Struggling with moving on
12 August 2018 at 4:47 pm #14420
Im after some advice and some hope of these feelings passing
I split up with my husband 4 months ago, we were together 17 years and have two beautiful girls 2&4. Over the past 12 months we had become more friends than husband and wife and had drifted apart and lost our spark as they say. Things weren’t bad by any means but we are in our early 30s and both said that it wasn’t fair to each other to stay feeling this way at a youngish age. We both felt the same and decided to have a temp split which then turned into a permanent split. We said we would give it some time and see if things changed. A month or so later I asked him to come home and try and give it another go but he said he didn’t see a way back for us. He said it was nothing to do with me personally but he didn’t think it would work and he didn’t want to half arse it and make things worse for us. I was absolutely heart broken and felt 17 yrs together was worth fighting for but he just didn’t want to try. I’ve since found out he has a girlfriend which he started dating 2 weeks after we split so no wonder he didn’t want to come home. I’m really struggling to move on and I still want him back but I know that’s not an option for him he’s all loved up. I’ve lost my Husband but also my best friend. I’ve grown up with him and had so many happy years. I genuinely thought some space would do us good and we’d get back together but he thought different. I hate the feeling of being alone and I’m trying to go out with friends and put on a brave face but it’s just not helping. Someone suggested going on a date but I have no interest in dating someone when I’m still hurting so much. I was hoping these feelings would get easier but Im 4 months on and I feel the same if not worse now I know he’s got someone else.13 August 2018 at 2:55 pm #14458
Aw honey, you can’t move on until you let go. I’ve been there, like a gazillion others.
If he started dating 2 weeks after a split from a 17 year relationship that includes two children, then he is in a completely different headspace. Nothing you say and nothing you do is going to change how he feels. At the moment he is in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship with someone who doesn’t know all of his stories, he doesn’t have the restrictions of marriage and parenthood. There is no mundane for him now, it is all exhilarating and exciting. You cannot compete with that. Where you are and where he is are poles apart. I’m not saying this to be cruel but hopefully to ignite a bit of anger on your behalf. It’s disrespectful that it is so soon and equally disrespectful that you ‘found out’ rather than him being honest. You were owed his honesty and he should have told you the real reason he wasn’t coming home.
You are not alone. We invest so much of ourselves in the relationship with our partners that when they are no longer there we feel alone and lost. You have two beautiful girls, you have family and friends and whole communities that you can be a part of. 17 years is a long time and will take some adjustment but your story is not unique and you know what the next stage is…..you will start to feel better, you will start a build a new life, you will start to find happiness and joy and you will start to heal. That will usually coincide with the end of his honeymoon period, when life has become a bit more realistic for him and he will look at you and wonder if he has made a mistake. What you do then is up to you.
Heartbreak is the pits, pain like no other. But we get through it and when we do we are changed. We are stronger, kinder and more appreciative but we are also aware of our own worth. 4 months is no time at all, particularly as it was such a long relationship that began when you were so young. The feelings will get easier and be kind to yourself in the process. What would you advise to one of your friends if they were hurting in the same way and then take your own advice. Your life, against your wishes, is changing irrevocably. Don’t date if you don’t want to. I did that and it made me feel worse and lonelier. If you want to cry then cry. If you want to scream into a pillow then scream into a pillow. Then get outside and wear your brave face until the time comes that you realise its not a brave face anymore its just your face. It’s hard work but you can do it. If you feel overwhelmed then come on here or get help to talk it through. Please please don’t think you are alone. You are in a transition phase and its awful and I wish I could show you a video of yourself in the future smiling and feeling happy because you will, its just a crap journey going through the super tough times to get there. xx13 August 2018 at 5:27 pm #14472
Big hugs to you. My husband wants to go and is also in a very different headspace. He has a new job and a new look etc. We have 2 kids and he is still in the house sleeping in a separate room. Im going to see a counsellor tomorrow as I cannot cope. Have you thought about calling a local counsellor to chat about things to help you through. I tried to call the Samaratins today too, I know it sounds desperate but there is always someone there to speak to too. Anyway. Keep going and you will get there. Take Care.13 August 2018 at 11:30 pm #14501
My wife left a few months ago after 28 years, for a 21 year old she works with, leaving me with 5 children. I cant put it any better than Nicolamotherof2, but it does eventually get better, this site as been a godsend, there is always someone to talk to who understands. Take each day as it comes and take care. Im always happy to chat.
Alan15 August 2018 at 2:56 pm #14573
I have just separated from my wife, with whom I spent 25 years with.
It’s difficult to do so, but as long as you have attachment, you will struggle to move on.
I am in the process of rediscovering myself spiritually and this has had a massive impact on my life and happiness. I live a karmic lifestyle, governed by the law of attraction. In do this, I have had to travel deeply inwardly, to find out who I am and what I want and in doing so, I have detached from the negativity anchors that have been holding me back.
You will be okay Gemsy, you will find love again, but look inwardly for it first and then you attract what you project.
One last thing, is talk about it, it’ll help the healing process. 🙏🏽 ❤️16 August 2018 at 9:15 pm #14684
Gemsy, let me start by saying am sorry things turned out the way they did.
However, I urge you to let go and focus on yourself. you don’t have to date if you’re not ready to do it yet, your heart will and instincts will guide you, you won’t even know it until it is happening.
It’s not worth looking back and reliving some unreciprocated love life, that will only cause you heart ache. Believe me, I’m a single dad however, our relationship breaks are different as yours appears to have been a good relationship that one person went adrift, mine was just unhappy 14 years sometimes abusive marriage.
Be strong coz you’re and don’t be upset about him, let him go and live your life, otherwise he’s always gonna be casting a shadow on you.
Richard16 August 2018 at 9:49 pm #14688
Thank you all for the reply’s and I’m sorry you guys have been through or are going through this it’s sucks. You have given me hope and some very sound advice which I very much appreciate. Ive come to the conclusion that it’s not actually him I’m missing so much but the relationship and what that gave me. But like you have said I need to let go in order to move on. I’ve got two little beauties to help me get there and keep me going.
Gemsy xxx18 August 2018 at 9:53 pm #14760
I always thought me and my partner would get old together and have our grandchildren constantly around our house when they were old enough.
To me that was all I ever wanted in life. Unfortunately she moved to her parents house saying that I’ve done nothing wrong it’s her who has changed and walked out leaving me with our two children.
She acts like a 20 year old reliving her youth without a care in the world.She was a fantastic person but now is cold and heartless.
I have custody of the children but due to the court agreement I see her most days .I can’t seem to let go even though it’s been years and a half. Just want to cuddle her but I know it’s not me she wants anymore.
I totally understand what your going through and something I think what did I do to deserve all this pain and upset.18 August 2018 at 9:54 pm #14761
Forgot to mention we were together for 17 years.19 August 2018 at 10:43 am #14782
What I seem to do now is make myself busy when I’m alone to stop thinking about her.
Believe it or not housework is a god send.Dont think the place has ever looked so tidy until kids come home lol.19 August 2018 at 2:26 pm #14784
Hi Gemsy, in exactly the same place as you, together for 17 years. Husband says he wants to leave 4 weeks ago but stays “to help only” as we have 4 children and I have stage 5 kidney failure. Then I discover he has been seeing somebody else. Then we have a fight and I end up getting punched in the head. He has gone now. It is just awful without him, the loneliness, the responsibility of looking after the children ALONE. It’s silly little things like getting rid of a spider! I just can’t understand how a human being can just up and leave. Keep chatting on here, it helps me so much to read that it is not just me going through this! X19 August 2018 at 11:06 pm #14800
Oh wow, I’m surprised at how supportive and relateable this forum is. My partner and I separated after 12 years together, we have two wonderful children. I would echo a lot of what has already been said. It’s incredibly difficult but as you say yourself, you are still young enough to enjoy your children, social life, work, holidays, etc. It’s okay to feel down and of course get onto the forum and chat.
For what it’s worth, I find exercise helps. I was having an incredibly sad/lonely monent this afternoon. Once the kids were in bed, I went on the exercise bike for nearly an hour. It distracted me and made me feel better 🙂
Take care (everyone) x