The New Partner Of The Ex !!!
29 April 2020 at 9:14 pm #39500
This might be a long one – sorry !!
So I have just joined this page after calling Talk Plus today as I am struggling to accept my exes new partner in to my childs life.
Briefly a bit of back ground. I was married to my child father in 2011. In 2015 (Jack being 2 years old) we moved into a refurbished home of our own only being in 2 weeks that my life then fell apart. My ex had a letter land on the doorstep for an obscene amount of money, meaning we were going to lose the house. I then found out he had been seeing someone from his work, texts, calls, pictures (linked to my computer) I took matters into my own hands and sold up, moved back home and filed for divorce in 2016.
About 1 year or so after we split up I found out he was now in a relationship with the woman mentioned above and they wanted to progress their relationship and meet my son. I was not too happy about this as this woman had come between us (only realising now it was a blessing in disguise) I managed to allow this to happen and move on. This woman didn’t see Jack that often and had been left wondering when and where this woman was next going to appear. It wasn’t structured and consistent.
In November 2019 I returned from a holiday to be told by my ex that he had a new girlfriend – What???? Where did the last one go??? (oh yeah cheated on her as well). Confused and wondering what the hell was going on I wanted to meet this new girlfriend as again we were hearing that they wanted to move on with their life. I wanted to see what their intentions were and why my ex thought this was good behaviour to allow my son around ( it is not and I wont allow for him to think that it is).
This woman had sat me down this one night and basically said she was moving in with my ex and that Jack had to just get on with it. My child had never really been around this before and I wanted it staggered and monitored. Any way loads more lies from the ex, abusive texts and now solicitors and mediation involved.
We agreed for the sake of Jack she moved in end of May which gave Jack time to get to know her. Lockdown then conveniently occurred and guess where she classed her main residence – at my exes, with not even a thought for my child.
Over the last few weeks I have looked at my own life and have realised that I am not allowing myself to let Jack go, which in turn I think is making me not meet anyone. I have decided that if Jack is happy then we have to go with it.
I collected him from there the other day and the new Girlfriend kissed and cuddled Jack goodbye – WOW!!!! My heart is broken. I can not explain this feeling, I still have it now and I can not shift it.
Jack now wants to spend so much time with his dad, which is great as he didn’t before and I am not sat here crying that I do not feel like his mum anymore. I feel that I am the bad parent, I am the one that does all the discipline, school work and then they do all the fun stuff. Today I have heard her on a call shouting over my ex what did Jack want for tea and I sobbed.
The reason why I am here is because its taking all my energy away from the time that I have Jack and I want to just be able to get on with my own life. It feels like my ex has won, after all he has done to us he gets the reward of a happy ending whilst I’m sat here crying every night alone.
I just wanted to see how other single parents have dealt with this and how I can overcome it and move on with my own life.
Any suggestions/comments would be greatly welcomed.
Kerri x29 April 2020 at 10:34 pm #39504
i read your post and wanted to respond.
i totally understand how you feel.
i put on another post how hard I find it that my ex is seen as a hero by our son. He destroyed my life when he left 3 years ago. He met someone else she when I found out he emotionally abused me, stole money, forced us out of our home, forced me out if my job (I worked with him and he got his friends to make life difficult). It’s hard to summarise what went on in a few lines. Yet to our son, he’s Mr wonderful who can do no wrong. I bear the brunt of our son’s anger, upset, sadness. It’s me that dies the discipline and deals with the backlash. Daddy’s is all McDonald’s and computer games.
He married the woman he tore us apart for. In all honesty, I think he had to in order to prove to others as well as himself that he’d made the right decision. Time will tell on that. I’ve never met her. She’s refuses to meet me and hides if she’s around whenever there’s a handover. I feel better by telling myself that shows she’s pretty pathetic. Will she carry on like that? In 20 years if our son gets married, will she hide outside the ceremony?!
However, it stings massively that she gets to wake up with my son every other Christmas morning. That’s my role and my right as a mother and I’ve been robbed of it. To try to deal with it, I busy myself and surround myself with others.
if you ever find the answer of how to deal with it all, I’d love to know!
all the nest to you29 April 2020 at 11:01 pm #39505
Hi. I think how you’re feeling is perfectly understandable. My ex had an affair , moved in with her and I was not allowed to meet her. Luckily my children are all in their teens so don’t really want that much to do with her. This woman has split your family up and now gets to have fun with your child, it hardly seems fair does it? I can guarantee your little boy loves you more than anyone else because you’re there for him all the time and make him feel loved, safe and secure. I really hope that you can use the time that he’s at his dad’s to do something for yourself so that you get a break and do something you enjoy. Try and think positive that if he enjoys being with his dad and girlfriend then that’s good for your son. It would be awful if he hated visiting his dad so be grateful that they are all getting along. It’s only natural that you feel jealousy and resentment towards this woman, I feel exactly the same about my ex’s girlfriend. I have found that over time it gets easier and it bothers me less now. Focus on being the best mum you can be, it sounds like you’re doing a great job.30 April 2020 at 1:20 am #39510
Hey Kerri, evening folks!
Kerri – I totally understand what you are going through. It must be heartbreaking to see this going on- but without realising it you have already made huge progress. This is because you have identified how it makes you feel rather than what it is.
I’m going to play devil’s advocate here – but only because you have asked for advice on how to manage it. I’m going to start by saying that none of this is necessarily the new girlfriend’s fault. Deep down she is probably terrified of being ‘accepted’; meeting a new partner’s children is a huge deal. The fact that she has made such an effort suggests she is aware of how much Jack means to his dad. As Lorraine says; from an outside (objective) point of view, this should be a huge relief. You know that your son is happy and is being treated nicely.
I’m guessing from the dates that Jack is now 10? It won’t have been an easy time for him. The best thing you can do is speak positively about her (she doesn’t sound like a bad person at all!) I’m sure Jack’s dad will have had a chat with him, and explained that no one is trying to replace his mum.
My advice comes from two experiences- one as a child, one as an adult. I was 6 when my parents separated and subsequently divorced; my mum was very bitter about my dad’s new girlfriend and used to refer to her as a ‘*****’. 6 year old me didn’t know what a ‘*****’ was, and I used to think she was saying ‘hall’! I couldn’t get my head around the fact that this lady was being compared to a corridor.
Anyway, as a result, I spent far too much of my childhood harbouring my mother’s bitterness. I used to get very upset and it took a lot from my childhood, not to mention bring incredibly unfair on my dad. Fast forward 28 years and my mum is still on her own, still bitter, and my dad has re-married (although sadly not to the ‘hall’, who I actually quite liked). Ultimately, who has won and who has lost?
More recently, my daughter’s mother made the decision return to her controlling and violent ex. This individual has previously assaulted her in front of their children and kicked a pet dog to death. Each day I live in fear that something will happen to my little girl. If this man was as nice as your ex’s new partner, I would be overjoyed! Go easy on her. None of this is her fault.
Jack’s safety and well-being comes first. If you can, find a way to forgive your ex for what he did to you, and be happy for him. The only person this is eating up is you, and frankly you don’t deserve to be going through that turmoil! I guarantee that, in time, you will find that the burden will lift. Forgiveness and acceptance is a powerful tool. Focus on you and Jack; you said it yourself, you had a lucky escape. This poor girl could end up being another victim of his infidelity. Yes, the ‘routine’ part of parenting falls to you, but you are the ‘constant’ in Jack’s life. You are his stability, and that is worth more to him than anything else. And you can still do fun things with him! Remember it is not a competition. You are Jack’s mum – and nothing can take that away.
Don’t rush to meet someone straight away – it will happen when the time is right. Ditch the negative thoughts, and whoever meets you will be a lucky guy! 😉
We are all here for you.
Steve1 May 2020 at 6:20 pm #39543
Yes this is my ex as well. Jack has been counting down the hours today to go there this evening. What a surprise I have done all the school work and now its fun time at Daddy’s. I really am trying to not let this man have the better of me any longer, I deserve happiness too and I am trying to learn that in years to come Jack will be coming back to the constant in his Life and that is ME!!
Life I find is so hard at times and there are obviously a lot worse situations we could be in but this still hurts. I am hoping that it makes me a better and stronger person for it.
x1 May 2020 at 6:28 pm #39544
Thank you for your response.
Your reply has played on my mind for the last day or so and you are right. This situation is hard but it could also be so different.
The Girlfriend – No – none of this is her fault, but a tiny bit of respect for Jack’s Mother’s feelings would not hurt. I know that if this was myself in her shoes, I would be taking a step back when it came to someone else’s son and respect the Mums feelings. But this is where I am a different person to her and again this takes time to accept that not everyone has the same outlook as myself.
I am sorry to hear of your situation I can not imagine how hard that must be to see your daughter go off knowing what could be waiting for her Mother.
I am trying to just let this be what it will be, I know only too well that his Dad is like and I know that this will not last long. I just do not want My Son to grow up thinking his dads behaviour with women is acceptable. It is eating me up inside and I really am trying each time he goes to just focus on the time I get him back and nt think about what they are doing etc.
x1 May 2020 at 8:17 pm #39549
Hi new member here on the forum.
I can relate totally my ex husbands girlfriend of a year or so has been buying my kids for them to like her and with two teenagers of course they took the bait and love to spend time with her because they think they will be getting items that they want that I can’t afford to buy and won’t even if I did necessarily have the funds. ( things like trainers which are £180!)
The way in which I feel hurt is I don’t see my oldest son as he prefers to live with his dad but I also don’t get to spend any time with him as he’s been looked after by the “stepmum” I do feel a conversation needs to be had with their dad to sort it all out but she’s always there! And has been since lockdown as she doesn’t normally live at my exs.
Here to chat at anytime and make new friends 🙂1 May 2020 at 11:54 pm #39562
No worries at all. I hope you didn’t mind me playing devil’s advocate- it’s just that sometimes it is easier to see things more objectively from the outside. Ultimately, the end goal is for you to feel better about it 🙂
You’ve hit the nail on the head: we are all different and see things in different ways.
Perhaps in her mind, is showing you ultimate respect by welcoming Jack and involving him in her relationship with your ex (it can be horrible for children feeling left out and thinking their parent only cares about the new partner. Again- speaking from experience). From the sounds of it, I honestly don’t think she means any disrespect.
I was wondering. Do you think your ex would be willing to give you her number? Perhaps if you had a chance to chat to her and explain your feelings, you might be able to work something out between you? From the sounds of it, she would probably be horrified to learn that you are going through this, and I’m sure as an adult she would be open to the idea of talking to you. You would also get to hear her thoughts and fears too. Just a thought 🙂
I wouldn’t worry too much about Jack following in his father’s footsteps when it comes to ladies. He’s been through a family break-up and will know the effect it has on all concerned (again, speaking from experience). Plus he has a fantastic mother! Keep comms open with him, and create an environment whereby he feels confident to open up to you whenever he needs to. That way you can have that conversation later on down the line if needs be.
When he is with his dad, rather than thinking about what they are doing, think about things you can do together. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate; even making some cakes or having a film night. The memories you create with him will mean the world to him. Trust me – I’m already agonising over the possibility my daughter won’t enjoy coming to mine as it will be just me, whereas at her mum’s she’s got siblings and a ‘family’ environment. But then I think back to my childhood, and my happiest memories are times when it was just me and my dad (or mum).
Things will turn out okay. Trust me. Always here if you need to rant 🙂