Struggling with teenager

Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum Struggling with teenager

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #63442 Report

    Daisyboo76
    Participant

    Hi all, I’m desperate for help, my son is 14 his waste of space Father left us when he was 18 months old but was abusive (physically but mainly emotionally) to him when he was 4 it basically caused him to have a sort of breakdown and took me many years to get him through it. I met someone when he was 8 and thought he’d finally got a Dad sadly after moving in together he showed his truth colours as had anger issues and became jealous of my son & stopped talking to him, he was controlling me also. We left a year ago in September but since then my son has become increasingly aggressive with me refuses point  blank to do anything I ask especially when it comes to coming down for meals when I say, and mostly with going to bed, every night is a battle and tonight whilst I was watching TV he burst through the door and slammed his hands down on the sofa and got up in my face he made me jump and I yelled at him and swore, he laughed into a tirade about how I always yell at him and he doesn’t have to do as I ask. I told him to go away he then patronised me in a sarcastic tone, it doesn’t work that way we are in the same house and basically suggested I’m stupid. He’s been stood in his room waiting for me to tell him again to go for a shower, he finally went after alot of banging and crashing around which I wasn’t going to react to. He’s now stood in the bathroom. It can take nearly 2 – 3 hours for him to go to bed no matter what time I ask him to go up. He constantly talks down to me and makes me feel like the worst person in the world. I feel at breaking point, my mum just tells me to ignore him and not react but when he’s up in my face (he’s alot taller than me and likes to intimidate me by standing over me. I just don’t know where to turn

    #63469 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    Hello Daisy,

    I know it is like hell, because I have been there. Our son, he lived with me from the age of 14, after we moved out of the family home, had many similar traits. He has just left for Uni in September, and there were times when I thought I couldn’t handle his spite and lack of respect any longer. But we made it through, and he finished his A-levels with far  above average results.

    When I realized, he started to come off the rails, I made him my highest priority project. First I told him over and over again, how much I loved him and ( love bombing ) reserved a lot of time to spend with him. I was home every afternoon, cooked every day for him, always on time, helped him with his homework. Had breakfast with him every day and took him to our local athletics club, every Tuesday and Thursday evening. I did this for three months, no matter what. After three months he started going to the athletics club on his own, took off before me and when we had competitions on weekends he started travelling there on his own, mostly ignoring me. Ever since, he gradually became a keen athlete and won a few club championships, made it into the top 100 field runners and on his 16 birthday we gave him a gym membership which he used to humiliate me even more. So trying to find a field, where I could channel his desire to challenge me, into something positive, was one key point of success.

    Next was, pick your battles. As it wasn’t about power struggle, but about bringing him up without him coming off the rails, I reduced my interference in his matters. As long as his results in school were OK, I did not interfere with his personal life.  He could come and go as he pleased between 7am and 10pm. Usually I was in bed long before him, just made sure he got up in time for school. Whenever we met on a train or in town, I just let him ignore me. But I never missed any appointment with him, never missed a single parent evening, school activity, fun run or rugby game, Christmas event or whatever came up. No matter how hard he tried to show how much he despised me, he was always my highest priority. So in five years we didn’t miss a single event, and he only once did not have his homework. I had to trust him a lot, but in the end it was worth it.

    No alcohol and drugs at home. No alcohol when we were out and about with friends as long as the kids were around. I gave up on any person who could not respect this framework, once even a girlfriend.

    It is about love. He isn’t very proud about me, but he can be sure, I made him, to make me be proud of him. Which was very hard work.

    #63472 Report

    GingerbreadHelen
    Keymaster

    Hi Daisyboo76, I have a suggestion for support, so please look out for a private message from me. Best regards,

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)

Log in or register to reply to this thread

Log In Register