29 October 2018 at 6:47 am #17279
I caught my husband with another woman (girl), 4 months ago. I’ve been in complete shock since and have found it hard to get my head to a place where I can stop the intrusive thoughts. They’re still happening but I do feel I’ve finally turned a corner. He’s still with the girl and they live in my small town so I see them together which is like a dagger through the heart every time. We have 3 children, 2 of them don’t want to see him but 1 of them does. He’s seen his dad a few times over the 4 months but when I offered more access, he ignored it. I am struggling still, but I’m finding my own routines and have held things together in the home and with the kids. I found taking over the finances daunting but also empowering. I’m really conscious that this will take time and I’m trying to be a fish (going with the flow). It sounds like you’re going through something similar so I’m happy to chat.29 October 2018 at 9:05 am #17285
As you can see from this thread you definitely aren’t alone in this, I’m also going through something similar as my wife left after almost 10 years of marriage about 6 months ago for a much younger man she had been chatting with via online games they played together. In our case it was less than 48 hours after she left the family home that I found out they were living together after having first hooked up at a hotel a few weeks earlier (though she still denies there was anyone else involved in her decision to leave and he is just a ‘friend’ who was there for her). I am 100% sure she was having an affair with him and is still in that relationship but despite that knowledge I still love her and think about her multiple times every day, 6 months on I hoped I would have got over it by now but haven’t.
Like others have suggested I cope day to day by keeping busy (full time job and adapting to life as a single parent provide plenty of distractions) but one of the pieces of advice I was given beyond the standard ‘it will get better over time’ is that whist fully getting over a long term relationship often takes at least half the length that you were in that relationship the time between thoughts of that person will increase over that period to the point where one day you will realise you didn’t think about them at all the day before, this will then become a couple of days, a week, a month and eventually even though you may always love and miss that person they just won’t be part of your daily thoughts and activities any more.30 October 2018 at 10:33 am #17341
Hi Bexnmoo, Thank you for your reply. It’s such an awful feeling when you have completely trusted someone and they cheat on you. His behaviour towards me is just awful. He is bitter and nasty with me. I want for the kids sake them to be able to see him but its much harder to move on when they are still tied to your life. I am pleased that you feel that you are turning a corner. I am not quite there. I am determined not to let him ruin my life by being bitter and feeling worthless but it’s not an easy process. Yes getting a grip on finances is so daunting and I am seeing a solicitor because he is not prepared to be fair about divorce proceedings. I am so scared about the costs involved.30 October 2018 at 10:43 am #17342
SCS,Thank you for your reply. Yes I too was married for 10 years and he has made me feel like they were all a mistake. How long have you been separated now? I think your right it is just time. I get so frustrated that I just want to be over it now. My ex seems to think I should just move on and has been really cold about the whole thing. Blamed me for having an affair. I am just so daunted about taking control of my finances and paying for solicitors fees. I feel like I have had to go down that route because he is not prepared to be fair. It sounds like you are more at peace with things? I so wish I could be. I really do try but it’s so, so hard.30 October 2018 at 12:39 pm #17349
My wife told me she was leaving on April fools day this year so just over 6 months ago now. I also got blamed for the split with her telling anyone that would listen that I was abusive as one of her colleagues said it would mean a quick and easy divorce. When she went to see a lawyer they told her their wasn’t any evidence for this accusation but she believed her own story so much by that stage that she even called the police on me, in one of her more lucid moments she has since admitted that there wasn’t ever any abuse but then said she wished I had been hitting her. Like your ex she has been extremely cold about the whole thing, I’ve even had the same accusation about her affair apparently being my fault.
I wasn’t ready to move on and accept getting divorced when we talked about it as I still wanted the chance to try counselling and working on things together to fix what she thought was broken with the relationship but I got similar responses to those from your ex with a convenient rewrite of the previous 10 years claiming she was always unhappy and had been wanting to leave for the whole 10 years, when that didn’t work she even resorted to telling me that I was robbing myself of the chance of future happiness with a potential wife and child(ren) by not just letting her go, I already had that with her and my son and wanted to fight to keep it but it was made clear to me that this wasn’t an option.
I wouldn’t say I am at peace with things yet and still regularly struggle to understand how life has fallen apart so much this year but I know that I did everything I could to save the marriage and over time have realised that there isn’t much benefit using my time and energy worrying about the things I can’t do anything about, each person has the right to choose and a relationship requires both parties to want it to work.
We haven’t gone through the solicitors stage yet so that is still to come for me as well, I think it is probably best to see dividing finances as a list of practical tasks that need to be ticked off and take the emotion out of it, in our case the division was far from fair with me losing out significantly but I’ve never been one to care about possessions as things can be replaced and what money I had was always spent on my wife and son rather than myself anyway or saved towards our future. I’m sure Citizens Advice or the Gingerbread helpline would be able to help, from my experience I would recommend trying to make it as fair and straightforward as possible, be the bigger person if your ex isn’t willing to do the same (it will be better for your mental health and sense of self worth in the long run) and for things like child maintenance payments use the online calculators available so it isn’t you being the one asking for a certain amount.30 October 2018 at 8:23 pm #17362
SCS sounds like you have been to hell and back yourself. Do you get to see much of your son?31 October 2018 at 7:34 am #17378
Thankfully yes I do, when my wife moved out she originally planned to take our son with her but after going to the citizens advice bureau to find out about all the benefits available and checking the child maintenance calculator online she realised she wasn’t going to get nearly as much money as she thought she would from either the government or me. One afternoon later that week I got back from work to be told she had signed a rental agreement for a flat that doesn’t allow children so our son would be staying with me ‘for 6 months whilst she got everything sorted out’. She moved in there the following week and her boyfriend moved up from London to live with her that weekend so my son now lives with me full time, she sees him maybe a couple of times a month for a few hours but no overnight stays so I get to spend a lot of time with him.31 October 2018 at 8:04 am #17379
Gosh that’s so sad for your son. I am pleased you get to be with him. I am lost when my children go to their dads. I didn’t sign up for only being with them half the time and I don’t function well without them.They lift you and they make you get on with life. I know they need their dad so I had to let him have that access to them. I expect if you have him full time it helps keep your mind off things. The divorce is a mine field and I feel in way over my head but there doesn’t seem much option then to go down the route if solicitors. It’s the scariest thing I have done in my life. 😟31 October 2018 at 8:27 am #17380
I really hoped that me and my ex could sort things out amicably between us but unfortunately he is treating the divorce like a competition – at times it feels like the hunger games! So I’ve been forced down the court route as he won’t even provide basic financial information. BUT it does mean there is some structure and formality to the process that he has to stick to and the way I’m trying to approach it is that it’s going to be a horrible journey and I might not like the outcome but at least there will be an end and a chance to get some closure. I am struggling terribly with anxiety over it all and it is a brutal process – particularly when my ex seems to be loving every minute of it. We will all get to a point eventually where we can look at things with some perspective rather than just with anger, hurt and sadness – but at times I know that seems a long way off. Here if you want to chat x