Struggling to deal with my ex and what to do
15 December 2017 at 11:06 am #6139
A quick history of me and my little boy and his dad: We had been together 12 years, my little boy is 7, my ex has 2 boys to a previous relationship who are teenagers. I moved over to Yorkshire to be with him 10 year ago, we had his boys every weekend without fail together and I supported him through everything. He had an affair 6 years ago and in hindsight I should have left him then, but I didn’t, then last Christmas, 2 weeks before Christmas he walked out saying he needed space (he had met someone without a doubt) same stories, same lies and same patterns. Anyway after a very hard and upsetting Christmas and an upset little boy we moved out in January to start our life again (just 10 min away from ex) needing some stability, peace and happiness again was my goal! I stayed local to keep all the stability me and my little boy needed, same school and friends etc.
This year has been difficult to say the least, at the beginning of the year the ex just came and went as he pleased, cancelling things, telling me he couldn’t have him every weekend as that meant he couldn’t have a life etc, at first all I could get out of him was every other weekend if he wasn’t busy. He went skiing with his girlfriend, cancelled a weekend at which point after a lot of stress and uncertainty I took him to mediation to get something down to stick to as he disagreed with everything until that point. He also didn’t come to a parents evening and a sports day, even though he was told about them.
We went to mediation and he put on the biggest show ever, saying all the right things and how he wanted to be involved with everything etc and regular contact, I bit my tongue but was happy that we had finally come to an agreement regardless. He would be involved in everything, first point of call as he requested if we needed help, contact every other weekend and every other mon/tues in between, so 2 nights a week, speaking to him on the phone every other night. I was determined that this would be the case as thats what we had his other 2 boys and my son was only little and used to seeing his dad, I left content and saw a light at the end of the tunnel.
Christmas again and after many cancelled weekends and days he was supposed to have his son, not one show up to any parents evenings, let me give you an idea of the things that have happened this year…
• Sneaking his girlfriend in at night when he had my son and came back and told me
• Rings him about once a week
• Asking to cancel a weekend contact because his girlfriend was at a funeral
• Forcing my child to meet his girlfriend saying he didn’t need my permission
• Going to Ibiza with his girlfriend over my sons birthday
• Not being able to get back on time as he was ill down south at his girlfriends so changed when he would have my son.
• Telling me he was going away for 18 days to Vietnam then I find out the weekend he cancelled having my son leading up to this holiday was just extra days to spend with his girlfriend before going away with her.
The last one was the final straw just a month ago, he has come back now and is demanding we stick to the schedule and how much he wants to see his son and how much my son will be missing him. When I told him I had found out he was lying about when he was going on holiday just so he didn’t have to have our son that weekend, he said what does it matter etc etc.
I warned him when he was on holiday to seek advice when he gets back as our son does not need to be messed about and all I have wanted all along is stability for him and me, for everyone to get along, be involved and consistent, as this had not been stuck to he would not be seeing him and only speaking every Monday on the phone until we could come to an arrangement and something for me that was set in stone. Whether that be us talking with someone present or mediation again or preferably to seek proper advice and set out a court order.
Since being back this week he has messaged me every day asking when he can see him, asking me what he needs to do, telling me I am using our son as a weapon, that I’m upsetting our son, that I’m making a mistake etc etc etc…. he doesn’t get it, wants to be involved now its Christmas, wants to go to his nativity after not going to anything all year. I feel really angry and upset, that I have done everything for our son to keep him happy and content, I run around doing all the clubs etc he does, I work from home so I’m always around, I live away from my family so have no help and he thinks he can come and go and pick up when he wants and when he’s bored….. I WANT CONSISTENCY, I WANT STABILITY…. OUR SON NEEDS STABILITY , I would never ever do anything to hurt our son, all year I have worked around everything and never stopped him seeing him or being involved. I have never seen my boy happier than he is right now. I want to stick to my guns, I will not be bullied when it suits him.
Opinions?15 December 2017 at 10:20 pm #6163
Your mother instinct is simply kicking in. To protect your son is your priority.
what you wrote in capitals is exactly that!
Stay strong and look after yourself , never doubt yourself and do what you do best and that’s looking after your son.
Keep the clarity and consistency with your words to your ex and say and remind him of the ‘chances’ he’s had and the numerous ‘let downs! That affect your son so your doing it for you and your son. Always putting your son first.
(This is pretty much the advice My counsellor says to me and she reminds to ‘take deep breathes’ when the ex tries to wind me up)
: )16 December 2017 at 7:18 am #6177
This is sad . I have no idea why people like to play mind games
Sounds like he needs help17 December 2017 at 11:58 am #6199
Thanks guys for your replies… sometimes feel like I’m going mad as he doesn’t apologise or see any wrong in anything he does…. makes me question everything 🙁 I have sent a letter this week explaining all of this and the things he has done and how it is unfair on our son, I have said he can see him over Christmas and then I want us to take it further and something to be set in stone… so we will see now, I just need stability too, I am not sexist at all but how do men like this feel they can just drop their responsibilities at the drop of a hat and people like me have to work around it? I feel like my life and my sons is not important, just no help as a parent whatsoever, how do they just become part time over night?7 March 2018 at 9:34 pm #8436
there are so many similarities in our stories it’s quite scary lol. Feels like a losing battle sometimes doesn’t it, being the bigger person and still being blamed when it doesn’t go their way. I’ve started to think of it more parenting of convenience, he gets the fun side one day a weekend, when it suits of course, and none of the crap. How he can drop my daughter off with tears in his eyes when he leaves, to then not even bother to contact her when he knows about medical appointments she has or something that’s important to her happening, is beyond me – I honestly question if it’s genuine or some ploy for sympathy, kinda tough if it’s the latter lol.
This could turn into a rant so I’d best stop 😂😂. Hope you’re doing great and things are settling8 March 2018 at 7:52 pm #8471
Same boat! Is this all the same man!!!????? Looool my ex used to be an amazing father but now likes the fact he can drop the kids at the click of a finger and forget about them until the next week!
i don’t get it! What makes it worse he’s around his girlfriends families kids and they’re the same age as our kids and how he cannot feel guilty I don’t know. I feel guilty when I’m out at the shops and see a kid and mine are at school! I bloody miss them!
I know I’d rather of done the 11 years we were together inside 😂😂8 March 2018 at 9:05 pm #8477
Same boat also, except my kids so called dad, bought my eight year old a phone for christmas now he uses it to snoop on me in my house, has a fit when the phone is switched off, or not answered, calls me a control freak for taking the phone off her, when its time for bed or as a sacrifice for bad behaviour. omg she is just too young to be spending her time glued to a phone. and also obviously lets both of them down, ‘oh’ i have no money’, ‘oh’ i have no car’, ‘oh’ i need to see my girlfriend were going on holiday’ yet if i as much as speak to anyone, he’s threatening SS.8 March 2018 at 9:43 pm #8481
Hi … thanks for your replies… its kind of good but not good to see a few of you in the same boat… more not good I suppose.
The latest is we are going to mediation again but the first meeting was a farce and he basically said everything was a load of rubbish I had to say, he has agreed to ring our son mon, weds and Saturdays…. oh yes yes he says, guess what he still only rings him once a week… I say please book your holidays around when you have him…. the week after he tells me he’s booked a skiing trip for a week with his girlfriend over the week where he would have him 4 nights almost in one week…. which was coming up in 2 weeks. He has tried to dictate to me about a weekend he doesn’t have our son and that he wants to take our son away with his girlfriend and family… I have said no as I think these things have to be built up over time with trust etc, he kicked off then and kept asking me over and over for weeks the same thing and being insulting when he didn’t get his own way.
I have decided this will not end, he is who he is, even if this person is different from the Man I knew at times, he is still this person now and I have to let it be. I can’t stop him booking a holiday, I can’t stop him putting other things first before his son, so my idea now is to just shrug it off and just control and be happy with the choices I make for me and my son, to not be bullied, if he choses to do something that effects our son, our son will learn as he grows older who was always there and supportive through his life. Letting go is hard but its the best thing, trying to not fight for what I think is moralistically right is pointless… I can only do that bit myself…. I am going to one more mediation to say my bit and what a farce it all is then I wash my hands of it all and the ball is in his court for the rest of his life with what sort of relationship he has with his son.8 March 2018 at 9:52 pm #8482
I think your comments are very valid, and your expressing your anger as am i, its good to talk, i think your frustration is part of being a brilliant mother, what goes around comes around, i so hope thats true.