Struggling with single parenthood, loneliness and my 7 year old behaviour

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    Gee gee bee
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    Hi I’m new on here and hoping to connect with other single mums who are struggling – I feel so alone.

    I’ve basically been bringing my 2 boys up by myself for 17 years after 2 disastrous relationships. I had my first son when I was 21 and my second son 10 years later.

     

    I had a really difficult childhood hence why I have been drawn to narcisstic abusive partners who have been poor fathers. I have been single now for 4 years and don’t feel I need a man but I feel incredibly lonely at times.

    I have been lucky with my oldest that I’ve had no issues with him (other than suffering from allergies and chronic asthma and eczema that blighted his early years). He did really well at school and is now studying for his a levels. I never had any issues with his behavior or education.

    However its a different story with my youngest. I’ll be honest when I had my oldest I was not ready to be a mother and even though he’s OK, I feel an enormous amount of guilt about his early years when I was struggling with my mental health and in a violent relationship – I’m ashamed to admit i was a bad mother and due to suffering chronic PND for many years I had no bond with him and he spent a lot of time with my mother, who thankfully adored him. He has very little contact with his father who basically abandoned him after meeting a new partner – this makes me incredibly sad.

    When I had my youngest I had an instant bond him and at the age of 31 I felt ready to be a mother. I wish I could have had my kids closer together so they could have been friends and playmates 🙁

    I think I have over indulged my youngest to make up for my past. He is so stubborn and everything is a battle (I do think a lot of this is due to his nature as opposed to nurture but I don’t think I have helped matters)

    I work full time and dread the evenings in when we’re alone as everything is a battle. Homework, brushing teeth, bath etc EVERYTHING IS A BATTLE and I’m exhausted. He is massively stubborn which school have also noted. He does not like physical affection and rarely wants hugs and kisses – as a very tactile person this really upsets me but I know this is my issue and not his.

    It’s OK when I have friends round so he has someone to play with and after school until around 5pm he is with my mum and niece who he likes playing with.

    He struggles at school academically and is undergoing a speech and language assessment as he struggles to understand things and won’t talk about his feelings. He constantly tells be to shut up and calls me an idiot and I find this so hard to deal with. I think underneath his behaviour he has some anxieties – I don’t expect him to be perfect I just want him to be happy and show me some respect.

    I’ve found he’s only respectful of me when I’ve scolded him but I don’t want to be doing this all the time.

    I’ve recently started therapy as I know I have my own issues and I’m hoping this will help.

    How can I learn to understand my son and what he needs? I tell him constantly I love him and that he is special – he is such a quirky child and has so many qualities.

    It is so lonely as a single parent – none of my friends are single but I know in some ways I’m extremely lucky. My youngest sees his dad 6 times a month so I get time to spend with my friends etc which I know many single parents don’t have.

    Any tips?

    Xx

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