Struggling to co-parent
19 July 2020 at 1:27 am #42332
Hi, i am new to this site and group… 🙂 I wanted to ask if anyone has struggled to ‘let go’ and allow their ex partner to try and ‘be involved’. Mu little one’s dad is suddently pushing to have my littleone on his own (wihout me there!) and has now mentioned being ‘more involved’. Just for background… he was never a hands on dad and just liked the idea of the ‘dad’ title. We started to drift and although we’d acknowledged that we needed to sort stuff out, he cheated on me and then tried to do it again whilst I was trying to fix our marriage and bring our family closer. He then denied it and lied to me and fed me all sorts of rubbish which i would have 100% believed if i hadnt had the evidence. So i felt betrayed, have lost faith and trust in him. I don’t trust that he wont try to turn my child against me by being the ‘cool parent’ who sees him once a week for fun with his family (i am on my own, he has a huge family) and then I’m the one who has to discipline. Also he now has mentioned ‘i want to be there to drop iff on the first day of school and dont want to miss out’ … but what about the 5001 things that need to happen before a child starts at school?!!! So i do all the leg work, organising, getting littleone prepared..etc and he rocks up to drop her off and takes over?!… (this was an issue even before we split… but nothing has changed in that respect!)
I feel bad as i feel i should let go… but i am really struggling. My child is everything to me. And i know he/his family want to hurt me and i do not trust them.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. X20 July 2020 at 9:54 am #42359
Hi love being mummy
How old is your little one?
The only thing I can suggest is going mediation, whereby you can see if you can come to a decision without having to go court.
I’ve got a 2 year old with my ex and completely understand where your coming from as I too are the parent he’s the friend that disrupts routine and puts his own needs before our sons. I’ve said to my son this morning that he will be meeting with his friends today at nursery and straight away he says ‘see dad” my ex displays narcassist and gas light traits, so constantly having to say things in a way that won’t disrupt the apple cart, Im worried how his impact will effect my son as I can see he has little interact with other kids. My ex is so manipulative hence I know as I married under the illusion he was this other person, it’s difficult to know what to do as he will turn the situation to be my fault, he has already turned friends against me which is fine more fool them, it’s just what do you do! Ive made a diary and kept information but even now don’t feel its enough to take him on.
I organised mediation initially which we both went too and he didn’t want to continue said it was a waste of time, recently during lockdown he told me he turned my sons room into a gym, (which now I can believe its always been a gym) he wanted our son to stay overnight, I said this wouldn’t happen if you’ve made his room into a gym as he sleeps in his own bed gonna disrupt him again although I wasn’t stopping him from seeing him, so the apple cart rocked and I got a letter from mediation lol which he organise which I was more than happy to do and again he abandoned it. So wasted everyone.
I know how difficult this is for you, wish I know the answers myself as be more than happy if I felt the relationship was of a parent and not as a friend for him to spent that time like you I’m sure but I still even wonder if he will be hanging about in my case as like I say puts his need first, so then will my son will be dealing with that impact too.
I think on a positive it is good to talk to people especially I have found on hear as people like you are going through simular experiences so can relate and offers a little bit of solice.
Hope your ok.
Feel free to PM anytime x20 July 2020 at 12:06 pm #42363
#solace20 July 2020 at 12:27 pm #42365
Also can I just add as I feel from what you say very simular to my ex and they are fuelled by the control aspect of things and they don’twant you to dampen there ego and they are never wrong in there eyes, he knows that your son means the world to you as does mine and thats why he’s doing it. I’ve have looked into the behaviour traits that my ex holds and the best advise for now is to not show any emotion as they know they still have a hold and control, if you can organise child arrangements to suit your child and limit as much contact with him as possible try keep everything short and sweet don’t take any bait if he starts playing the sympathy card or and the bitter one, ignore if so.
My ex does all the child arrangements at the moment (control) on the advise from the solictor having caused such a stink in wanting to have him here there and everything (again for his own needs to prove why he needs to live in the council property which I got for being pregnant with my son that he refused to leave, so potentially making his son homeless.) He now can’t cope and he has on a number of occasions brought him home (apparently as he’s had a tough week lol) so he has now cut right back in how often he sees him, so this could also be a possibilty in your circumstance as if he has nt been spending much time with your little one, by the sounds. But again this is because I’ve let him organise the arrangements as if I had told him this all hell would break lose.
I hope this helps, sorry just feel like I’m venting off :/ but it really is a frustrating situation and I don’t think people understand unless they ve been in it.