Struggling getting over ex husband leaving

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  • #33739 Report

    amylou83
    Participant

    Hi everyone

    taken me a lot to write this and I’ll apologise now but it’s going to be a long one.  Start off my husband leaft 6 months ago we have 3 children 10, 5 and 2 years old been together 17 years and married for 3 years.   It all started when I got pregnant with my 3rd baby (she wasn’t planned) and he has sort of said his feelings changed from then because I said I was keeping her and didn’t give him any options.  He said he fell out of love with me and our relationship had run it’s course.   He has now said he felt this way for a while even before we got married which I know is a lie because he was different with me.  Last year he stopped being intimate with me which turns out he was doing it to push me away because he didnt want to break up with me.  He had his own business which has gone under so I put all this down to the business and a new baby.  His father died 6 months ago and since then he seems to have changed since then.  He walked away from us and went to live with his sister saying it’s for the best.  The children don’t want to go stay with him and he seems to be having loads of family time with his sister and her child like he has moved on with her. (Which makes me jealous and I feel bad for feeling like this) he wants me to buy him out the house but I’m not working.  Feel so lonely and lost I was hoping sometime would bring him back but he seems happier where he is.  My best friend as well has made friends with his sister and they all went away with the weekend with the kids together and she didn’t tell me even went down with him in the car.  So I feel like I don’t even have her to talk to anymore.  She has gone really quite as I told her how I felt about it.  I really don’t know what to do feel so lost and struggling on my own with the kid.  Any advice appreciated

    #33742 Report

    Dadwhossingle
    Participant

    Hi, I can’t give advice really. But I want you to know you’re not alone in feeling lost and lonely. I’m having a similar experience with very similar feelings of loss and dispare.

    It takes a long time to get over things like this. The loss of a partner, the loss of the future you thought you had together. All I can say is that the time makes a difference and every day is a bit easier.

    #33744 Report

    amylou83
    Participant

    Thank you good to know there are other people I can speak to that understand how im feeling.  The amount of times I get told just get over him.  Wish it was that easy.

    #33746 Report

    Dadwhossingle
    Participant

    Yes, fish in the sea, pebbles on the beach, its always darkest before the dawn, etc, etc.

    People mean well but  they just don’t get the churning feeling you’re left with. And the loneliness! My god the loneliness is hard! That’s the bit I struggle with. Just this helps alleviate the sadness though so that’s good. Glad I found this site.

     

    #33747 Report

    Mummytomyminions
    Participant

    Hiya, I’m so sorry your going through this I know exactly how your feeling. I’ve had more or less the same experience of being told he fell out of love with me years ago but didn’t wnat to tell me because he felt it would hurt me so instead we started trying for a baby (I obviously had no idea he felt like this) and one day he just told me he didn’t think we should be together and that was it really. I’ve since found out he seemed to of told everyone but me how he felt before he ended it. We get on OK now as I seem to of realised I wouldn’t of been able to trust him not to do this again even if we were back together and he seems to be moving on with someone else now which in a weird way had made it easier as I clearly know where I stand now so I can start a fresh with my life but I totally get were your at because even now I have those days we’re I just sit on the kitchen floor and cry and wonder if I was such a bad wife AND mum that it seemed to be my doing that our family has broken apart but then I look to the future and I KNOW I will be hapoy again!

    People that haven’t been through this really do try but really don’t know what to say for the best, someday I can see people get agitated that I am still upset or talking about it which is why I joined here too just because at least you don’t feel so alone.

    X

    #33748 Report

    amylou83
    Participant

    Me too I’m so glad I found this site thank you for taking the time to reply.  It’s so nice I’m not alone going through this (even though I wish we didn’t have to)

    #33749 Report

    Dadwhossingle
    Participant

    Yep, mumtomyminions, I have been rattling on to anyone who would listen about my tales of woe. So having like minded people to talk with on here has been amazing (I only joined 2 days ago, but the head space this has created has been really good).

    Joining this has also helped alleviate some of the more extreme feelings of loneliness.

    Think we all have the guilt about being a bad parent/partner. If you were, you wouldn’t be beating yourself up like this, so it’s pretty safe to assume you’re good at both.

     

    #33750 Report

    amylou83
    Participant

    That’s what I struggle with I think I’ve been a really good wife and mum never pressured him.  He carried on with his life going out with his mates lads holidays away and I stayed at home with the kids.  And I haven’t fell out of love with him when he leaft me with the kids so how could he with me.   I used to get told your letting him have it easy.  I’m so glad I found this site I feel like everyone is getting sick of hearing me but struggling at the min especially when I see he is happier and moving on.  He hasn’t met anyone else that I know off but I have told him unless he gets really serious with someone I don’t want to know it would just drive me crazy.

    #33751 Report

    Dadwhossingle
    Participant

    Amylou83 that gets easier with time.  My ex wife has moved on and she’s happy- in some ways that’s nice to know,but to begin with it was really difficult to deal with.

    The coping with rejection is hard, that and all of the other feelings thrown into the mix, can make some days feel impossible.  Eventually you get to a point where you will want to move on, but you’re not there yet. The being a bad wife feeling is natural and a part of reflecting. You weren’t and you wont be a bad partner as and when you meet someone new – which you will.

    #33752 Report

    Mummytomyminions
    Participant

    Well all the things that he said pushed him away I changed to try and ‘win’ him back for about 5 and a half months and prove I would be better than anyone else out there for him etc, I wasn’t eating, sleeping, I was a wreck trying to just focus all my attention and energy on that … Then I suddenly realised – I’m not the one that upped and left, I was in fact a bloody good wife and just like you said gave the freedom, did all the night feeds, early mornings so he could sleep in every weekend, trips away he wanted with mates, dinner always on the table, washing always done, house always spotless the whole bloody lot so why the hell am I trying to ‘win’ him back? Surely if all that ain’t enough then why would I keep hurting myself trying and if there is someone better out there let them take over all those little things that go under appreciated because at the end of the day there’s someone out there that wont think the grass is greener and until then I’ve got the minions to concerntrate on – I’m just sorry I wasted so much time trying to change myself to be someone else’s idea of perfect that clearly doesn’t want me ha!

    Sorry I went off on a bit of a rant there BUT there was a point to it.. If he doesn’t appreciate what you bought to the table I know it probably gives you a gut wrenching feeling that I first had when I found out he wanted to start dating someone new but just remember your perfect the way you are and if he doesn’t appreciate that, do you really want that negativity in your life? or do you just think hell soon meet his match one day and then when he realises what you did do it’ll be too late ? This is my new outlook.. Its just all about the timing x

    #33753 Report

    Dadwhossingle
    Participant

    Yes I do think there is a bit of the grass is greener.

    My experience wasn’t really like that. A combination of bereavement, illness and lack of support meant that we drifted apart. No recriminations and no winning anyone back. Just a lot of sadness and regret that we didn’t try harder at the time.

    Both of your experiences sound pretty poor and to be honest (and I hope you don’t mind me saying), you both sound better off without them. They didn’t appear to get that a marriage is a team, not an arrangement to be renegotiated as and when.

    That doesn’t help with the loneliness mind. Sometimes, I think I’d have preferred to be back where I was, even if it was loveless. At least I wouldn’t feel so isolated.

     

    #33754 Report

    Dadwhossingle
    Participant

    Wow, just read what I’ve posted. Last part sounds desperately sad. I’m down and yes very sad, but that was melodramatic. Apologies

    #33756 Report

    Mummytomyminions
    Participant

    That want melodramatic at all, I’m just sorry you feel so sad and I really hope you can see this heartache and sadness won’t be forever… Its just a massive horrible blip but talking in here does amazing things to help people express themselves and also help find people going through the same stuff so you don’t feel alone at a time when it’s hard not to feel the loneliest person in the world. Xx

    #33757 Report

    Dadwhossingle
    Participant

    Thank you. I do feel a kind of sadness that I’ve not felt since I was 15 (many, many, years ago!) – like getting over your first love.

    You’re right, talking on here does do amazing things. The people contact is just essential.

    Thank you again for the responses.

    #33758 Report

    amylou83
    Participant

    Thank you so much to both of you for taking the time to reply.  You don’t know how much it has meant to me.  Mummytomyminions your absolutely right I think due to lack in my own self confidence I put him on a pedestal and had my Blinkers on.  Deep down I knew he wasn’t treating me right but I was just so scared I’d never meet anyone ever again who would love me and I would never love anyone like I loved him.   Just scares me I’ll be alone for ever I always said if we split I’d never get with anyone else because of the kids it’s scary bringing a stranger into your life with them.  But I’m suppose time is a great healer as they say.   And I can say I don’t get lonely because the kids never leave my side and I can’t get them sleeping in their own beds (told them after Christmas they are back in their beds). Just miss having a loving connection with someone

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 20 total)

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