Struggling looking after kids

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  • #6439 Report

    Nickinoonoo
    Participant

    Hi, I need some advice as to whether there is any help out there to help with kids? Even though it tough I normally cope with my 2 children aged 6 and 2 but since separating from my abusive ex partner 9 months ago he has continued to cause me problems financially and mentally and doesn’t help much with our children. This has made me find it difficult to cope and he manipulates our eldest with causes him to act up alot with me. This last week I have been running around trying to get everything in place so I can formalize arrangements with ex to minimise my contact with him but doing all this, plus Christmas prep, alot of travelling around, looking after the kids and house I am struggling to cope. I barely ever get a break from my kids and to top it off I am now sick, drained and just need a break from my kids to recuperate. My family help when they can but not always when I really need them. I have been in tears today with my kids acting up and feeling wiped out and don’ feel like I can cope another day feeling rough. Has anyone been through the same and found anyone that can help. Thanks

    #6445 Report

    Kerrylou
    Participant

    Hi Nickinoonoo,

    I am new here but did not want to ‘read & run’.

    Firstly give yourself a huge bit of credit as being a single parent is difficult and personally I feel that we underestimate our own abilities and strength at times.

    Allow yourself to feel pants, acknowledge it then crack on forward.

    Maybe try a local support group? Clubs? Joining a gym and using a creche facility there if that is an option? Are there any local childrens centres? Have you spoken to your health visitor? She may be able to point you in the right direction?

    It may also be worth looking at what you can do at home? Small things like painting your nails. Having a candlelit bath. Treating yourself to a haircut. Doing some breathing exercises. Small things make a huge difference.

    Dont forget… this journey is hard but you rock.

    Take care xxx

    #6446 Report

    son70
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m new too, this is my first post and I have a similar situation to you.

    I’m an older mum with a 6 and a 2 year old too, I’d say my husband I am separated from is verbally, emotionally and financially abusive, to the point of making me ill.  As he continued with digs and derogatory comments and using our 6 year old and manipulating her I had reduced contact and made it with supervision by his mother and her partner.   He’s now used that to his advantage, he’d not really asked for the kids for the last 6 weeks, and I’ve just gone with the busy run up to Christmas.  I took the kids over Christmas afternoon, stayed a while, felt most uncomfortable, ended up so stressed and so upset I couldn’t stop crying, I’ve left the kids there (they haven’t been away overnight for at least a couple of months) and have since been at home pretty much crying, worn out and with an awful cold virus.  I’ve left the kids staying as I really haven’t got the energy to look after them, and my head is so messed up.  I can’t deal with his conflicting actions, he acts like a mostly decent person when his mother and partner are there he even got me a present, but away from that he intimidates, name calls, threatens to have the house repossessed or to move in (originally he was selling it, or remortgaging – but he’s realised he can’t do either).   I’ve never said he cant see kids, but that it has to be supervised, I’ve never said anything derogatory to our 6 year old about him, he’s just daddy, though he does the opposite about me.  He has everyone believing he’s the injured party and I’m nuts, but it is his lack of ability to feel empathy or respect and his own actions that  has got us were we are, and it’s taken me a long time and a lot of hurt to realise this.  I’m like a hamster on a wheel, and I really don’t know who I am anymore.

    I have no support and no family in the area.  I want the divorce sorted, and proper arrangements in place so there are set access times.  I tried mediation 3 months ago but he refused unless I was face to face with him, I could only cope with shuttle, so it didn’t happen.  The divorce and associated paperwork looks so complicated I don’t know where to start.

    It’s hard being a single parent, especially with an ex who isn’t supportive and wants to manipulate your children, and on top of that you’re unwell – you say it yourself that you normally cope – so well done!   Do only the basics when you’re not well, housework can wait, sit down and watch a film with the kids (don’t forget drinks/snacks before you sit down!),  you say your family help when they can so try asking them if they can have the kids for even just a couple of hours.  What about the 6 year old going to a friends house to play (why do I not do that!?).   When you’re feeling better get out and take the kids somewhere, a change is sometimes as good as a rest.  Well done for getting on with it!  Hopefully you’ve got a decent night of sleep tonight (unlike me!) and are feeling better in the morning x

     

    #6448 Report

    Nickinoonoo
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your responses. KerryLou than you for your suggestions. I recently moved to a new area so alot of time has been taken up sorting out the house and getting my eldest settled in school. The issues with my ex partner have taken up alot of my time seeking advice etc so i am trying to get everything formalised now so that in the new year I can concentrate more on me and moving forward. How are you coping as a single parent?

    Son70, everything you have said about your situation seems to mirror mine and I really want you to find the strength to move forward. It is hard when you have someone trying to drag you down but I find everyting they do causes a reaction  and for me that is having to seek alot of advice about how to finally put a stop to their actions so I can move forward. After splitting 9 months ago I finally had enough of him still controlling so much of my life and my emotions. Have you looked into seeking a child arrangement order so you can have set times in place for your ex to see the children and give you a break? Stand strong on the supervised contact if that is what you want. I have just taken out a non molestation order against my ex to try and stop the verbal and emotional abuse and will only have email contact to make arrangements ‘e the kids until we have a formal arrangement in place via the courts. Like you I don’ have much strenth at the moment or feel like I know who I am anymore but make the new year about you finally protecting yourself and your children. Citizens advice can also provide advice on lots of different matters so it might be worth speaking to them. Good luck and be strong. X

    #6462 Report

    son70
    Participant

    Thank you Nickinoonoo.

    I haven’t looked at a child arrangement order but will do, I have made a call today to a number my GP gave me a while ago as I’ve been worse since Christmas day and I really need to do something about it,  I’ve tried different places in the past but I’ve just gone round in circles getting nowhere, hopefully I’ve now got the support I need to get things in place as you are doing, a caseworker should be contacting me next week.  This in itself gives me some hope as I just cant do it by myself.

    I’ve got the kids back tonight and the whole cycle will start again as he will think it’s all ok as I’d left them with him and his mother, he will text, initially a simple one, if I reply he texts more and phones more, so now I just ignore them, I can’t deal with it.  I really do not want to see or communicate with him at all.  I so can’t grasp how he can be one person when others are around and when not be derogatory or make comments to put me down or make me feel inferior, or why he has to have such control over the mortgage/house.  I know what he’s like so he’ll have twisted everything and will have turned his family against me,  I question our whole relationship and things from the beginning, it all just messes my head up.

    Hopefully we can both get some issues resolved and start finding us again in the new year!  Good luck to you too xx

    #6475 Report

    Sherinam
    Participant

    When my husband sent me solicitors letters saying he was going to chuck me out if my my home my lovely mother had just died.  I don’t have many friends so went to my mum for every thing.

    I was also mum to a new baby . Anyway I don’t know how my ex lecturer helped me but she did and went through the correspondence and accompanied me to court.

    I will always be grateful to my beautiful best  friend who died from cancer last year and for getting me through everything.  She was just my lecturer and we’re not very close but she came to my aid when I struggled to sit my exams.

    She came to my home helped me pass my exams and went with me to court . You know help comes in all forms so just say a prayer to the universe before you go to  bed

    Also I joined a toddler group and took my little girl there and met people who introduced me to people and we have a lovely African lady who comes over now and again for a chat and see how we are doing. She’s in Australia on holiday but still rings to check on us.

     

    #6476 Report

    Nij
    Participant

    I think it is really important to take 15 minutes before the end of this year to sit down and really acknowledge the challenges that have been successfully overcome this year. We feel overwhelmed when all the difficulties we face look like an impossibly high mountain to climb. I think we rarely remind ourselves of the positive outcomes we have effected, the smiles on the faces of those we love generated by the ideas we brought to life, the feelings of security that we give the children by our often thankless strivings. When you remember that the person who did all these things was you, then I am sure you will see you can rise to similar challenges in the coming months, and remember also that you are not alone.

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