Struggling. Want the pain to end.

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  • #7384 Report


    Im really struggling. I’d been with my husband for 12 years and 4 months ago found out he’d been having an affair, with a mutual friend, for the previous 6 months. I had to leave our home as he refused and find myself and our 4 year old son somewhere else to live. My husband has got everything, house, car, furniture, money, and left me with nothing. He doesn’t even want me back and is still seeing this “woman”.

    I’m so heartbroken and have thought about suicide so many times in the last 4 months. I’ve spoken to my GP, CPN, counsellor, friends… all day it will get better with time but it’s not. The pain is unbearable. I miss him so much even though he is a disgraceful human being. I feel so worthless that I wasn’t good enough for him when I never once put my feelings ahead of his or my son’s.

    I really need some advice. This feeling of ending it all because of the pain is too much, to difficult to keep bearing each time it comes back. And before anyone starts down the “what would happen to your son route”, my twisted mind has that figured out, he’d come with me. I need to protect him too and he isn’t safe without me.

    I know how awful this sounds, and I cannot deal with these thoughts in my head any more, if anyone has any advice on how to get through this I desperately need it. I don’t want to harm myself, or my son, but I can’t cope with the thoughts that I should. Please help me.

    #7390 Report


    Elsie what can I say to this that will make you feel better, I genuinely promise you that it will get better. It’s a process and it won’t happen overnight. You’ll have good days and bad. A wise old elf (mum) once told me that it’s the memories you’re in love with, those that you created together not the prat that treat you in this way, he wasn’t the man you believed he was otherwise he wouldn’t have made the decisions he did xx today is the beginning of your next chapter where you can work towards a future that consists of you and your son, you have to show your son that mum will take care of him and provide a future that he doesn’t need to worry about, one where he feels safe, massive hugs to you, if you need to chat to someone not attached to your situation then feel free to message any time

    #7391 Report


    My ex left me after 13 years, it left pain that I’ve never experienced in my whole life. We were best friends, so close, never argued. Our relationship was secure and happy. But exactly one year after adopting our daughter she left for someone else. The pain was unbearable.

    All I can say is that each day gets slowly, very slowly better. It’s been a year now and things are looking brighter. You never forget the good times but focus on your little one. He is your new best friend. Time is a healer, just keep focussed on keeping your son happy and settled each day and you will eventually start to feel better yourself.

    You will get through this.

    #7396 Report


    Elsie310 I know exactly how you feel my ex left me and our 2 boys last Feb we had been together 15 years he left for someone he worked with and still with her now. It is really hard for months u feel all different emotions hate anger sadness emotional bitter jealous everything but I am obviously nearly a year on and I feel strong and have an unbreakable bond with my 2 kids they have helped me through this as u have to be strong for them don’t give home the satisfaction of breaking down you are worth more than that anyone can do this to there partners and children is scum that was his second affair and that’s what has made me stronger but I promise it DOES get better I know that’s what everyone says and u need to start believing them big hugs xx

    #7397 Report


    Hi there elsie310,

    Thank you for sharing your situation with our community of single parents and we’re so sorry to hear you’re going through such a difficult time. You’re not alone and we hear you. It’s so important that you reach out for help and get the right advice and information to help you through this tough time. You and your boy deserve to feel safe and well. Just to let you know, we’ve dropped you an email.

    Please continue to use our forum if you find it useful to get support. It’s great that you’re chatting with others about things.

    Take care.

    Best wishes,

    Poppy at Gingerbread

    #7399 Report


    My husband left me after 18 years of marriage I was totally devastated its now been just over year half now going through the divorce, it’s the worst emotional pain I have felt. I am looking after our 2 girls 13 and 16 it’s been an incredibly tough time. The thing I hold on to is how amazing my girls are I have to keep going for them they need me. If in a very bleak day one thing has made me smile or even laugh I hold on to that. I still take it one day at a time, we are worth happiness and believe we will find it again.

    Look after yourself xxxx

    #7406 Report


    Thankyou everyone for your kind words. The pain is just so unbearable at the moment, but I owe it to my son to make his life the best it can be despite his father. It’s remembering this in the darkest times. Thanks again to everyone xxx

    #7408 Report


    Dear Elsie,

    I am new here but saw your post and although still working this site out, felt that I had to reply. I have been, and sometimes still feel where you are. The process is like grieving. It is not linear but a movable feast with smalls ups and major downs and then starting again. My husband left me almost two years ago with our one year old and three year old daughters after I found out about his affair with one of our employees. Heartbroken is an understatement. I had never realised or felt actually pain in my heart before – my body was wrecked, I actually felt physical pain in my chest. There were days when I wanted to take my own life and my children along with me and I couldn’t tell anyone how bad I really felt because I was scared someone would take the girls away from me. I am still not divorced and going through two horrendous court cases and some days, I feel like back at square one again.

    I only have one regret and this is the advice I can give you tonight – one thing that I allowed my husband to take away from me is time with the girls – the last few years,  I’ve been with them but my head has been elsewhere. I couldn’t stop my husband from cheating, leaving or treating us so badly since, but I could have changed my reaction and looking back I would have dealt with it so differently . I wish that I had not missed so much of these special early years with my children – so my advice is that, whilst the dark days are perhaps not over yet, they will get fewer and further apart and when you are able, embrace your son, pour every bit of energy you have into him. Love him, let him be your focus and let his love pull you through x x x

    #7684 Report


    Hi Elsie

    How is today?  Better than yesterday I hope. Your post has helped me to post so thanks!   you have guts and determination by posting and that is where you need to dig deep with those qualities. 4 years after my husband left I still had strong feelings of loss & incredible lonlieness but something happened with my child to snap myself out of it. i felt all the things you felt & was ashamed to feel them but ive learned don’t rush being happy take your tine. If you wantvto scream do it! everything youre going through makes you a little bit more confident each day that you can handle all you have.  Thanks for posting. I really wish you well.

    #7750 Report


    I too am in a similar postion.

    My husband of 10 years (been with for 15 years) had been having an on off affair for 2 years with a woman at work . He made so many promises that it was over but finally last week ended our marriage over whatsapp.

    I haven’t spoken to him since.

    I have 2 children , one with Autism.


    I have never felt so broken in my whole life. I cannot even function. That man was my everything and I miss and love him so much.

    The children are in bit. And I just spend my time stalking his bank account etc wondering what him and her are doing . Slowly torturing myself.

    I this is the end of my life if I am honest. So much of my happiness was wrapped up in him.

    #7751 Report



    How you are feeling now is normal 15 years is a hell of a long time same as me married 10 with 15 years you can’t switch those feelings off overnight but I promise you will I would have taken my ex back again it took me probably 2-3 months to loose those feelings for him and now I wouldn’t if he was the last man on earth.

    It’s so heartbreaking the first stage and everyone says it will get easier and better and I can honestly say believe them because it’s true.

    Take every day as it comes and focus on you and the kids and they will keep you busy and help you get through it. Don’t worry about doing everything and sorting everything all at once sort the important things and everything else just comes.

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