Struggling to see how I will ever get through this

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  • #42337 Report

    Louandthelads
    Participant

    Hello,

    I’m hoping somebody can relate to my situation and chat about it to ease the hurt and loneliness.

    I have an amazing 2 year old and gave birth 6 days ago to another amazing little boy, I was on cloud 9!!! Fast forward to my newborn being 4 days old I noticed my partner wasn’t himself so I asked when he was so down, his response was that he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore as it wasn’t working! Total shock and not what I expected to hear so soon after giving birth. I’m literally broken and if it wasn’t for my two boys I think I would have run away as soon as I heard this! He says we are more like friends and it hasn’t been right for a while and he has spoken to his friend and parents about it the day I gave birth as that is when he finally realised. I agree we haven’t had the best relationship for a while but I just assumed this is what happens when you have kids and you lose intimacy etc. That was definitely from my part, I just wasn’t interested in being intimate with him and I think deep down it was because I knew the love had gone but I just plodded on because my little family unit made me happy, I know this was probably wrong.

    he wants to stay in the house for 6 months to help out with the kids and also bond with our baby son. I have agreed but said the minute it is uncomfortable for me he moves out. It is only day 3 and I already feed awkward and strange, he is in the spare room but all other aspects of our life before this have remained the same. Like he wants to do stuff the 4 of us together for the kids sake which i totally get but it is just a horrible feeling deep down inside which I can’t shake no matter how hard I try. I feel like such a failure and embarrassed that I didn’t see this coming and have to face people. I can’t bare the thought of him moving on in time, which I know he will and me being left here raising two kids the majority of the time lonely when they’re in bed on a night because I’m unable to move on myself. I really struggle to let my guard down and love somebody deeply, he was the only person I could do that with and I haven’t had a long term relationship other than this one.

    Sorry for the huge message but I just wondered whether anyone can give me any advice on how to deal with all of this and keep my head above water.

    Thank you

    x

    #42340 Report

    Graceymay
    Participant

    I’m so sorry Lou to here this x I dont have any advice really but while maybe you living together isnt the best? He really is having his cake and eating it he gets to play happy family and then decide when he wants to go!!

    You will not be able to move on with him there. It will give you false hope and if he moves out he may actually have to face the reality of his decision  and he will see that the grass may not be greener on the other side! Maybe you 2 need to be apart for him to appreciate what he has.

    I’m currently 37 weeks pregnant and my ex walked out on me when I was 9 weeks and I havent heard from him since and yes some days I cry but I definitely feel stronger living my real life and not a make believe.

    You are stronger than you think and maybe time apart will bring you together or it will show you that you weren’t actually happy together

    #42342 Report

    Louandthelads
    Participant

    Hi Gracey,

    thank you so much for taking the time to reply and I’m sorry to hear of the situation you’re in, pregnancy is hard enough never mind having that to deal with. Not long now and your beautiful baby will be in your arms!

    Do you think I should ask him to move out even for a couple days whilst I get my head around the initial shock? He said today his friends house will be available to rent in 6 months time so can move in there then, he would go to his parents or brothers in the meantime if our living situation didn’t work out! I don’t want to spite him or deny the children spending time with their dad. Am I being too soft tho? I just don’t know what to do for the best.

    lou x

    #42343 Report

    Louise1980
    Participant

    Hi from another lady called Lou. I am in similar position my husband divorcing me I am very low we had baby last year I was living in America but back in UK now

    #42346 Report

    Louandthelads
    Participant

    Hi louise,

    so sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation, it’s so horrible!

    if you want to talk you can Message me any time, if you can do it on me here! I only joined this morning so not too sure!

    lou x

    #42348 Report

    Graceymay
    Participant

    Hi Lou,

    You have to think of your needs too hes staying out of convience..if the flat had been available now would he still have waited 6 months to move out?

    Have you asked him about counselling? It seems that it was a very knee jerk reaction from him…

    At the moment your going through abreak up but how can you process that if hes still there? It will mean in 6 months time you have to go through it again and at that state your 2 year old and the baby will both recognize his absence because they’ll both be that bit older

    #42350 Report

    Louandthelads
    Participant

    Hi Gracey,

    Before he knew the flat was available he said he would still like to stay for 6 months if I could manage that as he believes he needs to be there for the two boys. I know it probably isn’t the best thing for me but I’m trying to work out what is best for the two of them. But I also don’t want my health to suffer if he stays as that will have a knock on effect on them.

    when he initially told me I asked if he wanted to try and go for counselling but he said he feels like we’ve said we would try in the past and it never worked and so he doesn’t see the point as he thinks there’s no going back and the relationship has just run it’s course. He says he loves me so much but can’t see how he can be with me as it’s not making him the happiest he could be.

    i think that is why I’m struggling coz things haven’t really changed that much yet as he is still here, it does feel weird and strange tho and I’ve had a couple of cries today when we have spoken about stuff.

    lou x

    #42354 Report

    HappyMum41
    Participant

    Hi

    When I read your post it sounded so much like my situation I felt I had to comment(apart from I hadn’t just had a baby congratulations)

    Your husband sounds exactly the same as mine and we lived together for 4 months after he told me it was over and them 4 months were awful not in the sense of us living together but knowing he didn’t want me anymore and still doing family things and everyone thinking we were still together I couldn’t do it in the end and asked him to leave

    Fast Forward to a year and a half later and I’m still standing it’s been tough and still is sometimes but I’m happy and came to realise I wanted the family unit just not him and maybe in time you’ll see that too

    I’m here if you want to msg me but just wanted to let you know you can do it xx

    #42355 Report

    Louandthelads
    Participant

    Hi Happymum,

    thank you so much for taking to the time to reply.

    And Thank you for the offer to message you, I will do that now.

    lou x

    #42518 Report

    Sarahmc31
    Participant

    Hi,

    I have just come across your post and wanted to send all my positive thoughts your way.

    Your situation Sounds very similar to mine- my husband walked out 12 days after I gave birth to our much longed for child. I knew he was struggling with his mental health for a few months and had tried to be so supportive but it turns out I was just naive and there was more going on behind the scenes. This happened two weeks after lockdown began and he suggested he stay to help with the baby. I said no and it was honestly the best decision. Whilst some days I’m fine, other days I don’t know how I am going to make it through. Doing it alone has forced me to be stronger than I ever thought I could be and I am much happier for it. 16 weeks on there are now more better days than bad. Take care of yourself and put you and your babies first- you three are the most important. If you ever want to talk then I’m here x

    #42519 Report

    SingleT
    Participant

    Hi

    I am now divorced, 2 1/2 years down the line from when my husband walked out. The one thing in your message that resonated with me is you’re trying to do what’s best for your children (which makes you an amazing mom).

    Make yourself strong. Your children need you. They are too young to understand what’s going on, but they will pick up on the vibes in the house. Also, my son was 13 when his dad left and it broke him. Although personally it would have been difficult to cope with a young child, I would have preferred that as my son would have grown up knowing no different.

    whatever you decide, take care. You are stronger than you think x

    #42521 Report

    Alexa34
    Participant

    Hi,  just wanted to say you are not alone.

    The twins dad walked out one afternoon and went off with a women he had been seeing behind my back for months and months. The boys were three months old and his son who is physically disabled was on an operating table at the time.

    Even though it hurt and still hurts. I am glad he has gone and doesn’t bother me and my boys anymore.

    Just take each day at a time, don’t rush. Go through the emotions. At first it is the worse feeling ever but over time it becomes less important and you begin to see the man they really are.

    Here if you need to chat.

     

    #42725 Report

    Maddeedee
    Participant

    18yrs 5 bouts of IVF adopted 2 beautiful children, he cheats on me with an unemployed 32 year old with 3 children all different dads and did I mention her children have been taken into care and she has not been allowed to see them for about 4.5 years. I found out about them about 18 months ago when I found hotel receipt he claimed they were friends apparently he saved her being beat up by last child dad and he realized he needed a hug more than she did.  For months  it was he loved me and but we had become like brother and sister, he swore it was only a friendship she had beat cancer 3 years before his sister died at that point had died 3 years prior.  He sure to me if anything changed he would tell me. Fast forward 3 months after I call her up she tells me they were in a committed relationship and he had told her there was nothing between us and we were together for the kids.  Somehow he remained in home for 8 more months going between he was looking for a place/getting house with his mother. In Sept he claimed he was prepared to sacrifice for the kids to give them the family they deserve and he would end it with her………….less than 2 weeks later he was lying about going to work and was with her.  He was my best friend and I wanted to believe the B.S he was feeding me thinking he was going through midlife crisis were both 50 but in my heart of heart I knew he was just a worthless liar maybe he always has been. My point is we know the truth about what were seeing in our partners we just hang onto hope.  You know what you should do but are just to scared to fo it.  I kicked him out the day I found out he had gone to see her remember he loved his kids more than anything it one and couldn’t stay away from her for 2 weeks anyway that was 10 months ago he has a good job but is still homeless sleeps on moms couch and by hers some nights always seems on the edge of broke which is odd because shes on benefit and lives in tower block so it makes no sense to me as to what’s going on.  He sees our children several times a week it still kills me I dont think I will ever get over it I still cry almost everynight I don’t believe I ever knew him.  She told him some vile things happened to her daughter and that she was killed and abused by foster carers on a day we took the kids to see a pantomime I told him it was bs of course he defended her fast forward of course it’s not true she tells this ass she was tricked into believing this happened becsuae he received a call from someone claiming to be social services “someone probably me”, he turned his mother against me because I spoke to her in confidence about the fact he was seeing someone else whatever it was he told her worked as have not heard a word since Dec 2018.  And did I mention she calls me, police issued a do not contact order for her, and I found out she never had cancer!!!!  I believed that when he found out she lied about this he would come back repentant and we would fix our relationship as I played s part in its demise. 10 month later and not got his own place, still involved with her and I have yet to receive a genuine apology for what our family has been through.

    Parents should fight for their family not treat family as an option! He does not deserve us, my head knows this but heart breaks/,longs for him dispite the disrespect how pathetic am I.

    Your enough dont let him be comfortable until he is ready to go, he couldn’t wait until you recovered from bith if your child yet your supposed to wait until hes ready…was he that considerate of you?

     

    I know I sound bitter but it’s not bitter its seeing the obvious that we chose to ignore.

    #42726 Report

    Louandthelads
    Participant

    Hi Maddeedee

    So sorry to hear what you have had to go through. I hope in time it gets better for you.

    he has now moved out, I couldn’t do it any longer even though the support with the kids was a help, I have family to help until I get into a routine with the baby.

    lou x

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