The shambles of 2020/2021
7 July 2021 at 2:10 pm #56247
Hi all, I’m a mother of 3 very energetic and spirited children (13, 10, 5) I’d like to say I’m newly single but my husband passed suddenly in October due to a brain haemorrhage so not really new. We struggled through the first lockdown prior to his passing then things seemingly went back to ‘normal’ but after his passing everything seemed to snowball, we as a family caught covid 2 weeks later, then another lockdown with Christmas, then to top it all off I myself lost my Dad 3 weeks ago after a long 10 year battle with Parkinson’s and Dementia. I feel like I’m going crazy and struggling to hold it all together. Juggling spells of at home learning, dealing with 3 kids with all very different bereavement coping mechanisms, 1 of which had expressed desperately to be back with her Dad. My Dad’s health for his last 8 month with multiple appointments, plus all the housework and trying to decorate and make the house nicer for the kids. I feel like there is a lot of pressure to have a ‘show house’ constantly except on a bad day my house resembles an explosion at the tip.
Sorry for the long winded post.7 July 2021 at 3:14 pm #56253
Jeez.How do you cope day to day?! Do you have a lot of help/friends avl?? Like…..How do you do it?!?7 July 2021 at 5:24 pm #56265
I don’t have a choice to do anything other than continue, I’ve got 3 children watching and relying on me to be strong for them. In the last 3 years I’ve lost 4 people, my brother in 2017, my gran beginning of 2020, my husband 8 month ago and now my Dad and up until the day my Dad died I felt like I’d held everything together. Now I feel flat and broken, lost itv you like? I tell people I’m ok because it’s easier then explaining why I’m not because most of the time I wouldn’t know where to start?
Im REALLY sorry for bleating on. I think everyone has had enough misery, we all need something to be half about.7 July 2021 at 9:33 pm #56280
My goodness what a terrible time you have had! Please don’t think you are “bleating on” – that’s a huge amount to cope with.
Can I recommend bereavement counselling? Cruse were terribly helpful when my Mum died, giving me space to grieve that my children couldn’t see, and help on how to handle my children’s grief too. I didn’t have to put on a brave face with the counsellor and that was really helpful.
I would say if the decorating and the housework feel too much atm, let them wait until you feel stronger.
Sending very warm wishes to you and your children8 July 2021 at 10:25 am #56300
Yes, I agree with NickyBee.
What you have been through is a devastating amount of losses for 1 person to get to grips with.I don’t know how you can concentrate on anything at all right now.When my worse half left my dad was very ill and left us a few months later.I had a bunch of little kids and various complications and i thought I was doing fine.Well I Was doing everything,all the time,non stop, but it took its toll eventually.Not like I had a breakdown or anything dramatic but I just slowly got more and more exhausted and worn down & things got harder and harder and then there were more problems to deal with.Unless you have a lot of support somehow somewhere be careful not to spread yourself too thin bc eventually there’ll be nothing left and it’s hard to claw your way back up again,if you get my drift.It can be hard to put your pride away but the mess in the house is not the biggest issue,unless your finding it’s causing extra issues.(Maybe you can get some cleaning help)The other thing is,I used to have the same mindset of ‘I Have to do it,keep it together etc’.Eventually I saw a therapist who explained how the brain works and me telling myself ‘I HAVE to’etc was making the burden heavier for myself.It took time but I learnt to tell myself ‘Im Choosing to do this bc….’ It is interesting to see how different that can make us feel.I
Wishing you lots of mental,emotional & physical wellness,you’re not alone in this struggle 💗13 July 2021 at 3:59 pm #56438
Wow!! You have been through the mill. Whilst I have not been through what you have what helped me when mine were 8/7/5 yrs and lively and I was first a single dad working full time were – Don’s sweat the small stuff – give yourself a break. Bribery – rewards for letting me sleep in on a Saturday or Sunday. Pride – I was a single dad of 3 kids if I needed help I asked for it, pride was a luxury I could not afford. Café Royal Tea – my treat to me!
Asking the children to help me keep the place tidy, they picked up their toys or when I swept / hovered the toys went in the bin – only happened once! They wont ‘judge’ you for how tidy the house is but they need you healthy and as happy as you can manage given the circumstances! You sound a very strong person, believe in yourself but give yourself a break, things are different.