The ex just won’t accept my decision

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  • #37838 Report

    LP1984
    Participant

    I wonder if anyone has any advice.

    ive recently separated with my husband of 13 years, (it’s been 6 weeks) we have 2 children together. He has moved out to his mums.

     

    but he won’t accept my decision. He has been tracking my phone and been quite open about that, he has used my son to try and find out information from me, he constantly messages me asking if I miss him or if I’ve been upset or if we can go on a date. He also messages my friends and family to see if they can tell him any info or relay info to me.

     

    Background, I have been unhappy in our relationship many times before and maybe this time last year was my strongest time where I thought I could be on my own. Then we tried counselling which did help for a few months but things quickly got back to normal.

    in the past the relationship has been very controlling and there has been a couple

    of abusive incidents but I would say it’s mainly manipulation and coercive behaviour.

     

    So I can now say I am not in live with him anymore without any doubt and I feel I have tried everything I could.

     

    right now I struggle with feeling bad for him as he isn’t in the same head space as me but I wish I could fast forward 6 months for him to be more accepting of this. He says things like if he was to find out I was seeing someone else he would do jail time, so I feel like even though we aren’t together he still has a control over me.

     

    i just wondered if there is any advice for this

    type of situation. My friends are like change the locks and ignore him etc when he is asking you things that arent to do with the kids but I find it difficult being so cold with him when inknow

    he is really struggling!

    #37842 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    No, he isn’t really struggling. He is a grown man who is tracking you and has threatened you.

    i agree with your friends. I’d also report his behaviour to the police. It needs nipping in the bud now.

    #37851 Report

    Hi there

    This sounds like a difficult situation to be in.  The agency that can give advice and tips is either Womens Aid or the National Domestic Abuse helpline.  Here are details for both:

    • National Domestic Violence helpline – for support with regards to historic abuse  Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

    • Women’s aid – https://www.womensaid.org.uk/  This is organisation runs the national domestic violence helpline, but their website may be able to offer you information

    Kind regards, Justine

     

    #38029 Report

    Kylejohn
    Participant

    He is only struggling because he has lost control I would change my phone but with the texting I would say to him if he isn’t going To talk regarding the kids then you are going to block his number til the next day and also don’t have conversation over the phone only speak to him via text it then leaves proof I was abused by my partner to the point I had to get the police involved when she has her supervised visits with our daughter I contact the police on non emergency number the day before to say thier could be an incident doing the visit I just want to make them aware and get a urn number aswell that has stopped the abuse from my ex

    #38110 Report

    moonflower
    Participant

    Hi OP

    I could have written almost every word of your post. So I really feel for you.

    I’m 8 months since seperation with only one child. And I’m still at the same point with my ex as 7 months ago.

    These kind of people use all methods of control and manipulation to find ways to get back into your life.

    I can only say try to keep your ex out of your life as much as possible. Have really strict boundaries in place that you stick to. Don’t get soft on your ex because he’s having a bad time.

    It’s hard with men like that. They are big babies (ironically my ex called me that occasionally to be patronising) and need other people to take the blame for their life situation. They struggle and need help. But we struggle too. Just somehow we manage and we get help. they need to find their own way to get help.

    If you can afford to get mediation. Which is what I’m on a wating list for.

    But also contact the domestic abuse help lines, as you mention abuse. Even coercive control is emotional abuse.  if you have not dune yet. It can be daunting but they exist to help people like us.

    Hope you’re coping ok.

    Stay strong.

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