm weekends FREE helpline 0808 800 2222 http://familylives.org.uk

    Separation disputes: http://www.sortingoutseparation.org.uk

    If you can provide more info we might be able to help a bit more but the above have professional knowledge, so try them anyway.

    All the best.

    #10336 Report

    Jenni
    Participant

    It goes into our joint account but that’s where all the bills come out, I have no idea what personal money he has.

    He just puts in the joint to pay bills and if anything extra is needed then I have to ask him. I know this is very controlling behaviour and I have come to realise this.

    Thank you very much for the contacts.

    This is the first step for me and not going to be an easy one.

    #10337 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    Yeah, that’s a mad setup. With my ex we kept our personal accounts, worked out what the mortgage and bills would roughly come to per month and setup a transfer every month, leaving us with our own spending money. Sounds like you’re paying him your entire salary and he is paying something which may not be his entire salary?

    If you’re saying it is a joint mortgage you could arrange a severance of tenancy which means you can force the house sale. He could buy you out at market price or you can force a sale so at least you’ll come out with half (I assume the house is 50/50 owned?). If you get half you may be able to buy a two bed flat and don’t forget you can also arrange him paying you support money and in theory CMA can identify what he truly earns (though I hear some Dads find devious ways around that). Let me know if you need to know more.

    No, it won’t be easy as such, but it does get easier.

    #10338 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    This is worth a read: http://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/guides/article-2650606/What-money-rights-unmarried-couples-break-up.html

     

    #10340 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    From Netmums site (suggests you could take him to court and they might agree you stay in the house with your child until they are 18 but he has to leave – by the way you don’t have to spend a fortune going to court if you represent yourself and surely you could speak to your HR dept and ask them to change which bank the money is paid into, put it into your own account, and transfer a day after clearing – taking into account what is needed for the house that would leave you with your own money?)

    There are no set rules when it comes to decisions about homes and ownership.

    You can make whatever arrangement you like with your partner, but it’s wise to bear in mind the legal position and what a court might decide.

    Both partners have the right to remain in the family home, and neither of you can force the other to leave, but courts will give priority to making sure children have a secure home.

    If you have day-to-day care of the children, the courts can, for example, order the transfer of a joint lease to your sole name if you rent, or, if you’re a homeowner, state that you can stay in your present home until the kids reach the age of 18.

    Although your home will probably be the biggest financial concern, decisions about housing will be made in the context of the whole divorce settlement. So, for example, maintenance payments may include mortgage payments.

    <h3 style=”box-sizing: inherit; margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 12px; font-family: Roboto, ‘Helvetica Neue’, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.44444; color: #2a2a2a; font-size: 24px;”>What the court might say</h3>

    If you can’t reach an agreement with your ex about housing and need to go to court, the court might order that:

    <ul style=”box-sizing: inherit; margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 24px; color: #797979; font-family: Roboto, ‘Helvetica Neue’, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 18px;”>
    <li style=”box-sizing: inherit;”>Ownership stays the same, but one of you is given the right to stay in the property until a fixed point (for example, when your youngest child reaches 18).
    <li style=”box-sizing: inherit;”>Ownership of the home is transferred to one of you, with perhaps a lesser share of other possessions.
    <li style=”box-sizing: inherit;”>The home is transferred to one of you but with a charge secured on the property, so that the other party receives a set percentage when the home is sold.
    <li style=”box-sizing: inherit;”>The home is sold and the proceeds split between you, in whatever proportions seem fair, for you both to start afresh.
    <li style=”box-sizing: inherit;”>Ownership is transferred to your child.

    #10432 Report

    MissUnderstood
    Participant

    Hi Jenni,

    How are things with you Hunni? I am sorry to hear you are experiencing a hard time & I can completely relate to what you are going through as I have experienced D.A/D.V from my sons father for the last 4+ yrs with no family and very little support from friends as it’s “too much drama” OR “its all in your head” etc.. I had a breakdown through constant emotional/mental abuse that I couldn’t take anymore and almost did a drastic/ irrational thing as I thought it was the only way it would stop. I too suffer from depression, anxiety & PTSD so every professional I asked for help/advice got thrown back in  my face and i was victimised even more due to my mental health. It has taken 3 yrs to get children’s services to back off but no matter how many times I called the police, they never did anything and he still continues to make my life hell on a daily basis and my kids and I are practically prisoners in our own home. There are organisations that can find you temp accommodation then as soon as something permanent becomes available the council/housing office will transfer you and more than likely red flag the property. Have you tried going into your local police station as they can provide you with leaflets detailing domestic abuse and your rights, early intervention team, emergency accommodation in a woman’s refuge.  If you haven’t then it may be an idea to do it as they have access to support for you and your little one. You can also try looking at the following for help and support in your area.

    womans aid/NDVH – 24hr helpline  nationwide        Telephone 0808 2000 247.

    NCDV- 24 hour emergency num

    Telephone : 08448044999 also

    Text “NCDV” to 60777

     

    Websites :

    http://www.ncdv.org.uk ( can obtain an injunction within 24-48hrs and can last to 1 year injunction order. You will be allocated a case/support worker who can get the appropriate agencies involved to assist you.

    http://www.womansaid.org.uk

    http://www.refuge.org.uk

    http://www.domesticabuse.org.uk

    if you need anymore help pls feel free to contact me and I will try and support you in getting the support as I know when you are in the situation you can’t get online support incase the perpetrators click on to your plan to get away.

    You need to go to the police and they will monitor the situation and visit when it’s safe for you. Please get out of the property because the more control the stronger they get and it becomes physical. Your lil one needs mummy to be strong enough to make it better for you both to start a fresh and live how you deserve to. Be careful and stay safe and you can email me at : tinantiajadehunt@hotmail.co.uk anytime ok.

    Big hugs

    Tx

     

     

     

     

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