suddenly single after 15 years

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  • #48720 Report

    Lostandsad
    Participant

    Hi all i hope this doesnt get deleted again…..

    Sorry its a long one.

     

    Ill do a timeline

    Got with husband 2006

    in between this i found he was on a dating site when i stayed at his and was fixing his computer. forgave him

    married aug 2009

    had son dec 2009 (traumatic birth)

    he threatened to leave many many times as he suddenly didnt like not being my number one and my son was now the first and foremost.

    had daughter april 2012

    got pre cancerous cells dec 2012 and spent xmas in hospital after i haemorraged.

    Sex was painful due to scare tissue so i rarley wanted it anymore

    found he had been sending inaproproate texts of his anatomy to other women about  a year later whilst taking a selfie to secretly put as his screensaver when he was going on nightshifts……and cheking it if it looked ok.

    went to marriage counselling where he refused to go after as the counsellor tried to see where he was in the wrong.

    carried on in which time he developed anger issues and was pretty nasty not to the point of abuse but would be nasty to my kids and after speaking to a counsellor she wanted me to be put in touch with a womans aid as she feared for my safety.

    In the meantime he hated the fact he didnt get enough sex and quite frankly didnt want to have it. We agreed that i would sort him out and that would be enough for him. so cue about 8 years of me servicing his needs once a week, for fear of him getting angry.

    If he didnt end up gettgin what he wanted he would sulk for days on end and it would be really really uncomfortable.

     

    put up with it for the kids but in my head, hope that when they are older i can have the guts to leave.

     

    roll on today when i went to create a new fb account (i had a bit of breakdown last week)

    and for some reason (and even he doesnt know the password) he was logged in on my phone. I thought it was my old fb account and started scrolling as i was confused. and i came accross that he had been on this site called playroom which basically is of women posing an getting men to slobber over them in various chat. My husband included.

     

    confrunted him and told him thats it.

    its over.

     

    now.

     

    Am i being too harsh?

    we have a shared ownership together and i know we will have to live under the same roof for a long time as neither of us an afford to part.

    Especially with covid being the issue as neither of us have a support bubble we can now enter.

     

    I am lost. hurt and sad. With no one to talk to.

    #48725 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    Hi.

    I am sorry to read of your unhappy circumstances.And I know what the pain,sadness and loneliness feels like.

    If you will ‘have to live under the same roof for a long time’-as you put it-what choice do you have other than making the best of a bad situation.Sounds like your marriage just kinda dwindled since your first child was born, and you may not like to hear this but it’s very common unfortunately.So from what I understood your husband didn’t like sharing you with your son….feel flattered!And it just went downhill from there.A traumatic birth doesn’t help and yes your husband will find other entertainment if you are not available.Anger,nastiness? Well it’s part of the human condition under these circs.You can either work really hard(not something many ppl choose),choose to forgive & fix this mess so you don’t end up even sadder,more hurt or as lonely as a lot of ppl on here.Or you can fight it out,nobody wins and the kids get caught in the middle.Take it from me.If you like maybe you could find a counsellor of some sort to advise you as it’s hard to think straight when you’re caught up in the emotions.Good luck.

    #48728 Report

    Lostandsad
    Participant

    thank you. thats good advise.

    i feel like have tried hard but like you say maybe i should give it one more go for the kids sake

    #48732 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    Hey.I feel horrible saying all above as it sounds harsh.It isnt,it’s just life.Don’t be discouraged,nothing worthwhile comes easy.There are so many people(usually happily married ones please note),who will say “what do you need the stress for,just dump him and run,you can do better bla bla”.Maybe yes,maybe not.But you haven’t mentioned anything really evil or abusive so maybe you might feel better giving it all you’ve got first….there was a reason you chose to marry each other surely,and it’s really so sad to throw it all away…

    #48745 Report

    Lostandsad
    Participant

    i hear you.

    I just feel that i am at my whits end and i am not happy and neither is he. we are both good people and if we could just be friends we would be the best of friends.

     

    I am going to look into counselling tho

    #48754 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    Its your life at the end of the day. Only you know all the details and therefore the best way to live it.

    You are prepared to share a roof with the man who shares your 2 kids,you have 15 years history,you are both good people,you are potentially the best of friends(acc to what you wrote)….If you were not married to him it would be odd! And here you are, saying if you could only annul this marriage you would be the best of friends.I’m perplexed.Perhaps it’s that piece of paper that really bothers you.It says Commitment.I rest my case.Good luck & be happy with whatever you decide.

    #48768 Report

    Lostandsad
    Participant

    Not at all. I just don’t want him trying to slide into someone else’s knickers? Nor do I want him getting angry when I am not wanting sex every week.

    We do get on and thats what’s cutting me.

    #48771 Report

    SarahSimm
    Participant

    I feel sorry for you. Stay strong! You will find your way out when the time comes.

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