Thinking about seperation

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  • #39439 Report

    James34
    Participant

    Hi all. I’ve been thinking long and hard for the last couple of months.

    Thinking of a sepration to my wife of 12 years marriage. Also have 3 kids which i truly adore like any parent.

    I dont know how to tell her i want to seperate. I have tried to make a go of it but im struggling being here and being happy.

    She has a go at me for breaking a glass so i cant bring myself to tell her how i feel as i know she will hit the roof hence why im still here taking it day by day. I thought things might change but nothings happened and i doubt it ever will.

    I know i need to get out of this marriage and i would be much happier. ( but im scared as i dont want to upset the kids or them to resent me leaving).

    Any suggestions on how to tell her?

    #39447 Report

    Redhead12
    Participant

    Hey,

    so sorry to hear this and trust me you aren’t the only one going through this!

    I would say have you tried writing it all in a letter or an email??
    have something you can read from??
    If you feel this way you have to be strong and tell her it’s not fair on you! and sometimes we do have to put ourselves first 🙂

    #39449 Report

    James34
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply.

    Never thought about writing it down and she would only havre a go because i did writr it down and not tell her face to face without reciting off a piece of paper.

    Im not the one to be nasty to people even tho she triesto make out everytging is my fault.  Im more the reserved and quiet type. Think thats why im finding it so hard to find a way to tell her.

     

     

     

    #39458 Report

    Redhead12
    Participant

    Even if you write it all down to make it clearer in your head and I think there will never be an ok time to speak and you just have to do it, you are stronger than you think!
    also if she does “hit the roof” then she clearly isnt thinking about your feelings??
    as for the children they will not resent you at all it shows them how to be honest and how to deal with real life Situations.
    Maybe have a look at some books aimed at children and parents separating?

    #39472 Report

    Steve1986
    Participant

    James, hi mate,

    That’s a tricky one; I can certainly see the dilemma.

    Much like a lot of other things at the moment, it is made all the more difficult by COVID. If restaurants and pubs were still open, you could have broken the news somewhere in public where she would be less likely to kick off.

    I was going to suggest a letter or an email too, but if you don’t think this will work, how about recording your thoughts on a cassette tape (or the modern equivalent… showing my age now!) You could find somewhere quiet and record a voice message of your thoughts? Then play it to her. If she questions why you didn’t say it face to face, you could explain that you didn’t feel comfortable doing so for fear of how she would react. If she kicks off, she’s shot herself in the foot because she’s just proved your point.

    The kids are a different matter… that’s going to be hard. Explain that you and their mum both love them, the separation is nothing to do with them, and that they will still get to see you both – but happier.

    I remember years ago in my youth, being with this girl and it just wasn’t working for me. I sent her a text message saying we needed to talk; she responded with, “you’re finishing with me aren’t you?” I was like, “well…… yeah”. If only life were still that simple.

    Best of luck mate; hope it works out. Remember that the darkest hour is just before the dawn.

    #39601 Report

    JessPlusTwo
    Participant

    Hey James,

    It’s a hard thing to feel the way you’re feeling but even more so in these already uncertain times!

    Have you ever raised the subject with her before? Or would this be completely out of the blue to her? I personally would go down the letter route but only as a way to organise your thoughts, sometimes I find having difficult conversations on the spot means that either I forget some important points or the other persons emotions rule the conversation which stops you explaining what you need to say.

    After 6 years and two children together I called my marriage to an end last month. It was something that had been brewing for a long time and we’d had many ‘things have got to change’ arguments but one of the things that held me back was fear of my husbands reaction and worry about what it will do to my eldest child (5). It hasn’t been pleasant and his emotions have been hard to handle most days but us being in different houses has probably helped a lot as the children are shielded from everything going on and we’re not around eachother most of the time. So I would say if this is really what you want, have an idea of where you’re going to go from there in terms of living arrangements, even if it’s just for a trial separation.

    Most importantly know you’re not alone, your feelings are important too and your children deserve two happy healthy parents in their lives, regardless of whether those parents are married or separated.

    Take care and good luck x

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