Struggling to let go I don’t want to I only want him but I know he’s not good fo

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    Fryeye
    Participant

    I met my now husband when I was 17, I fell pregnant when I was 18, looking back I thought I was the one to change him, I didn’t know what I was dealing with properly though. We fell… or I did hard. We battled many battles. Me trying to help him with a drug addiction. While working full time nannying with a 4 week old until 7pm, just to hand the money to him (I was so lost and had no friends and post natal depression) I could t handle the mounting debt so I handed my wages over. I struggled for years. I didn’t even have enough money to but toilet roll at times. It was all him. He’d go out all weekend and I’d wait for him. Sometimes he’d turn his phone off and not come back for a couple of days…. we had to move in with his brother and sisters in law with a tiny baby for a while because the money was being spent elsewhere. I didn’t talk to anyone I didn’t want than thinking Anythjbf bad of him. So I kept everything to myself. He proposed on xmas day. In an alcoholic rage he’d told me he was going to propose (we had an argument and ge said “ and I was going to propose to you tomorrow morning. As usual I didn’t want to argue so I eventually got to sleep and he’s proposed the next morning, I of course said yes. We had to leave his brothers because of his up and down moods and lying. We moved. I found out around f this time he had pawned his wedding ring without me knowing. He had a payout from something. We both had. Thousand or so… mine went towards debt, his… he lied and said it hasn’t come. It had and he’d spent it on weekends out while we still had nothing. No friends,no money. IsolAted from family coping with jt on my own. He would go out every single weekend. I said nothing he convinced me that it was his right because of the job he was in. I didn’t go out very often. I did with my friend Emma At the start but looking back he’d always find a way of coming along. Even on girls nights. There was a time after birth my first night out and he somehow came and got to drunk he was throwing up and I had to stay sober for the baby. If I planned to go out he would make it so hard and make me feel so guilty. Before we got married he told me he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore. He ripped out weddinf invitations up. I was so confused??? We had an amazing wedding except that he’d been up all night and still drunk from night before. Then the honeymoon wow what a memory it was perfect. I fell pregnant on that honeymoon (it was planned silly I know now) he started to go out more with bad crowd, he never wanted to be intimate with me. He went out and got smashed all the way up to my due date. One night he came home so drunk. We had a row while I was prfnant and he made me sleep on the floor. Another time in the pregnancyhe swallowed lots of tablets (not because he was  suicidal but he knew he’d get a reaction. I called an ambulance in desperation thinking he was going to die. I called his dad over and his dad told me I shouldn’t argue with him when he’s drunk. He was putting the blame on me. His parents did that about everything. I tried confiding in his mum once about the money and his Being out all the time. She told me maybe I should make more of effort Around the house to make him happier. I tried confiding in her about the drugs he took at the time. She literally ignore it and never spoke of it again whilst I booked meeting and therapists for him. Turns out he didn’t go. My pregnancy’s have some of the worst memories. When we had my youngest something seemed to change. He was there more, he seemed to enjoy my company. We started going out together not just him. We moved to. New house. Things were amazing. Then things changed. We could t afford our house the landlord wanted us out. (His daughter my oldest friend had vouched for us we’ve never spoke since. Things got so bad we had one more option to make this work. Within two weeks I had left everything u had ever know . A close family to move half way across the country. London to Cornwall. Of course his mum blamed me. We started a new life but I was badly depressed. I was so lovely he still went out and did what he wanted and I was jealous of him. Again that ended badly with us getting into more debt. We finally moved where we are now and I got a job. I threw myself into new things out of my comfort zone and found myself. I found a best friend. Alan didn’t like this and I could never go out. One time he made a scene in front of everyone because my friend had mention me going out. He had g made any new friends but I had. I still couldn’t go out. He cried and told me to get him used to going out by calli f him and not being out past certain times but he slowly started to go missing For weekends but I had to still to the rules on rare occasions that I went out and then be questioned by him about what I did who I spoke to, and questioned till I cried. One day he’d gone missing for the weekend and if had enough I went to my best friends and we had to call the police as he was following me demanding money while I walked with my child. It was my eldest secondary school visit. He banged on my friends door and Wouldn’t leave without money. He kicked things around c whilst I was I. There with two of his children and my friends, that night he told me he was killing him self. I called an ambulance and he admitted he wasn’t really doing it was just to get a reaction. That night I spent the whole night awake wondering if he killed him self and I’d done nothing. I kicked him out after that to make a stand. Two weeks until I Buckles he was on best behaviour I even went on a weekend away with my bestie. Things slowly slipped back. My next trip he could t understand why he couldn’t come. I was shouted at and questioned all the way up to I left. Then he called me On my crying his grandad was on his last legs. It was a lie. When I got home the questioning continued and jealousy. He told me shortly after while I was awag someone tried it on with him One day we were having a drink and a festivalwas going on. He wanted to go and I encouraged him and planned lifts. He said 2 hours. I heard nothing till 11 in the morning. I’d had enough when I’d had such guilt about me needing to ring him and definitely never stay out. I kicked him out again. 2 months later he’s still kicked out. He’s got an appointment for therapy but just yesterday he took money and lied to me. I’m now 31; he’s 37 we’ve been together 14 years and married 8. Why do I still want him? I can’t let go or end it even though I know it’s the right thing to do. In the good times we are soul mates best friends understand and know each other so well. I don’t want to love him but I do. Is it the right thing to actually break up? Yes but I’m going to regrwt it if I do I know I am. I’m so lonely I Just want him to be a better person I have so much to offer so much love loyalty all I ask is no lies and mutual re I was the one to change him, I didn’t know what I was dealing with properly though. We fell… or I did hard. We battled many battles. Me trying to help him with a drug addiction. While working full time nannying with a 4 week old until 7pm, just to hand the money to him (I was so lost and had no friends and post natal depression) I could t handle the mounting debt so I handed my wages over. I struggled for years. I didn’t even have enough money to but toilet roll at times. It was all him. He’d go out all weekend and I’d wait for him. Sometimes he’d turn his phone off and not come back for a couple of days…. we had to move in with his brother and sisters in law with a tiny baby for a while because the money was being spent elsewhere. I didn’t talk to anyone I didn’t want than thinking Anythjbf bad of him. So I kept everything to myself. He proposed on xmas day. In an alcoholic rage he’d told me he was going to propose (we had an argument and ge said “ and I was going to propose to you tomorrow morning. As usual I didn’t want to argue so I eventually got to sleep and he’s proposed the next morning, I of course said yes. We had to leave his brothers because of his up and down moods and lying. We moved. I found out around f this time he had pawned his wedding ring without me knowing. He had a payout from something. We both had. Thousand or so… mine went towards debt, his… he lied and said it hasn’t come. It had and he’d spent it on weekends out while we still had nothing. No friends,no money. IsolAted from family coping with jt on my own. He would go out every single weekend. I said nothing he convinced me that it was his right because of the job he was in. I didn’t go out very often. I did with my friend Emma At the start but looking back he’d always find a way of coming along. Even on girls nights. There was a time after birth my first night out and he somehow came and got to drunk he was throwing up and I had to stay sober for the baby. If I planned to go out he would make it so hard and make me feel so guilty. Before we got married he told me he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore. He ripped out weddinf invitations up. I was so confused??? We had an amazing wedding except that he’d been up all night and still drunk from night before. Then the honeymoon wow what a memory it was perfect. I fell pregnant on that honeymoon (it was planned silly I know now) he started to go out more with bad crowd, he never wanted to be intimate with me. He went out and got smashed all the way up to my due date. One night he came home so drunk. We had a row while I was prfnant and he made me sleep on the floor. Another time in the pregnancyhe swallowed lots of tablets (not because he was  suicidal but he knew he’d get a reaction. I called an ambulance in desperation thinking he was going to die. I called his dad over and his dad told me I shouldn’t argue with him when he’s drunk. He was putting the blame on me. His parents did that about everything. I tried confiding in his mum once about the money and his Being out all the time. She told me maybe I should make more of effort Around the house to make him happier. I tried confiding in her about the drugs he took at the time. She literally ignore it and never spoke of it again whilst I booked meeting and therapists for him. Turns out he didn’t go. My pregnancy’s have some of the worst memories. When we had my youngest something seemed to change. He was there more, he seemed to enjoy my company. We started going out together not just him. We moved to. New house. Things were amazing. Then things changed. We could t afford our house the landlord wanted us out. (His daughter my oldest friend had vouched for us we’ve never spoke since. Things got so bad we had one more option to make this work. Within two weeks I had left everything u had ever know . A close family to move half way across the country. London to Cornwall. Of course his mum blamed me. We started a new life but I was badly depressed. I was so lovely he still went out and did what he wanted and I was jealous of him. Again that ended badly with us getting into more debt. We finally moved where we are now and I got a job. I threw myself into new things out of my comfort zone and found myself. I found a best friend. Alan didn’t like this and I could never go out. One time he made a scene in front of everyone because my friend had mention me going out. He had g made any new friends but I had. I still couldn’t go out. He cried and told me to get him used to going out by calli f him and not being out past certain times but he slowly started to go missing For weekends but I had to still to the rules on rare occasions that I went out and then be questioned by him about what I did who I spoke to, and questioned till I cried. One day he’d gone missing for the weekend and if had enough I went to my best friends and we had to call the police as he was following me demanding money while I walked with my child. It was my eldest secondary school visit. He banged on my friends door and Wouldn’t leave without money. He kicked things around c whilst I was I. There with two of his children and my friends, that night he told me he was killing him self. I called an ambulance and he admitted he wasn’t really doing it was just to get a reaction. That night I spent the whole night awake wondering if he killed him self and I’d done nothing. I kicked him out after that to make a stand. Two weeks until I Buckles he was on best behaviour I even went on a weekend away with my bestie. Things slowly slipped back. My next trip he could t understand why he couldn’t come. I was shouted at and questioned all the way up to I left. Then he called me On my crying his grandad was on his last legs. It was a lie. When I got home the questioning continued and jealousy. He told me shortly after while I was awag someone tried it on with him One day we were having a drink and a festivalwas going on. He wanted to go and I encouraged him and planned lifts. He said 2 hours. I heard nothing till 11 in the morning. I’d had enough when I’d had such guilt about me needing to ring him and definitely never stay out. I kicked him out again. 2 months later he’s still kicked out. He’s got an appointment for therapy but just yesterday he took money and lied to me. I’m now 31; he’s 37 we’ve been together 14 years and married 8. Why do I still want him? I can’t let go or end it even though I know it’s the right thing to do. In the good times we are soul mates best friends understand and know each other so well. I don’t want to love him but I do. Is it the right thing to actually break up? Yes but I’m going to regrwt it if I do I know I am. I’m just so so lost.  I met my now husband when I was 17, I fell pregnant when I was 18, looking back I thought I was the one to change him, I didn’t know what I was dealing with properly though. We fell… or I did hard. We battled many battles. Me trying to help him with a drug addiction. While working full time nannying with a 4 week old until 7pm, just to hand the money to him (I was so lost and had no friends and post natal depression) I could t handle the mounting debt so I handed my wages over. I struggled for years. I didn’t even have enough money to but toilet roll at times. It was all him. He’d go out all weekend and I’d wait for him. Sometimes he’d turn his phone off and not come back for a couple of days…. we had to move in with his brother and sisters in law with a tiny baby for a while because the money was being spent elsewhere. I didn’t talk to anyone I didn’t want than thinking Anythjbf bad of him. So I kept everything to myself. He proposed on xmas day. In an alcoholic rage he’d told me he was going to propose (we had an argument and ge said “ and I was going to propose to you tomorrow morning. As usual I didn’t want to argue so I eventually got to sleep and he’s proposed the next morning, I of course said yes. We had to leave his brothers because of his up and down moods and lying. We moved. I found out around f this time he had pawned his wedding ring without me knowing. He had a payout from something. We both had. Thousand or so… mine went towards debt, his… he lied and said it hasn’t come. It had and he’d spent it on weekends out while we still had nothing. No friends,no money. IsolAted from family coping with jt on my own. He would go out every single weekend. I said nothing he convinced me that it was his right because of the job he was in. I didn’t go out very often. I did with my friend Emma At the start but looking back he’d always find a way of coming along. Even on girls nights. There was a time after birth my first night out and he somehow came and got to drunk he was throwing up and I had to stay sober for the baby. If I planned to go out he would make it so hard and make me feel so guilty. Before we got married he told me he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore. He ripped out weddinf invitations up. I was so confused??? We had an amazing wedding except that he’d been up all night and still drunk from night before. Then the honeymoon wow what a memory it was perfect. I fell pregnant on that honeymoon (it was planned silly I know now) he started to go out more with bad crowd, he never wanted to be intimate with me. He went out and got smashed all the way up to my due date. One night he came home so drunk. We had a row while I was prfnant and he made me sleep on the floor. Another time in the pregnancyhe swallowed lots of tablets (not because he was  suicidal but he knew he’d get a reaction. I called an ambulance in desperation thinking he was going to die. I called his dad over and his dad told me I shouldn’t argue with him when he’s drunk. He was putting the blame on me. His parents did that about everything. I tried confiding in his mum once about the money and his Being out all the time. She told me maybe I should make more of effort Around the house to make him happier. I tried confiding in her about the drugs he took at the time. She literally ignore it and never spoke of it again whilst I booked meeting and therapists for him. Turns out he didn’t go. My pregnancy’s have some of the worst memories. When we had my youngest something seemed to change. He was there more, he seemed to enjoy my company. We started going out together not just him. We moved to. New house. Things were amazing. Then things changed. We could t afford our house the landlord wanted us out. (His daughter my oldest friend had vouched for us we’ve never spoke since. Things got so bad we had one more option to make this work. Within two weeks I had left everything u had ever know . A close family to move half way across the country. London to Cornwall. Of course his mum blamed me. We started a new life but I was badly depressed. I was so lovely he still went out and did what he wanted and I was jealous of him. Again that ended badly with us getting into more debt. We finally moved where we are now and I got a job. I threw myself into new things out of my comfort zone and found myself. I found a best friend. Alan didn’t like this and I could never go out. One time he made a scene in front of everyone because my friend had mention me going out. He had g made any new friends but I had. I still couldn’t go out. He cried and told me to get him used to going out by calli f him and not being out past certain times but he slowly started to go missing For weekends but I had to still to the rules on rare occasions that I went out and then be questioned by him about what I did who I spoke to, and questioned till I cried. One day he’d gone missing for the weekend and if had enough I went to my best friends and we had to call the police as he was following me demanding money while I walked with my child. It was my eldest secondary school visit. He banged on my friends door and Wouldn’t leave without money. He kicked things around c whilst I was I. There with two of his children and my friends, that night he told me he was killing him self. I called an ambulance and he admitted he wasn’t really doing it was just to get a reaction. That night I spent the whole night awake wondering if he killed him self and I’d done nothing. I kicked him out after that to make a stand. Two weeks until I Buckles he was on best behaviour I even went on a weekend away with my bestie. Things slowly slipped back. My next trip he could t understand why he couldn’t come. I was shouted at and questioned all the way up to I left. Then he called me On my crying his grandad was on his last legs. It was a lie. When I got home the questioning continued and jealousy. He told me shortly after while I was awag someone tried it on with him One day we were having a drink and a festivalwas going on. He wanted to go and I encouraged him and planned lifts. He said 2 hours. I heard nothing till 11 in the morning. I’d had enough when I’d had such guilt about me needing to ring him and definitely never stay out. I kicked him out again. 2 months later he’s still kicked out. He’s got an appointment for therapy but just yesterday he took money and lied to me. I’m now 31; he’s 37 we’ve been together 14 years and married 8. Why do I still want him? I can’t let go or end it even though I know it’s the right thing to do. In the good times we are soul mates best friends understand and know each other so well. I don’t want to love him but I do. Is it the right thing to actually break up? Yes but I’m going to regrwt it if I do I know I am. I’m so lonely I Just want him to be a better person I have so much to offer so much love loyalty all I ask is no lies and mutual respect is it possible he’ll change? I found out the girl who had tried it on with him says they had sex? Is it worth waiting for him to see a therapist and hope that works? I Just want him to be a better person I have so much to offer so much love loyalty all I ask is no lies and mutual

    • This topic was modified 2 months ago by  GingerbreadJustine. Reason: Removed formatting codes
    #31500 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Hiya,

    The way that your husband is treating you is abuse, I’m sorry to say but any happiness you have with him will be fleeting, you don’t deserve this, you’re more than young enough to ditch the bloke and rebuild your life……meet someone who can make you happy when your ready.

    I’m really concerned about your kids, they havnt made the choice to witness there dad’s awful behaviour, it’s traumatic for them to have to live like this. Is them learning from your husband how to treat women something that you want? I suspect not so you need to break the cycle.

    Have a look at the woman’s aid website, they can help you to escape or ring  the National domestic violence helpline 0808 2000 247.

    It’s normal for victims to worry about wether they are doing the right thing, they hope the perpetrator will change. They worry that the ‘close’ bond they have on the occasions when the perpetrator is nice will be lost when they should be feeling that close bond all of the time.

    Mark

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