26 April 2019 at 8:05 pm #24204
After a awful 22 months littered with emotional, verbal abuse, threatening and controlling and aggressive behaviour (since my soon to be ex husband said he wanted to leave and I discovered he was in another relationship) we are finally nearly divorced with a financial agreement in place. We have both remained in the family home which has been awful, but I am being bought out so have plans to move in with parents until I buy a new home.
We had plans to tell the children and remain in the family home all together for a period to help them adjust (7-10 days) and say goodbye to school friends etc. But unfortunately after a couple of horrendous episodes I no longer felt safe in the house with him so have left (notifying school, solicitor and police).
I’ve been advised not to stay in the house with him but need to return to get my belongings and the children’s. I haven’t told the children as felt he needed to be there too. They think we are on a short holiday to my parents at the moment.
On Sunday I have suggested we return home, he takes them out for a pre arranged meal with his parents while I get all our stuff out, he will then return the children and we will tell them what is happening and drive back up to my parents.
Any tips for dealing with this for a 6 and 4 year old? For the 6 year old it will mean leaving her school (which she isn’t too keen on but obviously still a big change). They will return to the family home to see Daddy on alternate weekends. They love it at my parents and have already said they want to come back next week which will help.
I just don’t want to make it any harder than it is. I know in an ideal world we wouldn’t be telling them in this way but unfortunately his aggressive behaviour has caused me to fear being alone with him.
Any thoughts or advice appreciated 🙂26 April 2019 at 9:08 pm #24206
I think you’re going about it in the right way concerns the your children.
My mum was a nanny where the kids stayed with us and I’ve 3 younger brothers so I’ve always had kids around me. Apart from being a full time dad I’ve also trained as a TA in my sons primary school(due to giving up my business to be a dad) and one thing I’ve learnt is that at your childrens age their minds are so flexible, they will soon get used to the idea although I’m not saying that there will be ups and downs, they may find it an adventure and enjoy the changes. I know my son did, he once told me that he enjoys the way it is….2 lots of birthday presents, 2 bedroom, 2 completely different lives which he enjoys both, I live in the country which is pretty chilled and my ex lives in Bristol where there’s always something exciting going on.
Try not to worry about the kids, they will be fine, concentrate on getting yourself through this difficult time.
Mark27 April 2019 at 8:04 am #24211
i thought it was a reasonable plan but unfortunately their dad doesn’t feel ready to see them and has asked to wait until next week.
I am going to have to tell them something though – so was thinking of saying we are going to stay at Nanny and Grandads and be home schooled for a bit so we can have lots of adventures, but that we’ll go back and see Daddy next week. This would explain why I return with our stuff tomorrow. Then we can tell them about us splitting up when he is ready. Would that work do you think?27 April 2019 at 10:17 am #24212
I think that might be an even better way of doing things, the children won’t have such an abrupt shock to deal with.
Personally I’d use this time to lay the foundations of what’s about to happen, perhaps the odd chat about relationships and how they sometimes fail, I wouldn’t go too in depth though.29 April 2019 at 11:17 am #24271
I am pleased to see you are seeking help and support from others. I can recommend that you contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline as they should be able to give you advice and guidance on you removing the rest of your belongings.
Hope that helps. Justine
National Domestic Violence helpline – for support with regards to historic abuse Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/