10 November 2019 at 8:58 am #32754
Really need some support as I’m feeling quite alone right now. I’m a single Mum to three children, two of them teenagers living with me and one has left home (he’s in her 20’s). I divorced my children father a decade ago due to his infidelity and domestic abuse. He was controlling and that has continued in any way he can try to control since we separated. The divorce was horrendous and made very difficult by him. He has never committed to a regular contact plan with the children despite me trying to arrange this many time over the years. There have been many excuses from him as to why he cannot commit (I have of course saved all the evidence here). I tried the children seeing him without contact a couple of years ago which he did sporadically but at the start of this year he stopped without any explanation to me or them. I did get an explanation from him recently and that was that he hadn’t had much time with his new partner due to work and that had been the priority. This has caused ongoing issues for them over the years made worse by him not being appropriate or truthful with the things that he tell the children when he is with them or via text message. In the divorce, to provide stability for the children I walked away from his pension to have the house in full. He added in an agreement that if I move before the youngest child is 18 I would have to pay him a large sum of money from the proceeds of the house sale. This was to keep the children in the area for him to see them which is something he has never done since the divorce. I should also add that we live in the area that we do (S East) due to moving here for his job and that we are both professionals with him being very highly paid. I work full time.
My entire support network are in the North where I am from (Mum and Dad, sibling, friends and now my eldest has moved there). My children have meaningful relationships with all of the above and both would like to live back there. The cost of living is far lower which would mean that we could have a better life. Every penny I have goes on giving my children, he pays the basic amount via the CMA. As he is a high earner I have asked him to contribute more to enhance their lives but he refuses to do this. His partner also works and they now have another child together. I suspect that the lack of commitment to the children before that child was born was because they were holidaying and enjoying life and the lack of contact now is because they are busy with a toddler.
However, that leaves me being Mum and Dad with no respite and no support network whilst fitting in a full time job. I love this most of the time, am a strong woman and the kids and I mostly have a great relationship. I am often the brunt of the anger my middle child has towards the father but I get that. he feels secure with me. There have been some very emotional times where he has spoken to me about the hurt he feels and I know he knows it’s not my fault in his eyes from this. The eldest has a very negative opinion of the father and the youngest just doesn’t miss him as he has never been there. Usually it is ok, but sometimes I feel alone, tired and overwhelmed. I want to move back to be near my family for the sake of my children and for me. This would enhance all of our wellbeing and quality of life. I have approached him re the charge and of course it was used as control with him seeking access to my bank accounts, earnings etc to disect them. I didn’t agree to this. I have taken some legal advice which suggests that the evidence that I have to show that there is no meaningful contact from him, no support and the fact that the children wishes alighn with mine that we may have a good case to move without paying the charge.
I am going through a bit of a tired period where it all feels a lot to deal with. Starting up the process of moving is a big enough task in itself to contemplate without the thought of the added stress of me having to take him on regarding this agreement and the opportunities that will give him to try to control.
Anyone out there?!10 November 2019 at 10:04 am #32757
You need legal advice.
Could an alternative to circumnavigate the charge be to let out your home here and rent there? You’d presumably make more than enough to cover the mortgage and rent. Sit it out until youngest is eighteen? Plus you’d earn the extra equity etc.10 November 2019 at 10:17 am #32758
Yes .. Am here .. Feel you .
Am in Worthing and can understand your situation .
Myself + my 2, 18 + 19 yr olds had no choice but to leave the family home last year . It is an on going struggle to survive .
Happy to chat .
Aliska10 November 2019 at 10:31 pm #32771
I am in the South East too and all my family are elsewhere in the world. I know how you feel and what it is to feel overwhelmed, alone and not know where to turn. I live in Eastbourne and if we live close by, perhaps we could meet for coffee?
I had to take my ex to court for emotional abuse of our daughter, now 6, and may have to take further action on that. It is very tough.
Clock is a free legal advice service and there is a branch operating in Brighton. I found them very good when I was preparing to go to court.