Struggling… any kind words?

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  • #7607 Report


    Hi. I’ve never posted on here before but I thought I’d give it a try. (Please be kind.)

    Nearly 2 years ago my ex husband, who I had share my life with for 15 years, left me & my 2 young children aged 5 & 2. He announced he didn’t love me anymore & just left us. He packed his bag & he never came back. No explanation, no arguments, no talks, nothing, just gone. It was fully out of the blue & I never saw it coming apart from he had been a little quiet in the days running up to that bombshell. Now I’m a single parent struggling to keep myself together.

    I can only guess my ex met someone else as he went 4 months with no contact to me or the children. I had no idea who or where he was in that time. To be honest he has totally broke me & I am not sure how I have got through everyday these last 2 years. My two little ones are devastated at their father leaving & our old home now gone. He left me with nothing. I even had to give up my job to care for the children full time as I was we were living 150 miles away from our family & friends when he left, so I had no support on hand to help me. It was the worse & lowest time of my life, ever.

    It’s been nearly 2 years since all that happened, in that time I’ve moved back to my home town to be closer to my family & old friends. I feel like I’ve been thru every emotion possible since the day he left.

    I now have a new job, a new home that I rent & my ex has the children every other weekend regularly so they get to see him too which I know is all posiive  things for me but I still feel like I’m drowning & struggling emotionally. I feel that I’m never going to get over the betrayal & what he did to me. I do not want my ex back but I do want to be the person I was before. The happy care free positive person who enjoyed the small things in her life, the girl I use to be. It feels like she is now gone forever.

    I feel so alone all of the time, I can be in a room full of people who love & care for me but I just feel so isolated in my own head. I have been to the doctors & the tablets I got given have helped a little. People keep telling me I’m still young? & I’ll meet someone else in the future, but how? When? I’m 37, I’m not young anymore, I work 4 days a week & when I’m not working, I’m taking care of my children. I have very little social life as most of my friends are married, settled down & have their own families. My social life consists of kids play dates or a nice lunch or dinner with close friends, I don’t get to meet new men… and what man will want to take on 2 young children at my age anyway?

    When people say all this to me I want to laugh. I often get told too focus on me & the children or try a new hobbie etc but I have very little free time, money is tight now that I’m a single parent. I’ve been putting the children first ever since he left and I do put on a brave face for them every single day as they & their happiness is the most important thing but I won’t lie I’m starting to give up on myself ever feeling happy or being normal again.

    Please, someone, tell me that life won’t always be this emotional struggle & that I will eventually feel different.

    Any advice? Or encouraging words? I will be grateful.

    #7612 Report


    Hi your break up and you sound so similar to me. My ex husband left in the same way we were on a weeks holiday from work but at home with the kids we had a nice week been on days out with both families and then bang on the Saturday he said I don’t love you anymore can’t do this he had feelings for someone else (more than feelings though) all lies and they got straight together and I divorced him on adultery and was his 2nd affair during our marriage.

    My relationship was 15 years I have 2 boys 8 and 12 and I’m 36. For me was a year ago this coming Sunday and tbh I know exactly what you mean by your feelings I’m not looking for another relationship yet but if it happened what will be will be. I’m the same as you putting my kids first and taking life as it comes but I would say it has made me stronger and I’ve had some good times on my own with the kids life is hard as a single parent I agree but I would say to you take it as a second chance build new memories for you and your children and live for the day.

    My struggles are excepting his new girlfriend around the boys and how she has been false upon them there not given the opportunity of an opinion she always has to be there all the time and even when it’s upsetting the boys if I tell my ex that he twist it and says no that’s what you think not the boys.

    #7613 Report

    Why do we feel like we need to have a partner in order to feel validated?

    You’ve done an amazing job these last two years.  Yes, I’m sure there were low times but look where you are, and YOU did that.  Nobody else, you!  Give yourself some credit!  You now sound in a settled place which is good, you can start focusing on you again.

    The kids are settled, home’s settled, work’s settled, that’s brilliant.  Have you thought about doing some study?  I did a degree with the Open University.  It was hard work but to say “I DID THAT” afterwards was the most tremendous feeling – and graduation – well, it was up there in my top 5 life moments!

    I made new friends along the way which was great.

    Before that, I studied my family tree.  This gets your brain right in gear too and you can discover family you never knew you had.  I did this when I was struggling with depression as it gave me a sense of who I was, who my family was and a sense of belonging.

    You are amazing, don’t ever forget it.

    #7614 Report


    To Pickles.  37 is not old.

    My ex had 4 year old daughter when I first met her.  As I worked away from UK a lot I thought that she had a daughter it was an advantage as she would have company.  Sadly marriage went downhill after daughter left home to go to University as wife became lonely.

    #7627 Report


    Hi Pickles,

    I have just registered with Gingerbread. I’m a new single mum, 48 years old with a 9 year old son and 5 year old daughter. I came on here because for the last couple of weeks I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility and the logistics of managing on my own. Your post is the first I have read. The title got me and I wondered if any responses would could apply to me.

    It doesn’t matter how you got through the last two years, what is important is that you have. You did and feel proud of that especially with the ages of your children. You were so young when you met your husband, what 20 years old? Of course you are going to feel like you are. Don’t be hard on yourself. You had so little time working out who you were as an individual before you become part of a couple.

    We can never go back and we can never undo the pain of betrayal. We have to grow through it. You will never be carefree because you are a mum but you can be happy again. You can enjoy life again. Drop all thoughts of a new relationship as you are not over the last one yet. You will be one day. But right now you need to focus on you. You have had your heart broken but you are not broken!

    Aside from marriage and family what you do want for your life? If you could have that magic genie what would you ask for that was not relationship based? What gets you excited? If you are feeling too low to think of anything what did you used to dream of being when you were young? What goals did you have and what did you want to achieve?

    You have every other weekend to be blissfully selfish. Do not use that time to clean the house or mope of put yourself in situations where you feel more alone. This is your time. Use it for things that you want to do. Do you like music? Do you like dancing? Do you like running? Do you like reading? Imagine that if you were still married and your husband was taking the kids for the weekend and you had that time to do whatever you wanted, what would it be?

    Money is stupid tight when you are on your own, so don’t focus on how much things cost, focus on what you would like to do, then find a way of doing it?

    There is something in you that will make you feel alive but the emotional weight of what has happened is blocking it. Think purely of what you like. Start writing lists of everything that you think you might like.

    You have made it through two years. You have made major decisions on your own and you have moved. These are all massive positives so start with some self congratulation. You are stronger than you think you are.





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