This is scary 😑

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  • #43442 Report

    Anxiousmarie84
    Participant

    Hello,

    I am new to all this so please be gentle i am very fragile atm!

    So the last 2 weeks have been turbulent and i have ended my 11 year relationship and i feel like the worse person in the world.

    Things have always been tough and i have always just been the Mum and sorted it out and carried on but now during this strabge year where i havent been working my 2 jobs i have reached boiling point and ended things. DP is 4 years younger than me and has always been one to have a short fuse and is very jelous and insecure. He will go from 0-100 and either storm out or sulk both which i cant handle and will do anything to avpid or stop it. Of course we have had many happy.times and we have an amazing 9 year old. He comes from a family who are money obsessed and he has these ways too which has lead him to get into debt (which lead to us both going into an IVA) and also gambling. His parents have always bailed him out of this which hasnt helped matters. Many times i have said if you gamble again thats it to which he did and i just couldnt end it. Recently he has self excludee (i thpught itnwas gamstop he had done) and is barred from the bookies, although he watches gamblers on you tube and recently won £600 though guessing a winning amount on one of these sites?. Anyway the thing that kinda got me to breaking point is he borrowed money from my mum for valentines day, i didnt get anything, i questioned him about this as my mum let it slip and he said he spent it on the xbox. Iv now fpund out it was gambled. I havent been happy for a while and the xbox doesnt help matters as i have learnt to sleep with him playing at the end of the bed. The first 2 weeks of full lockdown were tough and we basically spent it in different rooms, during this time he had a girl calling him daily to see when he was going online. Things blew up when he saw a message on my phone from a guy from the gym it was just a winky face nothing was going on at all it was just chat and prob just for attention on my part but nothing was ever inappropriate so we chatted about things and he asked if i has spoken to any other guys so i said yes an old friend about online gym classes which lead to a few more conversations again prob for attention borderline flirty but nothing insinuating etc. This then lead to him saying he will change and then the girl who was calling blocked him all of a sudden. I deleted the app the gym guy was on as he didnt like it. From then he had improved on his xbox playing but it started the constant questioning on who i had spoken to everyday and checking my phone at every oppurtunity to the point i felt under constant survellence. He denied checking my phone so i installed an app which showed me him unlocking and checking, he never found anything. I said i will delete all social media which he didnt like but asked me to show him my messages which i did. He said i like all this guys posts and not close friends as he really got this invested in it to the point i just didnt go on anymore. Also during one of our crisis talks he stormed out and then messaged me his funeral song but didnt answer his phone so i panicked. In the past i have talked him down from a rail track as i wasnt ready to have children i fell pregnant a few months later. My birthday came along and he said il get you something when you need something and got me a card and took DS to choose me a gift. Then we spent the day doing nothing as normal which didnt really help my dpubts. That night we chatted and he said i dont think we should be together and got upset when i didnt disagree (he loves reverse pyscology) we decided to try to which came a week of him stuck to my side not checking my phone but reading it over my shoulder. I theb caught him on my phone during the night to which i questioned and he denied so i showed him the app, i ended it and he moved out to his parents. Everyone has said to him to give me space but he cant do when he found out i was home alone as he had our son he came round, constant messages and calls of love. He has pushed our son to the limit with the xbox invites just to ask how i am its just been too much. He keeps asking how my feelings can just turn off or have they changed. Hes asked our son if he thinks mummy still loves him,hes put stuff all over facebook about his heartbreak (i have come off of all socail media) he still questions who i am talking to and is there someone else i literally can think of nothing worse than going off with someone else. He rang me in tears as i hadnt told him i was at my sisters for dinner and he then came to hers for a chat outside then after ue left sent a very final sounding txt to DS and a phone call saying sorry for all the times he told him off to which my son went white and said daddys hung up. I was in bits called his mate and parents he did eventually call and say he had just gone on a walk and left his phone in the car so i felt like an absolute nutcase. A week on i am still a mess and feel terrible for all this upset i have caused and i just hope i have made the right decision. He still is hoping to come back even though i have told him twice now its over 😪 why do i feel so crappy everyday

    #43451 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    I think you’ve made the hardest decision and set the wheels in motion. It sounds like you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about all the things you currently have that you struggle with and that you don’t want in the future. It’s time to start planning what life will look like, in the main all the practical stuff.

    Are you covered from a housing point of view? Have you applied for the benefits you’ll be eligible for? Single occupancy councillor tax? Making plans for handover, possibly 3rd party transfers if you don’t want him to your (?new) home.
    It’s a transition process, it takes time to adjust, it’s likely that you’ll question whether you made the right decision at times and people will have opinions too. You don’t mention how your son feels about the separation? Have you got work to distract you? And a good support network?

    #43452 Report

    Anxiousmarie84
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply. 

    I have contacted the housing people about changing the tenancy to 1 person however DP is still in denial and is hoping to come back after iv had a think which is making things hard.

    How i am feeling atm is kind of like nothing ever happened its all a very strange time.

    My son is a very laid back caring soul he seems quite happy atm he has had a big cry and I have talked through it with him in the sense that these things happen etc. He has been with DP since Fri so that has been hard for me too hes due home this evening.

    I go back to one of my jobs next week so the routine will be a welcome distraction I am sure my other job is still a bit in limbo atm.

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    #43455 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    It’s sounds like you’ve made the decision not to return to the relationship, I remember myself thinking ‘if I go back now, I have all these negative feelings to go through again at another time’. I knew the end was inevitable and I told my ex partner that too but he just couldn’t help himself, and I couldn’t live with him like he was. We’ve been separated now 4 years, it’s been an opportunity for me to discover who I am again. I got lost when I became a mum and a partner. He still hasn’t changed.
    I don’t have any contact with my ex partner now, all transfers are by 3rd party which suits me and the children that still see him

    #43459 Report

    Anxiousmarie84
    Participant

    Thanks so much, I hope I can return in 4 years and say the same! 

    Hes been round today telling all about these changes he has made so far, regardless to the fact that I have been through all the hurt and holding it together for all these years 🙄

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