THE MEDIATOR SAYS SHARED CUSTODY WILL NOT BE POSIBLE, …IS THAT TRUE???

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  • #43361 Report

    abaabek@hotmail.com
    Participant

    PLEASE HELP

    Me and my wife got divorced 3 years ago. Since then we have been taking care of our daughter 50/50.

    Recently my ex-partner decided to go to the court and I found out that she wants full custody and wants me to have my daughter only on alternative weekends. I am not happy with that obviously.

    After the first hearing we started mediation (my ex-partner had a mediator in mind already, so we used it). During the first session the mediator told me that: IT IS VERY UNLIKLY THAT THE JUDGE WOULD ALOUD MY DAUGHTER SPENDING HALF OF THE TIME IN EACH HOUSE. I was shocked. Is that true? He said the best thing for a child is to have one place only to call it home, and if my daughter has, for example, one week in each house (which is what I thought would be fair) it would be confusing for the her and I would be good for her development. The mediator suggested that is more likely that my daughter would go to live with the mother and I would only have a small portion of time.

    I have been doing more childcare of my ex-partner since my daughter was 1 year old (she is 7 now). We have a very very close relationship. My daughter has a little brother at my house that she absolutely adores. I am a very dedicated father and on my days she has breakfast at my place, I take her to school myself and collect her myself and I cook diner for her instead of using a childminder (the mum uses a breakfast club, childminder for collections from school and she collects my daughter just after diner).

    What I am trying to say is, how is possible that the justice would prefer my daughter going to a childminder if the father can do that job and she would be mega happy with me, with her little brother (and my partner, that my daughter loves)?

    At the same time, I do want my ex-partner to have 50% of custody (even though she does want to have it full)

    Please, I want some words of help. I can’t believe that the justice works like that?

    #43364 Report

    Afallingrock
    Participant

    Hi have to be honest but the court really could suggest your ex having full custody or even if you see your daughter every weekend. I’m in a similar boat with mine and trying to work it out aswell but I’m after full custody with mine because we live 400miles apart. Best thing you can do is make it clear you want your daughter as often as physically possible and hope it ends with good terms

    #43366 Report

    BellaS
    Participant

    If the pattern is already there I don´t believe that the Court will be happy not  to change it. Is the mediator bias?.

    I was on the opposite situation, we shared custody, we shared my daughter´s care 50-50, I just wanted to be with her one extra night and the Court said no but my solicitor was rubbish. They said that the pattern had been in place for 6 months so it was better for the child not to change. She spends half of the time in each house, we share custody and I am the mother. I was very unlucky as I said with my solicitor, we only went to mediation once and I am not British. I believe that it wasn´t good for me, my ex partner is British. My advice is: Try mediation as much as you can but I believe you could get what you want.

    #43388 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    As BellaS states, the courts will look at what is ‘the norm’ for your child. If you have this pattern going for a reasonable amount of time and the child is happy then there is no reason to change it.  The courts recognise that unfortunately, children are used in this way to gain financially by one parent or the other, ie, it gives way to a maintenance claim and additional benefits. Just keep all evidence that you have had this routine in place and  do not deviate from it until you have it secured in a child arrangement order. If your ex ever asks you to provide care for a sick child on ‘her day’ so she can work then again, keep a note of these dates.

    The mediators job is to produce an outcome that both parents can live with to avoid court presentation. It doesn’t mean they offer sound advice, and the outcome doesn’t need to be in the child’s best interest. That’s your job as a parent and saying no if you do not believe that the suggested outcome is good. Mediators are not representing you as a solicitor would or able to offer legal advice.

    #43400 Report

    abaabek@hotmail.com
    Participant

    <span style=”font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;”>I had the session with the mediator and he said, there is no way the judge will accept half custody. He said the judge will give the mum full custody and I will only have alternative weekends (4 days a month). The mediator said half custody is not good for the child. </span>

    <span style=”font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;”>If that is true, that would be so devastating for my daughter as she is 8 and she has been spending half of the time with me during the last 3 years and before that I used to do more childcare than my ex partner.</span>

    <span style=”font-size: 10pt; font-family: Verdana;”>I will speak to my solicitor tomorrow but I just don’t understand and I am so worried now.</span>

    #43401 Report

    abaabek@hotmail.com
    Participant

    After the session and had today with the mediator and my ex partner, the mediator said that there is no way the judge will accept half custody. He said it is too disruptive for the child and the child needs to have one home only and visit sometimes the other home. But I have been spending half of the time with her since we separated and before that I did more childcare than my ex so my daughter is use to that. We are so close I just can’t believe that now the law says that it is much better to live with her mum only, have breakfast with a childminder, droppings and collections with a childminder, spending the afternoon and diner with a childminder, I don’t understand and now I so worried.

    #43409 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    I don’t think you need to worry to the degree you are. My partner was in the same position as you, dad of 3 children and he secured 50/50 after his ex wife went for full custody suggesting he should have visitation for alternate weekends, plus one evening mid week. Whilst the judge wasn’t happy with his pattern of 3days dad, then 4 days mum, switching to 4 days dad, then 3 days mum on 2nd week, the judge said because it was historic then who was he to change an established pattern that worked and the children were used to. I really feel that if you’ve been doing this for a period of time and your daughter is happy, then why would they chAnge it?

    #43411 Report

    abaabek@hotmail.com
    Participant

    Thank you for your email. When was that? The mediator said that it used to be like that but nowadays the judges don’t agree with sharing the custody half/half anymore. The mediator said that but it doesn’t feel right, at all. My daughter won’t be happy with that at all. we have such a great relationship, I am a very dedicated father. She is only 7 but very mature and it will be devastating for her to have me on alternative weekends only.

    #43415 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    It was only 12 months ago, Aug 2019. I don’t believe your mediator to be correct and i do wonder what legal qualifications they have to recommend that you accept this offer. I always thought mediators were supposed to be non biased individuals who sought to find a solution that was workable for the parties involved.

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