Taking my life back after leaving abusive relationship

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  • #37299 Report

    Lila92
    Participant

    Hi everybody. I’m a 28 years old, Italian single mum of a 2 years old little girl. Unfortunately I’ve been victim of domestic violence for 3 years. I finally left that toxic situation one year ago but since than, I received very little support. I’m currently unemployed and living in a temporary accommodation from the council and I just want to take control of my life back again but it’s seems impossible. I feel “stuck”. Support workers closed my file as I’m no longer in contact with my abuser but failed to give any emotional and psychological help. The police took ages to investigate and hasn’t done anything about it yet. I have no support at all as I ended up being very isolated from my friends who are no longer part of my life and my family is in Italy and they’re also very toxic and never cared about me. I’m dealing with anxiety disorder and complex ptsd but I’ve been referred to counselling in places that don’t  have a funded childcare and I can’t afford to pay a babysitter so I had to give up on that. I really feel I need to see a therapist. I want to work again and study but arrange the childcare seems impossible. I can’t find a part time job as I’m not flexible with my hours or I don’t have the right qualifications and can’t go to college because Nobody can help me with my daughter. Also, the anxiety is eating me alive so I find it very hard to do anything. Even just answer the phone. I feel really lonely and I’m getting depressed. I don’t want to live in this way anymore. I want to get control of myself and my life back. Can anybody give me any advise on what I could do, please? Are there any benefits that can help me with the childcare costs or is there a way that I can finally go to counselling and heal from the trauma? I’m currently getting universal credit and I know that they will help me to pay childcare if I work but as I said, it has been impossible to find a part time job that works fine with nursery’s hours or childminder availability. I wish I could go back to college and study. Does UC helps with the costs of childcare for that? I really need to get my life back. I just want me and my daughter to be finally happy. Thank you everybody for reading this. Have a nice day.

    #37314 Report

    Dene465
    Participant

    Oh my goodness bless you. I really feel for you. You have been and are still going through it. I’m  just about to flop and to bed as 2 year old gets up early but I just wanted to open the door to dialogue even though I have nothing useful to blurt out at this time of night! You have goals and aspirations and that is a great start. Start small. Dream big.

    #37315 Report

    Resilience
    Participant

    Hi Lila92,

    First of all, well done and congratulations on getting out of an abusive relationship. It takes a lot strength and then some. I just got out of one about 2 months ago after experiencing physical and verbal abusive from my husband for the past year (we were together for 3.5 yrs and married for 2).

    With regards to the support that should be available to women in our situation, I completely agree that it is almost inexistent. I have been incredibly disappointed by how isolated you can feel once you’ve had the strength to come out of something so traumatic and with a child as well. I have a 9 month old too so I know how you feel. With regards to childcare so you could attend counselling, it’s very tricky because again there’s nowhere that can provide that. But look into something called the Freedom Project. It’s a group therapy programme that takes place in a lot of different parts of the country. Not sure where you’re based but they have crèche while you attend your sessions. I’m looking to start mine in April in London.

    Also there’s a charity called Advance who are very good with helping direct you to many sources of support, i.e. legal aid, housing etc so get in touch with them.

    With regards to childcare while you study, I have a friend who is also a single mum and goes to college 4 days a week and she gets free childcare for all those 4 days. The following website gives a lot of information on this aspect.

    https://www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/support-while-you-study

    Finally, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you leave your partner? Did you call the police on him or did you just break up with him?

    #37335 Report

    Lila92
    Participant

    Thank you very much to you both for the support.

    For Resilience- I looked into the website you suggested me. I haven’t found any Freedom Project but I found Freedom Programme instaed. Is that what you were talking about? If so, it looks very helpful for people who have been abused and need to clear their mind about what has happened to them and make sure they can prevent it in the future but I need more like professional help. I spent the last year dealing with my healing and my emotions and I know very well what has happened to me and why but I haven’t only experienced emotional and psychological abuse but also physical and sexual and as a result of that, I’m now struggling with complex ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) and the only way to heal is to sick professional help, perhaps along with medications. It has been impossible until now because I can’t take my daughter with me but in the meantime I want to build my life all over again. I want to be able to give to my daughter and myself the bright future we deserve. That’s why I want to go back to study, so I’ll have the right qualifications to find a good job.

    I’ve looked into the website about the childcare costs but it’s still not very clear as I’m currently getting universal credit and I’m not sure if that we’ll be affected. I think I’ll check to the citizens advise website. It might be more clear about it.

    Thank you very much for the advises and for taking the time to read.

    As for your last question on how I left my partner: I went to the police station and reported him than I went to the council that put me in an emergency accommodation. That’s what put me down even more. The fact that I reported him with plenty of evidence and after one year nothing has been done yet about it. I don’t feel safe at all. The system doesn’t work properly. It’s shocking. I completely lost my trust in the law and people. It feels really lonely.

    Thank you everybody for your time

     

    #37384 Report

    Sherinam
    Participant
    • I am not a particularly religious person and I dont like to shove God down people’s throats.
    • When my child was very very small we had no where to go so I took her to a baby group once a week and we made friends etc.. Through a church that ran free toddler and baby class
    • My child went to nursery and I went to work when she was 10 months but I missed how kind and friendly everyone was plus they had a crèche.
    • So years later I take my child to Sunday school and meet up with the old friends who are happy to baby sit for me if I asked. They also organise trips and lunches once a month.
    • My daughter has a nanny who we met through the church.
    • I am fortunate that I was not in an abusive relationship and am so sorry for the crap that you have gone through.
    #37467 Report

    Nikstq
    Participant

    Hi, just found this website and it’s nice to see other people have been or going through the same scenario as myself. It’s only been a week, but I have become a single mum of 2 girls, aged 3 and 4. I must admit it’s a very daunting prospect of what’s ahead.  I have left the abusive relationship and he was taken away by the police and remanded, now released with strict bail terms, inc no contact or communication with myself or kids, inc 3rd parties.  I will come to terms with all that in time but in the short term I need support for myself and kids.

    i have always worked full time shifts as a paramedic and not been short of money, but now I have quit my job, due to other circumstances too, so I am technically recently unemployed and single mum.  I am off sick but no pay, I live in a mortgaged property, this being £700 pm.  I obviously have no benefits in place as it’s only recent, I have registered today for UC and have been told this will be a month before receiving any money.
    The advice I am really wanting is; do I get any help with contribution towards a mortgage or will I have to leave the home with kids and get a rental property, is this the only way to get help with costs?

    thanks in advance

    #37485 Report

    Carmen
    Moderator

    Hi Lila92 and Nikstq

     I’m one of the moderators here –  please do contact our helpline on 0808 802 0925 – our advisers can talk to you about benefits and other financial help you’d be entitled to.

    Lila92  It sounds like you have been through a difficult time.  You have spoken about this as a very abusive relationship and the National Domestic Violence helpline may have some suggestions about coping when moving away from this type of relationship.  I am including their details and I hope this helps.

    • National Domestic Violence helpline – for support with regards to historic abuse  Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

    Best wishes,

    Carmen

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