Telling the children when my husband doesn’t want to

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  • #62920 Report



    I am in the process of separating from my husband of 11 years. We have 2 children (10 and 7)

    After a tumultuous 7 years I have decided I no longer want to be in a relationship with my husband.

    I made this clear to him several weeks ago. We have been discuss When and how to tell the children. We have pushed this back 3x over 3 weeks. We finally agreed to do it today. I checked in with him earlier in the week to make sure he is onboard with this. He said he was. I have just done so again and he has said he will but equally doesn’t want to give up on us.

    I feel I need to tell the kids. I am 100% sure if this decision and want to tell them now so it’s not too close to Christmas.

    am I being unfair to my husband forcing him to tell them?

    thoughts pls.

    #62921 Report

    Andrew uk

    How are you going to tell them? Are you both telling them? Both of them together? I don’t have much advice sorry but i hope it goes okay.

    #62922 Report

    Andrew uk

    Have a look at the posts in

    “Ex broke news of divorce to our son before school”.

    #62940 Report


    Hi – I actually posted the ‘Ex broke news of divorce to our son’ topic. So I guess my view might be slightly different… I’d probably ask yourself the reason why you want to tell the children? Are you due to live in separate houses soon? Will things be changing soon? If yes then there’s loads of good advice online on how best to break the news (calm, plenty of time, united front, being really clear, giving them time to process).

    If no changes are being made yet then maybe have a think about whether you need to tell them at the mo? If no changes due then will telling them make them confused and uncertain? For longer than they need to be perhaps.

    I think telling the kids is a really hard part of splitting up and I know diddly squat on it. I just know it’s painful. You have all my sympathies whatever you decide to do.


    #63152 Report


    Hi Zoe,

    thank you for your message and it’s good to hear someone’s perspective from the other side.
    My reasons around telling them were multiple.
    1 I wanted to give them as much time before Xmas to process and not have it affect Xmas.
    we will continue to live together until next year but I know Jan can be a very depressing time of year so wanted to get it done and start demonstrating to them that we can function and build a rhythm co-parenting together. I’ve read that it’s good to ease the children gently into this new way of being a family.
    2 My husband was struggling to accept this situation and so telling the kids forced him to accept that it is really happening. That makes it sound like I was using the kids. But an issue in our relationship is my husband doesn’t listen to my opinions or feelings and just carries on as if nothing is happening. Since telling him several weeks ago it’s like he has become more tactile and loving towards me than he would have been normally. I think this was very odd and confusing to be part of and confusing for the kids.
    This way we can build clearer boundaries and really start to have the difficult conversations around how this is going to work.

    we did actually tell them as agreed. We rehearsed what to say and sat down calmly as a family and I broke the news.

    it was horrible, the kids were distraught for a few hours. But it’s getting better. They are pleased we did it together. And I think they can see that this has been a very difficult decision but that we will still be a family but in a different way.

    my husband also appears to now accept the decision and moving on from fighting it to talking about how we move forward.

    I have no regrets.

    I did read your thread before. I really feel for you and your situation.
    how are things for your son now and how are things in general?


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